Green Lantern Meatloaf

Well yesterday I thought it would be fun if I did something a little different for supper.

I had planned the ever exciting "meatloaf"...so to make it more fun I asked my son if I should make it into a meatloaf man.
He reminded me of a conversation we had earlier this month were I had said I would make the Green Lantern symbol out of the meat loaf.
So I did just that.
The following pictures are of the process.

1. I created my meat loaf meat ( secret recipe) then shaped it into the Green Lantern Symbol

Step 2:  After thinking about the different thickness and the fact that this particular pan does NOT have a lid I decided to throw bacon on top of it to keep the moisture and the juices in the meat.

Step 3, Again to keep the juices in the meat and for added flavor I put a sauce made of tomato soup and various spices over top ( picture below is BEFORE cooking)

Step 4: Bake it in the oven!

I tasted GOOD :) and that isn't just me saying that my whole family thought to too :)

So I posted the pics on my facebook. and My buddy Travis had this to add:

"In brightest day
In blackest night
No protein shall escape my bite
Let those who worship broccoli's might
Beware my power, MEAT LANTERN'S LIGHT"

Which just made me roar, so I thought I'd share that too :)



The kids have some other idea for dinner/art that they want me to do, so I'll add those to the blog as I attempt them.

Did He?

Well on Sunday. I had some very strange signs… I guess they are signs...I do not know I’ll just sound crazy to everybody..... So I’ll just tell you what happened.



After months of not going to church, something in my gut had been telling me to go …I had to get there…at the time I do not know why but I knew I just had to go.



While sitting there in the church listening to the sermon about a subject I had been struggling with in my day to day life for the last few months. I realized the very moment I was looking at. The minister …what he was saying word for word… what he was wearing… where he was standing……how he gestured.

I had a dream of him doing and saying those exact things a few days earlier….So much so it was to the point I knew what he was going to say next. It lasted about ten minutes.



I was flabbergasted.



So after crying and listening to the rest of the sermon we left church. We went about our day. I must have looked a wreck… Cameron kept asking me what was wrong. I had told him about the dream. I do not know if he understood how muchit effected me. I have had the odd dream before of dreaming and instance but usually only a few seconds and never THAT clearly, usually more of a "remembering after the fact" instead of realizing while it was still happenng. I am not sure why that had happened and that was partly why I was SOOO moved.



Out to my mom’s to get Nigel. Then out to Cameron’s Mom’s for Sunday supper and Sadie’s b-day cake. After dinner and chatting we headed home.



Now I know I have said I have had epiphanies on the way home from Surrey before, but nothing like this.



As we were driving I was watching the clouds float by…



Then I realized the clouds were looking back.



I turned to Cameron and said “look at that cloud it looks like and EYE.” He agreed and said it was almost creepy how much it looked like and eye.



The first thing I thought of was God; he was watching over me. The cloud eye opened wider then dispersed. Then a little further down the road a different cloud looked like a fish, then the same cloud turned into a whale, then it turned again into an anchor. TALK ABOUT SYMBOLIZM!!!





***********this is what I researched about those symbols copy pasted from the net**************



The eye has been used to symbolize the all-seeing eye of God, and this symbol is still used today.

The fish was an early symbol of Christian faith that endures today on bumper stickers and businesses as a sign of Christian faith.

The fish is thought to have been chosen by the early Christians for several reasons:

the Greek word for fish (ICHTUS), works nicely as an acrostic for "Jesus Christ, God's Son, Savoir"
the fish would not be an obvious Christian symbol to persecutors
Jesus' ministry is associated with fish: he chose several fishermen to be his disciples and declared he would make them "fishers of men."
It is said that during the persecution of the early church, a Christian meeting someone new would draw a single arc in the sand. If the other person was a Christian, he or she would complete the drawing of a fish with a second arc. If the second person was not a Christian, the ambiguity of the half-symbol would not reveal the first person as a Christian.



The whale Jonah, whose three days in the belly of the whale pre-figured the interval between Christ's death and Resurrection.

