An egg
Tiny
Benign
Hatches
You maggot
You grow and fester in me
You are alive and wriggling
Eating me from the inside out.
You grow and grow.
You fly
Buzzing around in my ear
It is deafening
Make me crazy
I swat and miss
Swat and miss again
I can’t get rid of you
You lay more eggs
Soon my body is swarming with the eggs you planted
I have no control,
I swat and fight
I hate you.
Sometimes it looks like I’m winning
But I’m just failing
Floundering
You can’t help me
You do not see them
You do not understand
With that you inadvertently help them.
I’m riddled with maggots
I am over whelmed.
Always they are there
I can hear them wriggling
It is like screaming in my ears
They eat away at my insides
I am only clean white bones of what I was
At least I’m thin now.
Showing posts with label introspective. Show all posts
Showing posts with label introspective. Show all posts
Friday, September 19, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Long shift?
Roses are reds
Violets are purples
remember the girl
who speaks in circles
The weird writings a result of long shift in my van WITH internet connection WHOO HOO.
Sometimes my brain starts to wander and sometimes it even takes me with it.
Violets are purples
remember the girl
who speaks in circles
The weird writings a result of long shift in my van WITH internet connection WHOO HOO.
Sometimes my brain starts to wander and sometimes it even takes me with it.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Lunatic lunch
Do you smell it?
Feel it?
It covers me like mud
I can’t absorb it
Yet I can’t get clean
How do I get my soul clean in such a mess?
They never understand.
They can’t
They aren’t wired that way.
I have been damaged in many falls.
So I rewired myself bit by bit, as I could.
Now I only make sense to me and, maybe an open heart.
Truly open,
No hiding
No justifying
Open like a book for all who care to read.
Mud is bitter and will taint me
It taints all it touches.
Even if it is only to pick it up in order to fling it
Some always stays with you under your nails
Where you can’t see, but you are still filthy.
Never stare at yourself in a mirror to close for to long.
The flaws and filth will burn out your mind.
Do I sound like a lunatic, or a prophet?
Confucius or confusion
Everything new sounds crazy…….
Until.... it works… then it is brilliant
Insanity and brilliances are only separated by success
One has it the other doesn’t
I’m tired of being crazy; it’s somebody else’s turn.
Feel it?
It covers me like mud
I can’t absorb it
Yet I can’t get clean
How do I get my soul clean in such a mess?
They never understand.
They can’t
They aren’t wired that way.
I have been damaged in many falls.
So I rewired myself bit by bit, as I could.
Now I only make sense to me and, maybe an open heart.
Truly open,
No hiding
No justifying
Open like a book for all who care to read.
Mud is bitter and will taint me
It taints all it touches.
Even if it is only to pick it up in order to fling it
Some always stays with you under your nails
Where you can’t see, but you are still filthy.
Never stare at yourself in a mirror to close for to long.
The flaws and filth will burn out your mind.
Do I sound like a lunatic, or a prophet?
Confucius or confusion
Everything new sounds crazy…….
Until.... it works… then it is brilliant
Insanity and brilliances are only separated by success
One has it the other doesn’t
I’m tired of being crazy; it’s somebody else’s turn.
Friday, August 8, 2008
A poem "Untitled"
A single moment...
lingers...
is gone.
Forever in my mind...
burning my sanity with what if's and might have been's.
The uncertainty of my being...
questions I had answers to...
all washed away.
For a brief instant....I glimpsed all his designs
I knew god.
I knew clarity.
I knew security.
I knew my purpose.
I knew why I'm here.
I knew what he wanted of me.
I knew the lessons I should bring.
Now....
Confusion crashes over me....
Fear rapes me with wild abandon leaving me spent and disturbed
I'm cold and hurt inside and out.
I sigh......and reach for my coffee
lingers...
is gone.
Forever in my mind...
burning my sanity with what if's and might have been's.
The uncertainty of my being...
questions I had answers to...
all washed away.
For a brief instant....I glimpsed all his designs
I knew god.
I knew clarity.
I knew security.
I knew my purpose.
I knew why I'm here.
I knew what he wanted of me.
I knew the lessons I should bring.
Now....
Confusion crashes over me....
Fear rapes me with wild abandon leaving me spent and disturbed
I'm cold and hurt inside and out.
