The inevitable....

Well something I had prayed wouldn't happen to Cameron for a long long long long time seems to be inevitable.
His dad, Jim is in the hospital (out in Kamloops because he was at the cabin when he got ill) it looks like he will not be coming out.

I want to be with Cameron. I want to be able to be sad. I thought I'd have the weekend alone to cry and get it out of my system, so I could be strong for Cameron and the kids, but I got a phone call this morning. It was my brother in-law and he was obviously upset and sounding very frazzled he had been on his way to take his two kids (13 and 16) to say their "good byes" but his youngest didn't want to go, couldn't bare the thought of seeing Papa so sick...so he was on the phone asking me if she could stay with me while I watch the dogs ( 4 dogs a German Shepherd/lab cross, a German Shepherd/blue healer cross, a German Shepherd mix something, and a beagle.) at Jim and Laureen's house

What could I say?? I had to say yes, even thought my heart wanted to be going with them to be with Cameron and to say good bye to Jim.... I know I could have gotten my mom to watch my kids for a few days. but they needed me here...with the youngest family members and the animals.

My nieces parents talked to her on the phone today to tell her "how it was looking" and for at least a half hour she was crying... not a weeping cry...but those hard ones that hurt your insides...It broke my heart all I wanted to do is cry...but *I'M* her support here, I'm her adult..I have to hold it together...I'm not the strong one in the family...but I managed to hold it together a tear or two fell but I didn't make a sound to cry.

I am sitting here in Jim's and Laureen's house almost every memory I have of Jim is HERE. I had to go in his room to look for the steam cleaner (I couldn't find it and one of the dogs peed on the floor UGH) and I opened his bedroom door and I was hit in the face with a brick of Jim's scent, now the smell as been lingering with me... following me around the house all day, and I can't be gone from the house because couple of the dogs will fight each other if not monitored (2 live here with Jim and Laureen and the other two live with Carolynn and Steve.) so I can't even run away from it, even for a while.

Cameron keeps asking me "How am I doing" but I can't tell him how I'm doing because no matter how bad I'm doing I know he is doing ten times worse (at least).
I never got to say "good bye to my dad, grandma, or Trevor.....but I also didn't have to see them die either...or see them afraid...So however "bad" I'm doing I will do my damnest not to let it show, especially since I'll probably have to be the one who explains it to our children (5 and 7 yrs). They know what death is, because of my dad and my brother ....they know it is forever.

I just feel horrible that they didn't get to know Jim better they only got one summer holiday to the cabin with them, Nigel only got 4 Xmases with him and Sadie only got 6 ... It is breaking my heart and to think about how lonely Laureen will be.. and how hard it is for me being here in their house how much more hard it will be for her....
I do not know if we even go a picture of Jim with our kids. other than the one where he is holding Sadie when she was first born.

I keep praying for a miracle. Some wondrous thing that will make this a happy ending, but every time I get updated on him, it isn't any better..
So I have to milk the most I can out of the smallest good things, like the woman who was sharing the hospital room with Jim offered her home to Cameron's family while they stayed in Kamloops, and that his brother made it up and patched things up with Jim and Jim responded to him (he hasn't been responding much because of being so ill)just so I do not completely break down.

All I want to do is call Cameron and hear his voice, but he needs his rest and I need to rest too. I have to talk to Emery tomorrow (our minister about possible funeral type stuff) I don't think I'm able to. But I have to.

I should sleep. I have no idea when I'm going home I need to get my keys out there so my cats can be fed. I figured I'd be home tomorrow, but now I'm unsure.

Last night I MAYBE got an hour sleep because of weird sensations I was having. The first one was what felt like a warm/hot breath on my neck (nobody in the room BTW) then another was something jarring the bed, then a ice cold chill, I almost felt like I was being tormented by ghosts all night long. I finally gave up on sleeping at 6 am (I had gone to bed a 2 am)

On top of that I had an interview today for a job.I swear I must have welts on my stomach from pinching myself so I wouldn't tear up or cry during the interview when I had to tell him about what was going on..in order to book my start date.

Lord give me strenght, and let me rest tonight. let everybody rest tonight.