For most people, dreaming about whales is a pleasant experience. These huge water dwelling mammals may be symbolic of the connection that exists between the unconscious and conscious mind. They may represent the dreamer's level of awareness, perceptiveness, and intuition. Some think that they represent our emotional power or are messengers from the spiritual realms. If the ocean waters were turbulent, and the whale in your dream was unpredictable or on the attack, considers the emotional environment in your every day life. Under such unpleasant dream circumstances, these large animals may represent overwhelming emotional or psychological issue and problem.

For the historical accuracy of Jonah from both our stand-point of faith and hope, is important as it foreshadows Christ’s own death and resurrection. Christ would not have associated the single most important event in our history (his holy resurrection) to a mere fable or fairy tale. If we are to accept the teachings of Jesus Christ, as given to us from the accounts in the Gospels – then we must accept that Jonah, being swallowed by a fish, is historical fact.

Do we serve the Lord by reasoning away His majesty? Do we serve the Lord by diminishing the importance of knowing that the Lord God makes the impossible possible? We need not see the fish to know that our faith in God’s love for us gives us hope.


The anchor is a very early Christian symbol that has been found in the catacombs. It brings together the cross and the various nautical Christian symbols (fish, boat, dolphin), and it symbolizes Christian hope in Christ.

*****************END of net pasting**********************************************
What *I* felt it all means….. Well I can only give you the impressions I first had…when it all happened.

When I saw the eye I thought “I am the I am. Then I saw the eye open and it made me feel like god was telling me he was looking out for me and my family.



Then when I saw the fish it reinforced that it was god trying to talk to me…It also reminded me of sacrifice. Sometimes we have to sacrifice for the greater good.



Then when it turned into the whale I thought of the story of Johan and how there will be times it is hard to follow god, but I should do it anyway.

You know those time when the world says what is the smart thing, but you know it isn’t the right thing… but our world thinks that the smart way *IS* the right way…

Like forgiving somebody who has wronged you.The world would think you a daft by not holding a grudge and stoping them from being in your life anymore.


Then when I saw the whale turn into and anchor it made me feel like he was saying when I follow his way that he would be the anchor for me in trouble waters…He would ground me when the world is turbulent.



Reading the meanings I also feel that it may be some more insight.



I also feel he was trying to tell me my anxiety disorder has been a HUGE stumbling block in me going to church… ”these large animals may represent overwhelming emotional or psychological issue and problem.” I think he was telling me he will be my anchor through the mental turmoil my brain puts me through.



This was quite an emotional day….at least for me. But then again I’m crazy...at least to this world.

the Olympic memory

It is funny how your kids can spark a happy memory that they had no idea about the time they sparking the memories to.

I'll give you a map to that sentence.
What I mean is my daughter was sitting here and she DESPERATELY wanted to watch the summer Olympics. So I caved and let her. ( I'm not a HUGE fan myself)

Instantly while watching it my brain rushes back in time to before she was born, back when Cameron and I got out first place together.

We had no money. The apartment was small, (It was in the west end of down town Vancouver). It had a weird green light bulb in the dining room. We had no money, I was going to school ( VCC) and Cameron was just getting over a strike. Both of our mom's gave us groceries ( care packages) for our move out together. Both of them included a 2kg bag of peas each, and we had also bought a bag 2 kg bag of peas....We ate peas forever (Cameron is still sick of peas to this day)

The reason the Olympics remind me of all that is because we had no cable and we only got one channel ....the mother corp. CBC and what did they have on almost ALWAYS?? the Olympics!

I remember walking up the back alley to the back of my building and seeing Cameron's goofy grin, and him waving like a maniac from our microscopic kitchen (honestly I think the bathroom was bigger, and that you had to step into the tub to open the door to get out)

Those were some hard and wonderful times.

That was the apt we lived in when Cameron asked me to marry him. We had been farting around walking around the west end, checking out the "open houses" (mostly just to see what in insides of other places looked like, and to get free dough nuts). I had a vanilla latte (big shock there.... I know) We where just walking down the road and he turned me to give me a kiss, and after the kiss he looked at me and said "will you marry me".

You could have knocked me down with a feather.

I could have burst.

He told me later that he had planned to do a huge do ...banners and all...and have a ring in hand, but he got SOOO excited he just had to ask right there right then.
When he did get my engagement ring he did bring it to me at work and sang to me in the court yard in the front of the building....