I sigh......and reach for my coffee
Monday, July 7, 2008
A small update
I have sooo much to say but I can’t because it isn’t all just about me…… just know I have grown and I’ve found a peace in myself and my faith that comforts me in way nothing ever has. So much I didn’t understand makes SOOO much sense now. I wish I could make others understand, but I just sound like a crazy person…so much so I get embarrassed to tell anybody. Imagine how crazy Noah looked, building a boat in a dessert…such a BIG boat, and when people asked him he said “because God told me too” but that is how the epiphany makes me feel…like if I told anybody they would be okay do you have any idea about how strange that sounds….and why would god talk to you? Why would that aspect of your life even make a real difference to god anyhow, it is soo small in the grand scheme of things. So I keep it to myself….hoping those who are close to me understand and do not think I’m a whackadoo.
I have grown a lot. I’m filled with an inner peace. I am also filled with a strange confidence in myself and certainty that was never there before. I will write more as I come up with stuff.
But there is a little teaser for now.
I have grown a lot. I’m filled with an inner peace. I am also filled with a strange confidence in myself and certainty that was never there before. I will write more as I come up with stuff.
But there is a little teaser for now.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Why didn't I think of this. No... Wait... I DID!
The below was yanked from an email *I* sent my friend who is having some issuses...I took out anything that could id the friend so I could use this to make my point.
*********************
"If you think you are pretty then you are...really if one person came up to you and said "hey you look pretty today" you would be on the top of the world right?? WHY can't that one person be you? Once you feel better about you..you will find more people around you feel better about you.
Fake it till you make it.
Self esteem is just that something ONLY you yourSELF can give to you....it will not matter what ANYBODY around you does. If you do not give it to yourSELF you will not have it....no matter if you land that great guy....... infact eventually it would push him away because having no self esteem is like a black hole of negativity it sucks all the positive energy down and leave everybody around it with the negative.
You have allot going for you. I challenge you to sit down on your next blog entry and write 50 things that are positive about yourself. and if you have trouble I can help you.
We have been polluted into thinking "if I think something nice about myself I'm being vain" and that is the WORST thing in the world. It is not vain to have confidence Vain is thinking you are better than others...but thinking you are good is NOT the same thing now is it?
and here is another part of my challenge I want you to wear an elastic band on your wrist and snap it every time you"compare" yourself to somebody else in anyway. be it looks, togetherness, skill, WHATEVER snap it...you will be surprised how often seeking somebody else achieve makes up feel bad...This is self conditioning, every time you do it snap the elastic the theory is that you will stop wanting to snap the band so you will stop doing that type of negative thought .
if that person has done the work they DESERVE to be good at it..or what have you....would you want to live in a world were everybody was unattractive and behaved like jerks? Of course not so celebrate there differences and their successes, feeling envy will fill your heart and soul with negative emotions which will seep from you like sweat and stink 10X as bad
You are doing the work on yourself ...so the challenge . POST 50 things good about yourself no matter how small. and the elastic band on wrist to stop comparing to others.....and here is one more thing every morning when you do you "wake up rituals" look in the mirror and say "I am a good person who has alot to offer the world and I will make the most out of today". ( here is the tricky bit believe in it too!"
*********end quote********
Have you ever had a moment when the light turned on ( I'm certain most of you have) Has it ever been gaining insight into what you need to do when advising a friend? This happened to me. All the stuff above was stuff I had written my friend who is having troubles...as I was making the arguments and points...I realized "yeah that's right" "I need to do that too!" I guess it is good that birds of a feather flock together so we are able to take our own advice. as well as our friends :) Specially the self esteem stuff...it was stuff I KNEW but it never actually occurred to me in THAT way until I wrote it for my friend... So thank you "friend" for making me think through it.
*********************
"If you think you are pretty then you are...really if one person came up to you and said "hey you look pretty today" you would be on the top of the world right?? WHY can't that one person be you? Once you feel better about you..you will find more people around you feel better about you.
Fake it till you make it.
Self esteem is just that something ONLY you yourSELF can give to you....it will not matter what ANYBODY around you does. If you do not give it to yourSELF you will not have it....no matter if you land that great guy....... infact eventually it would push him away because having no self esteem is like a black hole of negativity it sucks all the positive energy down and leave everybody around it with the negative.
You have allot going for you. I challenge you to sit down on your next blog entry and write 50 things that are positive about yourself. and if you have trouble I can help you.
