Where is credit deserved?

Have you ever had something that completely alters how you look at everything, life, death, time, things of importance?

I had one. I spent 20 days in the hospital not knowing if I was going to live or die....over those 20 days I had more than enough time to think. I missed Christmas day, and New Years Eve.
I tell you I sat there in the hospital room frustrated and upset crying so hard they would medicate me just for a moments peace.....I do not blame them....I would have medicated the hell outta me too...

I was frustrated, because the "doctor was on holiday" and other tech people were on "holiday" which left me having nothing done. No answers, with a fever, not eating (because the mere thought of food made me wretch), no reprieve from the sweats and the chills, with my complexion utterly gray.
I looked dead. With 3 liters of Staph infection fluid in your gut you would too.

They didn't have my favorite channels (Teletoon and Space) on the TV that cost 11$ a day to have so IN between "what not to wear", " Holmes on homes", and "Extreme home makeovers" I had too much time to reflect on my life. How I treat people, all the time I was wasting due to my anxiety disorder and clinical depression, not being under control. The first thing I did after I got home was talk to my doctor about getting in to see mental health. I wanted to get more out of myself, so I could get more out of life. To be able to be the independent person I am.


I used to be terrified to do the simplest things, to drive my car, talk to somebody I didn't know. I used to not get very much enjoyment from anybody around me, or any activities. I used to stay in the house and hide behind my computer, hating myself more and more each day.

Since Jan 2006? How have I changed?

- I have a few hobbies ( drawing, sewing, beading, scribing, scroll painting)
-quite a few friends I hang out with regularly
-I drive places I'm NOT 100% familiar with without anxiety attacks.
- I wear some makeup almost everyday
-I dress nicer
- I try to get in on conversations with people I'm not familiar with in a social scene.
-I speak my mind more even when it is something the person I'm speaking too doesn't want to hear
-I do not punk out from social events like I used to because of my anxiety disorder
- have taken up archery
-I am more outgoing, not an extrovert, but I'm not hiding in a corner anymore either.
-I started to support Cameron in his hobby/work (it started as a hobby but became a second job) by going to the social gatherings they have, by chatting with his friends, and go out of my way to make/get things for their kids, cooking for them, doing the photo albums, scanning various documents, not getting angry when he has things on weekends, not being upset or afraid when it calls him away for week 2-10 days, helping him think of way that the other spouses might be included.
-taking more time to play with my kids
- taking them to field trips (I had anxiety attacks for the first few Nigel had to go to, so I'd missed them)
-arranging playdates for the kids
-trying to become a better listener and a more effective communicator.
-going to weight watchers, even thought I was terrified
-doing the things it will take for me to like myself.
-I am in better control of my emotions, even when I get upset ( not 100% but better than It was)

Family and friends have said I have done a complete 180 degree turn from what I used to be.

However, I seem to still have obstacles to face. The biggest one is due to the mistrust of others to believe that I have changed, and that I have no inclination to return to the way I was before....

Before I was sitting on the sidelines watching everybody else go through and enjoy life, so I was despising and envying them for it.

Yes I still have feelings. I will not be happy about everything that happens and I will say as much.
For example: if there is an event that Cam has the same day I have something I want to do, which means I can't do my thing ( he gets paid for his as I said it is a second job), yes I'm going to be annoyed, yes I'm going to be disappointment.........I may even mention it now and again.........am I not entitled to express SOME of my feelings?

Am I going to get so upset that I cry, or guilt trip, or yell, and nag him till he is at wits end?
NO not like I used to.

I never liked being that person....I am liking the person I'm becoming (becasue I'm always a work in progress we all are)

I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I know I'm far from perfect, but sometimes I feel that all the HUGE steps I've made over the last year have been forgotten.
Many people would take years to get to were I am now, from were I started....I have done it in a little over a year.

I do not expect a parade. I just wish people would believe that "the other shoe is not going to fall" and have me revert back to the way I was, not after all of this work.... and it is work....every single day.

Sometimes it seems like the amount of effort and courage it took to admit I had issues, let alone go and get help, and TAKE that help for it is completely disregarded.
There are people who have all kinds of issuses that they NEVER get any help with.....because they think they can handle it....... when truth be known they are making everybody around them crazy.

Yes I changed my life for me, but I also did it for the people I love.
I just wish there was a way I could make people understand, but I can't.....
All I can do is to keep doing what I'm doing....and hope they see.