You know I ~~HATE~~ country music, but I ABSOLUTLY LOVE hearing Cameron sing. Him singing to me means more than he'll ever know....He puts so much of himself into it you can't help but feel moved...Like he is reaching out with his heart and soul for my heart and soul.

So now I'm sitting here watch the Olympics again , and not wanting to but being soooooo filled of happy-go-shiny feelings from my memories, makes watching it not bad at all.

For my husband

Like the air, he is around me.
He warms me when I'm cold
He cools me when I'm hot.
He is a person I love to know, I love to love.
With him I am complete
I am independent, but I do not WANT to get through this life without him.
I like him, he is my best friend, my anchor, my rock, and my shelter.
Always in my heart and always in my thoughts.
When problems arise we work together making each other stronger
We walk together, our heads may turn but our steps never falter...
Even when he is far away we walk together




I'm really missing you

The man I knew

I had soo much I wanted to say but I couldn't fit it all in.

James Lorne Hull was the man I knew
Stolen before his time was due
Sorrow left us feeling raw
Add in salt, the final straw .
Broken hearts, falling tears
Longing for the stolen years

A bag of shirts, smile on his face
Lead him to that warm embrace.
I learned the stories from his life
That brought him to his loving wife

An instant Dad, A guiding light
Tried to teach them wrong from right
Even when it didn't work
An upset kid can be a jerk
He could have walked at any time
But he CHOSE to tow that line.

Forgiveness he had always tried
Even at his last bedside
Petty arguments washed away
specially on his final day

I wish our children had got to see
How great a "papa" he could be
I didn't get much time with Jim
Or to say that I loved him.
James Lorne Hull was the man I knew
Stolen..... before his time was due.

What is lost

Well it is looking like the funeral will be held on the 8th of Sept 1:30 pm at our church.

I keep having sudden out bursts of sorrow and weeping, then I'm okay....then I'm crying again. The outbursts mostly happen when I think of things like:

-The fact that over the ten years I knew him, I only got one hug from him ever and that was on my wedding day.

-That I never got to tell him that I loved him...

-When I say something at the house. (the house being Laureen and Jim's place) Something that Jim would have ran with it. Then we would have been going back and forth, either cracking up OR grossing out the others. Now I say something and it gets left behind. There is no laughing......

-How little time my kids and I got with him. How angry I feel when I think of all the time the others had and how some of them wasted it by being petty and small.

-He was the weirdness that made me feel at home at Jim and Laureen's house. Now he is gone......I feel like a weirdo who nobody truly understands now.

-How I'll never get to scratch his back again,(he was kinda like a bear against a tree) and the kids will not get to play with Papa's hair (the kids would play with it and make it stick up in funny ways)

-How I only got to hear maybe a 1/8 (if that)of his funny stories about his life.

-How the kids only got one summer holiday to the cabin with him. How they were really just getting to know him like how the other kids knew him, and how he was just getting to know my kids developing personalites.

-How I never got to tell him how important he was to making me feel like "one of the family". I'm not saying that the others do not make me feel welcome, they do... but Jim made it feel familiar...he was crazy like my mom and her family. I think it is something about both all of them being born on an ISLAND ..I find people who lived on islands sense of humor is way more BENT than the rest of the world.


It is strange even though over at Cameron's mom's house I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me. They are funny people, without Jim there I feel a strange loneliness, I feel like a thumb on the hand... I'm important and I'm suppose to be there, but I'm not like the others....

I could identify with Jim.

Cameron and his mom are quite the similar ...and Jim and I were very much similar..... So when Cameron and I had personality clashes Jim understood in a way nobody else could, because Laureen and him would clash in similar ways....now that understanding is gone.

I feel ripped off.

I feel ripped off for my kids too.

We never got to meet Cameron's grandpa, or grandma, and now to loose Jim. So many of the people who meant so much to my husband while he was growing up and how I never got to know....our kids never got to know.

The thing that make s me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry are those who actually HAD the chance and THREW IT AWAY................for NO GOOD reason....just being petty and small.
They are STILL throwing it away...by not even attempting to make amends with those who are left...
It makes me want to ~~SCREAM~~~ at them....because my kids never got the chance.