We have been polluted into thinking "if I think something nice about myself I'm being vain" and that is the WORST thing in the world. It is not vain to have confidence Vain is thinking you are better than others...but thinking you are good is NOT the same thing now is it?
and here is another part of my challenge I want you to wear an elastic band on your wrist and snap it every time you"compare" yourself to somebody else in anyway. be it looks, togetherness, skill, WHATEVER snap it...you will be surprised how often seeking somebody else achieve makes up feel bad...This is self conditioning, every time you do it snap the elastic the theory is that you will stop wanting to snap the band so you will stop doing that type of negative thought .
if that person has done the work they DESERVE to be good at it..or what have you....would you want to live in a world were everybody was unattractive and behaved like jerks? Of course not so celebrate there differences and their successes, feeling envy will fill your heart and soul with negative emotions which will seep from you like sweat and stink 10X as bad
You are doing the work on yourself ...so the challenge . POST 50 things good about yourself no matter how small. and the elastic band on wrist to stop comparing to others.....and here is one more thing every morning when you do you "wake up rituals" look in the mirror and say "I am a good person who has alot to offer the world and I will make the most out of today". ( here is the tricky bit believe in it too!"
*********end quote********
Have you ever had a moment when the light turned on ( I'm certain most of you have) Has it ever been gaining insight into what you need to do when advising a friend? This happened to me. All the stuff above was stuff I had written my friend who is having troubles...as I was making the arguments and points...I realized "yeah that's right" "I need to do that too!" I guess it is good that birds of a feather flock together so we are able to take our own advice. as well as our friends :) Specially the self esteem stuff...it was stuff I KNEW but it never actually occurred to me in THAT way until I wrote it for my friend... So thank you "friend" for making me think through it.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Positive and negitive
Have you ever had somebody who you WISH would ask you to join in on something, but you do not want to hint to them about it, because then you feel like you forced your company upon them.
I had that happened recently. Talk about feeling forlorn...
I mean who wants to be included when you feel like you guilted people into including you. I was VERY tempted to hint and say something, but I felt if I did and got included it wouldn't feel half as good asi would if i was just included because they actually wanted to include me...so I was left behind, which isn't bad...
It just would have been fun to be included....OH well maybe next time.
I have been wrestling with my inner demons allot lately...things that I have always usually never stopped myself from feelling, but they are negative emotions..
**Negative emotions are emotions that you have that feed hate, envy, jealousy, self loathing and so on....Positive emotions are ones that feed feelings like joy, love, forgiveness and grace ( and I do not think enough people know the true meaning of the word "grace" ).**
Well on my road to self betterment, I have been wrestling with the inner feelings that feed the negative... I can only describe it as it "blackens my heart" or "damages my soul"
I know sounds kinda cheesy.... but hey everybody likes CHEESE.
Some negative emotions are easier to let go of than others.....I'm finding I'm having a heck of a time with envy and self loathing....but I have been keeping them to myself in order to work through them without effecting those around me in a negitive way, since they can do NOTHING about it anyhow.
I'm not feeling like people remember how I used to be......I used to let myself have these negitive emotions by the boat load ....before I "woke up".
Now I have much better control of them.....when I experience these feeling I tend to "keep quite" because if I start expressing them then they GROW and 90% of the time it the negitive feelings are not warranted, they are usually just knee jerk reactions (defence mechanism) to my past experiences that have conditioned me into negitive thought patterns (which I'm trying to break).
When I give myself sometime to mull it around in my brain I can usually come up with my TRUE feelings using logic AND emotion, and not just letting the emotion run the show.
However from what I can tell some people seem to ONLY be expecting the OLD amount of negative emotions to come back and be all out of control.....and sometimes it almost feels like they "want" me to behave that way.....Almost like now that I'm behaving somewhat more SANE they are put off balance and get confused because of being put off balance.
What I have noticed ( In mine and a few other situations my attention has been drawn to) people have a tendency to want to file people away into the little "notions" of how others are to be...their friends, their family, their spouse, and even their children.
Then when that person who looked like a round peg doesn't fit in the round hole the person doing the pegging gets frustrated, because the peg has corners which the pegger hasn't ever noticed before (or the peg has just evolved into) and needs a square hole.
