Well I was at my follow up apt for the surgeon yesterday. He said that it seems like it was just a hemmatomin...(collection on old blood, like a clot) and that all the trauma ( the popping and wicked pain) I suffered last Weds (9th of may 2007) should be the last of it. The surgeon actually said " Well it looks like you will not need to see me again" having my health is a huge weight off of my shoulders...in every aspect of my life.
I have been wanting to start working out and gain my strength back but terrified to do so due to all the trouble in my abs (which is my worst area in fitness, of course) I was afraid if I did ANYTHING that I would make it worse and land up back in the hospital.......then get bawled out by everybody and their dog for "over doing it".
It is enough to make you scream. I get in trouble and feel lazy for not doing enough, and when I do attempt stuff I get bawled out for that too...damned if I do, and damned if I don't. But now that I have the OKAY from the doctor I should be safe from bawling...I just have to wait for the aggitation from the "popping" to fade off then I'll be good to go.
Then the other day I was given the "just do it" from Cameron with regards to times for going to the gym.....
So now I just have to find out what hours the leisure center has and start trying to get there at LEAST once a week for the first while. I would like to work my way up to 5 days a week eventually...but I'd be happy with three..I do not want to get ahead of myself. I'm aiming for once or twice a week to start...once I can do that continuously then I'll move to the higher ones.
Ideally I'd like to be up to 5 days a week by the time Nigel starts kindergarten. I figure I can do my work out when he is in school...therefore not having to worry about childcare.
I have been having trouble going to the Cheam center due to all the other mom's in Nigel's preschool all go there. They are all REALLY in shape ..which intimidates me more than I'd like it to.
I feel like if I went and was working out in front of them. The second I wasn't around they would talk about how stupid and fat I look on the machines and that I should give up because I'm just hopeless.
I know....I know...... how narcissistic of me to think they would have nothing better to talk about other than ME...
That is how that evil bugger in my head operates.....he takes what is my worst fear and plays on it......and my worst fear is "looking stupid", and "pathetic". Not to be confused with fear of looking foolish ..I can deal with that. I do goofy things all the time, and usually land up injured in the process. I can also deal with being embarrassed, because I have pulled a bonehead move or two in my time..and it has built a tolerance for embarrassment. (as earlier blog entries in my OLD blog indicate) it is a different look that I'm afraid of.
You know the look......the kind of look the lady who is 45+ years old, dressed in her "sexy" clothes that are 2-3 sizes too small, but she mushes herself into them anyhow. which makes her look like a stringed roast. While being way too drunk and dirty dancing on the dance floor ALONE.....when there isn't anybody on the dance floor at all......THAT kind of pathetic look.
I NEVER want to be so delusional that I'm THAT woman.....thinking you are being totally hot and sexy , meanwhile everybody is shaking their heads and laughing at you.
That is what much of my social anxieties stem from....especially as I age. I'm afraid to go dancing with my own husband because I do not want to look like "that woman".
I'm afraid to dance at all..... I used to be a very good at dancing (at least that is what many different people would tell me), and I dearly LOVE to dance.
It also makes me afraid to employ the more fun flirty sexual aspects of my personality. Which I fear, is making me a dud.
So if I get a better body and I'm more happy with my physical form then I would feel more comfortable....maybe get those parts of my personality back.
As I am now I do not feel comfortable in my own skin. For me to move around it feels like I am wearing two or three snowsuits at all times, which would make anybody feel awkward.
The last time I felt remotely comfortable in my skin was when Cameron and I had just met and started dating.
I weighted 150lbs back then, since then it has been a mostly a climb in weight, with the odd dips here and there. I have not been able to get back to my "happy" weight and I do not know why.......
I have lost huge amounts I lost 60 lbs at one point but after the last set of surgeries I gained a bunch back because I wasn't ALLOWED to do anything, but I still had to eat and get my iron levels out of blood transfusion range... food+lack of movement= FAT............. JOY.............and since it was my abdomen EVERY pissing movement pulled down there in some way.
I am determined to get healthy, I want to feel the physical strength and confidence I once had.It makes me furious and frustrated that I do not have that. I know I am strong I still have a great deal of strength, but I do not look like I do......and THAT bothers me.
It is like being incredibly smart ....brilliant....but having ZERO way to communicate it in ANY way so everybody treats you like a moron....talking slowly to you and using very simple words......When if you could communicate to them you could talk to them in 7 different languages....... That is the level of frustration I'm feeling.