I didn't get to see Jim when he was able to move and do as many things as he could before.
The time I got with him he was in pain the whole time. He didn't go out very much because due to the pain he was in. I only got to know "hurting sedate Jim" not "dancing with aunt Darlene at Christmas Jim".

It isn't fair.

I know my pain isn't as bad as Cameron's, or Laureen's. I do not profess it to be...I never would.

I can only speak of what I know and experience.

My kids missed out on my dad, my brother, my grandparents, Cameron's grandparents, and now their Papa. I worry that Nigel is too young to remember him...that as he ages..Jim will fade from his little mind. I worry about Sadie forgetting too, but because she is older I hope that she is old enough to remember some.

There is so much due to death, I never got a chance to know....so much my kids didn't get to know...

It isn't fair.......it just isn't fair

So if you are reading this think about that person(or people) who is(are) special to you, and even if you are mad at them for some silly thing, LET IT GO.... go back and spend time.. even if it is just a coffee every now and again..do it now! Because when it is gone...it is gone forever.

Really, are most of the things people get offended and angry about worth a life time of guilt when they die?? Not likely.

It's over

It is over, He has passed. I got the call from Cameron this evening.

My stomach hurts.

I had just texted messaged Cameron that Sadie had just looked at me and said "You wanna know what I'm thinking?? I'm thinking Papa isn't going to make it"

The first thing Cameron said to me when he called was "Sadie knew , I don't know how she knew, but she knew what was going on"

I asked "It's over" Cam said yes....

the rest of the details do not need to be shared....

I'm having a hard time...I do not want to lie to Sadie, but Cameron doesn't want me to have to deal with them learning about this on my own.

I wish I was with Cameron, I want to be there for him.

Ugh my stomach hurts and my eyes feel like they are BLEEDING from all the crying.

update on the situation

I am home now I got home at 10 last night, Cameron's sister and brother in-law came home yesterday, so they have their two dogs home and they also can comfort their daughter in a way I never could.
It looks like my brother in-law and my nephew are staying at Laureen and Jim's place until Laureen gets back. which I'm glad for because I was worried it was just going to be my nephew by himself there.. which was hard enough for me...I don't even want to think about how hard it would be for him...so when I was told Steve would be staying with him I was relieved.

yesterday I went to Church. I love the people at my church, always there to help....Cameron had asked the minister (via phone) to say a special prayer for his dad and the whole family, but he asked if he could do it AFTER the kids had gone downstairs to Sunday school. Emery did just that he waited, which I'm glad for ...because I had had Sadie , Nigel and my niece with me. I knew when the prayer started I would not be able to keep the tears from coming. During coffee they also would come to offer "words of comfort", but would stop immediately when I darted my eyes to the kids letting the comforter know that I COULDN'T talk about it with the kids there.

Now do not get me wrong the kids will know, my niece already knows some of what is happening. But we want to wait to tell ours until he has actually passed before saying anything and we want to be together when we do it .....thank god, because I do not know how I would handle it alone, although I have no clue how well Cameron is going to be able to talk to them about it do, I'm sure he'll be good but the kids haven't really seen daddy get upset....so it may weird them out.

This has all been a bit of a shock...I mean we knew his health wasn't the best, but had no clue it was THIS bad. last week nobody would have even entertained the idea that he would be lingering on the edge of death....since Thursday our worlds have just been flipped upside down... we are trying to be more kind with the kids and break it to them very carefully, My two know that Papa is very sick and is in the hospital.

It seems like the universe is trying to help us with breaking the news to the kids. We have been watching various movies and the topic of death keeps coming up in them...a bridge to terabithia (sp?) a character dies in it and it is very very very sad (I do not want to give out details just incase you haven't seen it) it took everything I had not to cry...this not crying business is HARD...then the pokemon movie one of the little characters pokemon thingies died, and then corpse bride, all with huge scene involving death. Okay the corpse bride I was kind of expecting death type scenes but not the other two! Nigel started to cry when the pokemon died...I had to comfort him and try not to think about the conversation that we'd be having with him all TOO soon.