People HATE it when you challenge their beliefs, especially if that "challenge" proves them to be wrong in some way. People HATE being WRONG, which is something I have never understood. I'm wrong all the time, learn from it and move on. Being wrong is just a lesson...not something to get ticked about.
Back to my analogy suddenly this seemingly round peg is actually a square peg...now the peg placer doesn't know what to do with this extra square peg because it only had a round whole for them. Some beggers take the time and whittle down the sides of the round hole and make a square hole...it takes time but they do it...others just throw the peg away therefore having one less peg...
Who would suffer there? The peg being tossed to try to find a hole it does fit, or the pegger left with an unfilled hole? Tough call.
People are like water THEY ADAPT...They evolve, They change. Sure it may SEEM like many do not because they still have the same traits over all, but think about yourself are you ANYTHING like the person you were 20 yrs ago? 10? 5?... NO, you have learned things and even if it is just changing inside your own head (your views on things or your priorities) People shouldn't use ONLY the past to asses a persons possible behavior, you have to use the behaviors from the present as well....I have been feeling misjudged...
I understand 30 years of usually behaving one way will take more than 2 years to prove the change.......without question.
I understand I took time to present as a round peg, and have only "found my corners" in the last two years (due to almost dying).
However having people expect the old behaviours from you does not make you want to continue working on the NEW ones simply because you start to feel " I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't"....and changing behaviour is HARD ENOUGH without having the added challenge of constantanly having to "PROVE" the change.
Let my actions speak for themselves, not what is THOUGHT to be is going on in my head.... half the time *I"M* not sure what is going on in my head...so how could anybody else?
I just ask..PLEASE consider my behaviors in the NOW not the BEFORE...
Thank you for taking the time to read this I hope I didn't ramble too much
I had that happened recently. Talk about feeling forlorn...
I mean who wants to be included when you feel like you guilted people into including you. I was VERY tempted to hint and say something, but I felt if I did and got included it wouldn't feel half as good asi would if i was just included because they actually wanted to include me...so I was left behind, which isn't bad...
It just would have been fun to be included....OH well maybe next time.
I have been wrestling with my inner demons allot lately...things that I have always usually never stopped myself from feelling, but they are negative emotions..
**Negative emotions are emotions that you have that feed hate, envy, jealousy, self loathing and so on....Positive emotions are ones that feed feelings like joy, love, forgiveness and grace ( and I do not think enough people know the true meaning of the word "grace" ).**
Well on my road to self betterment, I have been wrestling with the inner feelings that feed the negative... I can only describe it as it "blackens my heart" or "damages my soul"
I know sounds kinda cheesy.... but hey everybody likes CHEESE.
Some negative emotions are easier to let go of than others.....I'm finding I'm having a heck of a time with envy and self loathing....but I have been keeping them to myself in order to work through them without effecting those around me in a negitive way, since they can do NOTHING about it anyhow.
I'm not feeling like people remember how I used to be......I used to let myself have these negitive emotions by the boat load ....before I "woke up".
Now I have much better control of them.....when I experience these feeling I tend to "keep quite" because if I start expressing them then they GROW and 90% of the time it the negitive feelings are not warranted, they are usually just knee jerk reactions (defence mechanism) to my past experiences that have conditioned me into negitive thought patterns (which I'm trying to break).
When I give myself sometime to mull it around in my brain I can usually come up with my TRUE feelings using logic AND emotion, and not just letting the emotion run the show.
However from what I can tell some people seem to ONLY be expecting the OLD amount of negative emotions to come back and be all out of control.....and sometimes it almost feels like they "want" me to behave that way.....Almost like now that I'm behaving somewhat more SANE they are put off balance and get confused because of being put off balance.
What I have noticed ( In mine and a few other situations my attention has been drawn to) people have a tendency to want to file people away into the little "notions" of how others are to be...their friends, their family, their spouse, and even their children.
Then when that person who looked like a round peg doesn't fit in the round hole the person doing the pegging gets frustrated, because the peg has corners which the pegger hasn't ever noticed before (or the peg has just evolved into) and needs a square hole.
People HATE it when you challenge their beliefs, especially if that "challenge" proves them to be wrong in some way. People HATE being WRONG, which is something I have never understood. I'm wrong all the time, learn from it and move on. Being wrong is just a lesson...not something to get ticked about.
