An Epiphany...of sorts

Well it all started last Wednesday night.......

I was watching Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic ( description below)
The Brookhaven Rehabilitation Centre in New York is home to 75 of America's fattest people who are desperate to lose the weight that is killing them. The emergency services struggle to save 750 pound Dennis Davis as he's suffocated by his own weight. Caught on camera - the food addicts who cheat 400 pound Tammy Shannon breaks the rules to smuggle in fat-laden junk food and Ex-gang member, Vincent Tucker, is 700lbs of pure attitude. Two heart attacks by the age of 27 means he has to change his "bad boy" ways if he's to survive. Former Brookhaven success story George Cuadrado (611 lbs.) is back again after just eleven months.

WOW were these people fat. it was heart breaking. They were talking about how they were going to die if they didn't stop...yet they can't stop because humans need food to live...(it would be like asking a crack addict to only take .5 cc per day while having a never ending supply at hand and seeeing it everywhere................impossible......)

Well I had been watching this upstairs because Sadie was in the tub, ( I like being near her in the water to be sure things are going okay)..... WELL Nigel was watching the show with me on and off too... then he stood between me and the TV with a very distressed look on his little face...I asked him what was wrong. He looked and pointed at me, then looked and pointed at the TV. Looking even more sad and worried he said "I don't want you to do that", and he pointed back at the TV. at the show. ( I of course reassured him that mommy will not do that)

It really bothered me that he drew that line from them to me.....why would he draw that line....to him do I look like a 400 lb-750 lbs person?

I noticed the pictures of me at the church picnic hung at church a few days later. I could distinctly remember at those moments how "nice " I thought I looked....then to see the pictures......

OH GEEZE do pictures say 1000 words. I could see my arms and the rest of me. How "not nice" I actually was which made me question " I'm I obese?"

Well I went to Cameron and said the dreaded words NO PERSON ever wants to hear from people they care about. I said, "If I ask you something will you tell me the truth no matter how much you think it may hurt my feelings, because I need to know?"

He had the "oh shit" look on his face and said, "Yes"

I asked my dreaded question, "Am I obese?"

He paused then answered "Yes" but then reassured me that he love me no matter how I look....it is Lorna he loves, not Lorna's body....(although we does and has a favorite part or two ....TEE-HEE)

I love him for that...and so many other reasons ....... I can always trust him to be there for me when I needed him ................and I needed him to be there with the truth.
How many men would give you the honest answer like that even knowing it is something you need to hear, but do not want to know,...but have to know..

Well I thought about the obese thing for most of Sunday. When I got home and Cameron went to bed I then I looked online to see what the categories are for weight for over weight, obese, and morbidly obese

I have always known how many pounds overweight I am, and NOW I'm finally able to do something about it, with all of all my surgeries and procedures being done and over with, as well as being given the okay to go back to full activities. ( I was okayed before , but then my stomach was hurting and I had to get a hematomin drained .... that was the last procedure I had done). I always looked at myself as "chubby", "big", "chunky"," over weight" but never obese.

Now I know I am 110 lbs. over weight, that hasn't change ( it will but it hasn't yet ..really I was only give the okay a couple weeks ago....so it wouldn't have) in fact I weight less now than I did when I was married... but again I never thought of myself as "obese" ...just overweight.......

My BMI ( body mass index is 40.8) it should be between 18-25 UGH....but it was 44.6 when I got married, I managed to get it down to 34.3 before all the surgeries started, but because of not being ALLOWED/able to work out I packed 30 lbs back on....gggrrrrrrrr.

I will do it again...I have to... I can not stand the sight of myself.....

That and I KNOW what I need to do.

However I am writing this blog to vent the emotions that I have been going over the last few days....I have been incredibly weepy, it isn't easy to admit morbid obesity to yourself. Even thought (and Cameron pointed this out) I haven't gained anything since before I knew...so what has changed ...just the wording really I have always had to loose 110 lbs. and I knew this..so why am I so incredibly upset about it now??

I realize it is the shame that goes hand in hand with the word...and the guilt, even though the 30lbs (out of the 60 lost) I gained back was not fully my fault. I wasn't able/allowed to do activity for a long time...but I did keep half of it off still..I concede that I still could have made better eating choices though. But over all that is a good thing.

It is hard it is one of the major things we need to live and it can kill us too...ugh....I feel guilty because of being obese my anxiety disorder was unbearable (BEFORE I almost died with the infection in the hospital) It was based from me being fat.
I felt that I was too fat to be seen, I didn't want to run into old b/f, or friends...because I could hear the "Oh I saw Lorna the other day and she is HUGE and fat...she has really let herself go" and I felt that the world shouldn't have to be punished by having to look at my disgusting body. I put myself and the people I care about through hell....and it was hell...everyday afraid to go out and bee seen by people I know, including extended family....The near death hospital thing really put the time I was wasting into perspective.....but not the weight part.

I am a morbidly obese woman. I am at risk of at LEAST a dozen serious health issues, and at least that many minor ones, which is worse than the ones for just obese, and the same for overweight... The only person who can do anything about it is the person who stares back from the mirror at me....even if I dislike her...she is worth knowing at her best...and she isn't and that HAS to change.

The post was seeming like (as I mulled it over for the last few days) like it was going to be very upsetting, hopeless, and depressing....but after speaking with two very wonderful people in my life at length about it. I realize it isn't a bleak as it was feeling. Since I realized I am morbidly obese I have wanted to run screaming and tearing my flesh from my body like a person who is wearing clothes that are on fire......the most agonizing thing for me right now is I know in order to get to my ultimate goal weight (135lbs) if I did everything absolutely perfect....the healthy rate of weight loss is 2.5 lbs. per week I'm still looking at 11 months........ but that also doesn't include plateaus that can stall your weight loss for a few weeks before you can break through them... but I am burning now! These "burning clothes" are burning me now.. and I want it off..if I loose the weight too rapidly though ,the chance of regaining and gaining extra on top is WAY higher...

I did get some inspiration today in the form of a little red headed German lady .... I do not know exactly how old she is but I know she is a senior... and she knocked on my door today to ask ME if she could come and work out with me because she is feeling motivated to work out and get in better shape......wow...I hope if I need to loose weight when I'm her age I have the guts to do it... it made me feel foolish for being embarrassed to go the gym that all the other mom's from the preschool go to, just because they are all thin.This little German lady said she would like to go with me to that very gym at that very time...so hell if she can do it...I'm foolish to think be apprehensive about it.

Well this post is getting plenty long, I'm sure the rest of you have things you need to do other than read my blog, but thank you for reading it ..I know I can get long winded at times...but I do appreciate all the people who DO take time out of their day to read about my struggles, hopes, memories and joys.