Then a phone call came in it was my friend, she asked if I'd be up for her to pop by for a tea..I said sure..

I'm sitting at the computer when the door bell just started ringing ringing ringing. ( a trademark of one of my other friends Marion) So I figured oh Marion has popped by...

I open the door to see Stacey , Marion and Mama (her nickname it is Marion's mom who is kind of motherly to everybody) Mama was holding a card, gladiolas, and they brought arm loads of "casseroles" to help out while we are having such a sorrow filled time.

I have never been moved so many times but the kind acts of others as I have been being during this time. I must say I'm surprised and thankful. it doesn't take the hurting and sorrow away but it does give you hope and faith, which is what everybody needs specially at times like this

The inevitable....

Well something I had prayed wouldn't happen to Cameron for a long long long long time seems to be inevitable.
His dad, Jim is in the hospital (out in Kamloops because he was at the cabin when he got ill) it looks like he will not be coming out.

I want to be with Cameron. I want to be able to be sad. I thought I'd have the weekend alone to cry and get it out of my system, so I could be strong for Cameron and the kids, but I got a phone call this morning. It was my brother in-law and he was obviously upset and sounding very frazzled he had been on his way to take his two kids (13 and 16) to say their "good byes" but his youngest didn't want to go, couldn't bare the thought of seeing Papa so sick...so he was on the phone asking me if she could stay with me while I watch the dogs ( 4 dogs a German Shepherd/lab cross, a German Shepherd/blue healer cross, a German Shepherd mix something, and a beagle.) at Jim and Laureen's house

What could I say?? I had to say yes, even thought my heart wanted to be going with them to be with Cameron and to say good bye to Jim.... I know I could have gotten my mom to watch my kids for a few days. but they needed me here...with the youngest family members and the animals.

My nieces parents talked to her on the phone today to tell her "how it was looking" and for at least a half hour she was crying... not a weeping cry...but those hard ones that hurt your insides...It broke my heart all I wanted to do is cry...but *I'M* her support here, I'm her adult..I have to hold it together...I'm not the strong one in the family...but I managed to hold it together a tear or two fell but I didn't make a sound to cry.

I am sitting here in Jim's and Laureen's house almost every memory I have of Jim is HERE. I had to go in his room to look for the steam cleaner (I couldn't find it and one of the dogs peed on the floor UGH) and I opened his bedroom door and I was hit in the face with a brick of Jim's scent, now the smell as been lingering with me... following me around the house all day, and I can't be gone from the house because couple of the dogs will fight each other if not monitored (2 live here with Jim and Laureen and the other two live with Carolynn and Steve.) so I can't even run away from it, even for a while.

Cameron keeps asking me "How am I doing" but I can't tell him how I'm doing because no matter how bad I'm doing I know he is doing ten times worse (at least).
I never got to say "good bye to my dad, grandma, or Trevor.....but I also didn't have to see them die either...or see them afraid...So however "bad" I'm doing I will do my damnest not to let it show, especially since I'll probably have to be the one who explains it to our children (5 and 7 yrs). They know what death is, because of my dad and my brother ....they know it is forever.

I just feel horrible that they didn't get to know Jim better they only got one summer holiday to the cabin with them, Nigel only got 4 Xmases with him and Sadie only got 6 ... It is breaking my heart and to think about how lonely Laureen will be.. and how hard it is for me being here in their house how much more hard it will be for her....
I do not know if we even go a picture of Jim with our kids. other than the one where he is holding Sadie when she was first born.

I keep praying for a miracle. Some wondrous thing that will make this a happy ending, but every time I get updated on him, it isn't any better..
So I have to milk the most I can out of the smallest good things, like the woman who was sharing the hospital room with Jim offered her home to Cameron's family while they stayed in Kamloops, and that his brother made it up and patched things up with Jim and Jim responded to him (he hasn't been responding much because of being so ill)just so I do not completely break down.

All I want to do is call Cameron and hear his voice, but he needs his rest and I need to rest too. I have to talk to Emery tomorrow (our minister about possible funeral type stuff) I don't think I'm able to. But I have to.