Back to my analogy suddenly this seemingly round peg is actually a square peg...now the peg placer doesn't know what to do with this extra square peg because it only had a round whole for them. Some beggers take the time and whittle down the sides of the round hole and make a square hole...it takes time but they do it...others just throw the peg away therefore having one less peg...
Who would suffer there? The peg being tossed to try to find a hole it does fit, or the pegger left with an unfilled hole? Tough call.
People are like water THEY ADAPT...They evolve, They change. Sure it may SEEM like many do not because they still have the same traits over all, but think about yourself are you ANYTHING like the person you were 20 yrs ago? 10? 5?... NO, you have learned things and even if it is just changing inside your own head (your views on things or your priorities) People shouldn't use ONLY the past to asses a persons possible behavior, you have to use the behaviors from the present as well....I have been feeling misjudged...
I understand 30 years of usually behaving one way will take more than 2 years to prove the change.......without question.
I understand I took time to present as a round peg, and have only "found my corners" in the last two years (due to almost dying).
However having people expect the old behaviours from you does not make you want to continue working on the NEW ones simply because you start to feel " I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't"....and changing behaviour is HARD ENOUGH without having the added challenge of constantanly having to "PROVE" the change.
Let my actions speak for themselves, not what is THOUGHT to be is going on in my head.... half the time *I"M* not sure what is going on in my head...so how could anybody else?
I just ask..PLEASE consider my behaviors in the NOW not the BEFORE...
Thank you for taking the time to read this I hope I didn't ramble too much
Monday, July 9, 2007
The drives of reckoning
Wow this year has been a true time of reckoning for me...
For those of you who had been thinking that something was "wrong with me" lately or that I was upset... it was mostly wresting with the following in my head.
I have told Cameron that if he wants to go away to Vernon next summer for 7 weeks that it was fine by me..........and weirdly ........it is...
Do not get me wrong I'll miss him like crazy.... and I'll be out to visit him as much as time and $$ will allow.
This is obviously something he needs to do...Why??? I doubt I could ever fully understand (not being ARMY and all) .....
What I DO understand is missing all of those things you wish you could do, or want to do, but for various reasons you choose not to do....... be it time, money, obligations, responsibility, guilt, whatever.
The world is so huge and we can only do or be so many things in it. Every single choice narrows down our version of the world......
I wasn't about to narrow down his world on him, when it really didn't have to be...
He has always tried to be supportive with most everything I do.. He deserves at least the same support.
I have also come to the realization that I have to make sure he knows I "WANT" him not that I "NEED" him...
All the stupid love songs ,movies, and the people who regurgitate the sentiments in those movies and songs make you think that every person wants you "need" them. Need them so bad that you'd DIE without them, or that you would die for them, or die to be with them......
They make it out like it is the biggest ultimate act of love.......but my eyes are seeing clearer and it really ISN'T.......it is an act of control and manipulation.......I thought I was being so loving towards him by behaving like I was "needing" him...... but to my dismay I realize that it is "desired" and to feel "useful needed", NOT life or death needed...if that makes sense...Fortunately I still can be sure that he knows my TRUE feelings.
I have never wanted to be a "needy" person..and I know I have been in the past....... I do not know when I turned from somebody so head strong and feisty into somebody so introverted and fearful.....I do not like it and will not let it continue.............all of this just occurred to me on a drive home the other day.
Something else that occurred to me on a different drive home (geeze I think allot in the car, maybe that is why I like road trips so much)
The reason I'm so paranoid about what people think about me and if I look like a fool..... It is karma....every time that self loathing, self doubting, freak in my head rears its ugly head...I hear its cruel comments. Comments that are the EXACT ones *I* used to say as a uncaring and insensitive youth..... an example is when I was a teen and I saw a fat lady... (one the size I am now) I would turn and whisper to my friend something like "if I ever get that fat beat me to death with a two by four", or if I saw somebody not the "picture of perfect media beautiful" doing something and having fun, I would make fun of them and laugh at them behind their back.
The exact same thing I fear people doing to me...the unheard comments....the behind the back talking and laughing
Then I thought about "why I said use to say those hurtful things.......the truth was I felt very low.....unloved...unwanted....and used by every person who said they loved me, So the only way for me to feel good, or superior, and better than others was to put them down. Use them to prop myself up with ..so to speak.
WOW how cruel was I?????....