I have resolved to do this. Now I'm healthy once the twinges and tinglyness on the "popping" goes away, I have no more excuses there ARE no more excuses. I have to take it and show everybody that I'm not just talk, that I mean what I say.
I will be better looking at 40 than I was at 30 and damn proud of it too.
I am resolute to take my life back! As well as prove the doubters WRONG. I know there are doubters too....but I'll use them to get the motivation during the more trying times, I'll let their negativity be my strength. I'm dropping the gloves and letting "fat Lorna" have it.
Dear, I know for a fact, you will NEVER be that woman.
ReplyDeleteEver.
You just... aren't her. She was probably a hot skank when she was younger and just never gave it up. As hot as you are, I don't believe you were ever a skank. You CERTAINLY aren't now. So why worry about it? What do you have to loose?
I know saying things won't help... We all have our fears, and we all need to overcome them on our own.
As for the weight... Even if you aren't lifting weights and things, it probably wouldn't be too much for you to start some cardio. The Eliptical machine is very low impact. You could just go for walks, jogs or bike rides in the real outdoors to get started. Just whatever you do, find something you enjoy! Hiking, sports, whatever. If you hate it, you never stick to it. And it has to keep changing, to. Never let yourself get bored of your workout. The Leisure centre has a bunch of fitness classes that may be hard to keep up with at first, but it's great because it forces you to keep going. Another thing they have is DANCING! It's affordable, and in a six week class you learn how to salsa, cha cha, hip hop, whatever. It's called "Dance Fusion"... Sounds like it would be good for you because you would probably love it!
I know when I see overweight people at the gym, I only think of how proud I am of them. That they have overcome their fears and are working towards a healthier, longer life. No one is laughing at them. It's obvious that they are working to improve themselves - what's funny about that? And even if they did laugh... You don't know them. You never have to talk to them. And quite frankly, if they are laughing at you because you are trying to make a better life for yourself, they are not worth knowing. They are assholes.
You are more than welcome to come to yoga with me sometime. Once my ankle is healed, I will continue on my regular schedule. I usually go three times a week - Monday and wednesday night and Saturday morning. The saturday class is really low impact and always makes me feel confident in my own abilities, whereas the monday and wednesday ones are a little more trying, but you feel satisfied enough in the end. Everyone is really supportive there, the classes are usually small and the environment is very relaxed. I would reccommend a saturday, because most of the crowd is a bit older, and you therefore wouldn't feel as though there are all these youg, fit, beautiful people staring at you. They are all just people trying to better themselves. Want to come?
~Astrid
I added some more to this post before I noticed you have replied to it, you may want to read it again.It started as me editing a "tense" mistake and I got on a rant.. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, You are awesome. I WOULD do yoga , but the last time I did I almost suffocated in my boobs. I'll have to tell you that story later. It is a pretty funny one, but it has to be told in person.
I actually LIKE working out. I like feeling the weights and doing the exercises.
I usually use the eliptical trainer because the bikes hurt my butt too much right now...and the rest of me jiggles WAY too much on a tredmill.
I know that most people aren't making fun of people at the gym, but how my brain is "broken" if I see anybody even slightly look at me funny then that evil bugger goes to work in my head and eats away at my confidence until I want to hide or die...
It is something I have to overcome.
But yes thank you, I'm actually SHOCKED that you said "as hot as you are" because I sure do not feel it....that is for sure. but thank you :)
I tried to respond earlier, but it wouldn't let me :(
ReplyDeleteI am awestruck by your openness about your struggle both with your weight and with your feelings about it. You have no idea what an inspiration you are to those around you. You inspire me all the time.
You LIKE exercising - I wish - i always feel like an overstuffed blowfish on dry land when I try to do anykind of actual exercise - not that that keeps me from doing it - It's kind nice to have the whip of doom (James standing over me asking if I did my push ups today) in the background! I thin it rocks that you are finally going to be able to just go for it! I kow you will look awesome! Hell, I think you look great now.
ReplyDeleteMe and Silver and Virtue too
I can't believe how many times I have said that I am proud of you and how much I still mean it more and more each time! You are so freaking amazing! I only wish that I lived in the wack with all of you so that I could do the "go to the gym with your friends" thing.
ReplyDeleteI love ya honey, and you are doing so well.
xoxo, Dannie