I should sleep. I have no idea when I'm going home I need to get my keys out there so my cats can be fed. I figured I'd be home tomorrow, but now I'm unsure.

Last night I MAYBE got an hour sleep because of weird sensations I was having. The first one was what felt like a warm/hot breath on my neck (nobody in the room BTW) then another was something jarring the bed, then a ice cold chill, I almost felt like I was being tormented by ghosts all night long. I finally gave up on sleeping at 6 am (I had gone to bed a 2 am)

On top of that I had an interview today for a job.I swear I must have welts on my stomach from pinching myself so I wouldn't tear up or cry during the interview when I had to tell him about what was going on..in order to book my start date.

Lord give me strenght, and let me rest tonight. let everybody rest tonight.

Positive and negitive

Have you ever had somebody who you WISH would ask you to join in on something, but you do not want to hint to them about it, because then you feel like you forced your company upon them.

I had that happened recently. Talk about feeling forlorn...

I mean who wants to be included when you feel like you guilted people into including you. I was VERY tempted to hint and say something, but I felt if I did and got included it wouldn't feel half as good asi would if i was just included because they actually wanted to include me...so I was left behind, which isn't bad...

It just would have been fun to be included....OH well maybe next time.

I have been wrestling with my inner demons allot lately...things that I have always usually never stopped myself from feelling, but they are negative emotions..

**Negative emotions are emotions that you have that feed hate, envy, jealousy, self loathing and so on....Positive emotions are ones that feed feelings like joy, love, forgiveness and grace ( and I do not think enough people know the true meaning of the word "grace" ).**

Well on my road to self betterment, I have been wrestling with the inner feelings that feed the negative... I can only describe it as it "blackens my heart" or "damages my soul"

I know sounds kinda cheesy.... but hey everybody likes CHEESE.

Some negative emotions are easier to let go of than others.....I'm finding I'm having a heck of a time with envy and self loathing....but I have been keeping them to myself in order to work through them without effecting those around me in a negitive way, since they can do NOTHING about it anyhow.

I'm not feeling like people remember how I used to be......I used to let myself have these negitive emotions by the boat load ....before I "woke up".
Now I have much better control of them.....when I experience these feeling I tend to "keep quite" because if I start expressing them then they GROW and 90% of the time it the negitive feelings are not warranted, they are usually just knee jerk reactions (defence mechanism) to my past experiences that have conditioned me into negitive thought patterns (which I'm trying to break).

When I give myself sometime to mull it around in my brain I can usually come up with my TRUE feelings using logic AND emotion, and not just letting the emotion run the show.

However from what I can tell some people seem to ONLY be expecting the OLD amount of negative emotions to come back and be all out of control.....and sometimes it almost feels like they "want" me to behave that way.....Almost like now that I'm behaving somewhat more SANE they are put off balance and get confused because of being put off balance.

What I have noticed ( In mine and a few other situations my attention has been drawn to) people have a tendency to want to file people away into the little "notions" of how others are to be...their friends, their family, their spouse, and even their children.
Then when that person who looked like a round peg doesn't fit in the round hole the person doing the pegging gets frustrated, because the peg has corners which the pegger hasn't ever noticed before (or the peg has just evolved into) and needs a square hole.

People HATE it when you challenge their beliefs, especially if that "challenge" proves them to be wrong in some way. People HATE being WRONG, which is something I have never understood. I'm wrong all the time, learn from it and move on. Being wrong is just a lesson...not something to get ticked about.

Back to my analogy suddenly this seemingly round peg is actually a square peg...now the peg placer doesn't know what to do with this extra square peg because it only had a round whole for them. Some beggers take the time and whittle down the sides of the round hole and make a square hole...it takes time but they do it...others just throw the peg away therefore having one less peg...
Who would suffer there? The peg being tossed to try to find a hole it does fit, or the pegger left with an unfilled hole? Tough call.

People are like water THEY ADAPT...They evolve, They change. Sure it may SEEM like many do not because they still have the same traits over all, but think about yourself are you ANYTHING like the person you were 20 yrs ago? 10? 5?... NO, you have learned things and even if it is just changing inside your own head (your views on things or your priorities) People shouldn't use ONLY the past to asses a persons possible behavior, you have to use the behaviors from the present as well....I have been feeling misjudged...

I understand 30 years of usually behaving one way will take more than 2 years to prove the change.......without question.
I understand I took time to present as a round peg, and have only "found my corners" in the last two years (due to almost dying).
However having people expect the old behaviours from you does not make you want to continue working on the NEW ones simply because you start to feel " I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't"....and changing behaviour is HARD ENOUGH without having the added challenge of constantanly having to "PROVE" the change.
Let my actions speak for themselves, not what is THOUGHT to be is going on in my head.... half the time *I"M* not sure what is going on in my head...so how could anybody else?

I just ask..PLEASE consider my behaviors in the NOW not the BEFORE...

Thank you for taking the time to read this I hope I didn't ramble too much

The drives of reckoning

Wow this year has been a true time of reckoning for me...

For those of you who had been thinking that something was "wrong with me" lately or that I was upset... it was mostly wresting with the following in my head.

I have told Cameron that if he wants to go away to Vernon next summer for 7 weeks that it was fine by me..........and weirdly ........it is...

Do not get me wrong I'll miss him like crazy.... and I'll be out to visit him as much as time and $$ will allow.
This is obviously something he needs to do...Why??? I doubt I could ever fully understand (not being ARMY and all) .....
What I DO understand is missing all of those things you wish you could do, or want to do, but for various reasons you choose not to do....... be it time, money, obligations, responsibility, guilt, whatever.

The world is so huge and we can only do or be so many things in it. Every single choice narrows down our version of the world......
I wasn't about to narrow down his world on him, when it really didn't have to be...

He has always tried to be supportive with most everything I do.. He deserves at least the same support.

I have also come to the realization that I have to make sure he knows I "WANT" him not that I "NEED" him...

All the stupid love songs ,movies, and the people who regurgitate the sentiments in those movies and songs make you think that every person wants you "need" them. Need them so bad that you'd DIE without them, or that you would die for them, or die to be with them......

They make it out like it is the biggest ultimate act of love.......but my eyes are seeing clearer and it really ISN'T.......it is an act of control and manipulation.......I thought I was being so loving towards him by behaving like I was "needing" him...... but to my dismay I realize that it is "desired" and to feel "useful needed", NOT life or death needed...if that makes sense...Fortunately I still can be sure that he knows my TRUE feelings.
I have never wanted to be a "needy" person..and I know I have been in the past....... I do not know when I turned from somebody so head strong and feisty into somebody so introverted and fearful.....I do not like it and will not let it continue.............all of this just occurred to me on a drive home the other day.

Something else that occurred to me on a different drive home (geeze I think allot in the car, maybe that is why I like road trips so much)

The reason I'm so paranoid about what people think about me and if I look like a fool..... It is karma....every time that self loathing, self doubting, freak in my head rears its ugly head...I hear its cruel comments. Comments that are the EXACT ones *I* used to say as a uncaring and insensitive youth..... an example is when I was a teen and I saw a fat lady... (one the size I am now) I would turn and whisper to my friend something like "if I ever get that fat beat me to death with a two by four", or if I saw somebody not the "picture of perfect media beautiful" doing something and having fun, I would make fun of them and laugh at them behind their back.

The exact same thing I fear people doing to me...the unheard comments....the behind the back talking and laughing

Then I thought about "why I said use to say those hurtful things.......the truth was I felt very low.....unloved...unwanted....and used by every person who said they loved me, So the only way for me to feel good, or superior, and better than others was to put them down. Use them to prop myself up with ..so to speak.

WOW how cruel was I?????....

With that realization I have found it easier not to give a $hit about what the people who would make those comments think or say now.... It is strangely empowering to me, because I know WHY they'd say it if they did....weirdly this has given me courage.... and a bizarre sense of self esteem....almost like I have paid my kamatic debt and I'm in the clear...to start fresh

I had to be completely torn down and broken in order to feel and understand......having the misconceptions and the self delusions destroyed in order to experience how bad it feels...so I can gain TRUE perspective as well as to have grace and patients for those around me who still haven't "cleared their vision". Now that I have all that....I am not going to waste it.