With that realization I have found it easier not to give a $hit about what the people who would make those comments think or say now.... It is strangely empowering to me, because I know WHY they'd say it if they did....weirdly this has given me courage.... and a bizarre sense of self esteem....almost like I have paid my kamatic debt and I'm in the clear...to start fresh
I had to be completely torn down and broken in order to feel and understand......having the misconceptions and the self delusions destroyed in order to experience how bad it feels...so I can gain TRUE perspective as well as to have grace and patients for those around me who still haven't "cleared their vision". Now that I have all that....I am not going to waste it.
For those of you who had been thinking that something was "wrong with me" lately or that I was upset... it was mostly wresting with the following in my head.
I have told Cameron that if he wants to go away to Vernon next summer for 7 weeks that it was fine by me..........and weirdly ........it is...
Do not get me wrong I'll miss him like crazy.... and I'll be out to visit him as much as time and $$ will allow.
This is obviously something he needs to do...Why??? I doubt I could ever fully understand (not being ARMY and all) .....
What I DO understand is missing all of those things you wish you could do, or want to do, but for various reasons you choose not to do....... be it time, money, obligations, responsibility, guilt, whatever.
The world is so huge and we can only do or be so many things in it. Every single choice narrows down our version of the world......
I wasn't about to narrow down his world on him, when it really didn't have to be...
He has always tried to be supportive with most everything I do.. He deserves at least the same support.
I have also come to the realization that I have to make sure he knows I "WANT" him not that I "NEED" him...
All the stupid love songs ,movies, and the people who regurgitate the sentiments in those movies and songs make you think that every person wants you "need" them. Need them so bad that you'd DIE without them, or that you would die for them, or die to be with them......
They make it out like it is the biggest ultimate act of love.......but my eyes are seeing clearer and it really ISN'T.......it is an act of control and manipulation.......I thought I was being so loving towards him by behaving like I was "needing" him...... but to my dismay I realize that it is "desired" and to feel "useful needed", NOT life or death needed...if that makes sense...Fortunately I still can be sure that he knows my TRUE feelings.
I have never wanted to be a "needy" person..and I know I have been in the past....... I do not know when I turned from somebody so head strong and feisty into somebody so introverted and fearful.....I do not like it and will not let it continue.............all of this just occurred to me on a drive home the other day.
Something else that occurred to me on a different drive home (geeze I think allot in the car, maybe that is why I like road trips so much)
The reason I'm so paranoid about what people think about me and if I look like a fool..... It is karma....every time that self loathing, self doubting, freak in my head rears its ugly head...I hear its cruel comments. Comments that are the EXACT ones *I* used to say as a uncaring and insensitive youth..... an example is when I was a teen and I saw a fat lady... (one the size I am now) I would turn and whisper to my friend something like "if I ever get that fat beat me to death with a two by four", or if I saw somebody not the "picture of perfect media beautiful" doing something and having fun, I would make fun of them and laugh at them behind their back.
The exact same thing I fear people doing to me...the unheard comments....the behind the back talking and laughing
Then I thought about "why I said use to say those hurtful things.......the truth was I felt very low.....unloved...unwanted....and used by every person who said they loved me, So the only way for me to feel good, or superior, and better than others was to put them down. Use them to prop myself up with ..so to speak.
WOW how cruel was I?????....
With that realization I have found it easier not to give a $hit about what the people who would make those comments think or say now.... It is strangely empowering to me, because I know WHY they'd say it if they did....weirdly this has given me courage.... and a bizarre sense of self esteem....almost like I have paid my kamatic debt and I'm in the clear...to start fresh
I had to be completely torn down and broken in order to feel and understand......having the misconceptions and the self delusions destroyed in order to experience how bad it feels...so I can gain TRUE perspective as well as to have grace and patients for those around me who still haven't "cleared their vision". Now that I have all that....I am not going to waste it.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
An Epiphany...of sorts
Well it all started last Wednesday night.......
I was watching Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic ( description below)
The Brookhaven Rehabilitation Centre in New York is home to 75 of America's fattest people who are desperate to lose the weight that is killing them. The emergency services struggle to save 750 pound Dennis Davis as he's suffocated by his own weight. Caught on camera - the food addicts who cheat 400 pound Tammy Shannon breaks the rules to smuggle in fat-laden junk food and Ex-gang member, Vincent Tucker, is 700lbs of pure attitude. Two heart attacks by the age of 27 means he has to change his "bad boy" ways if he's to survive. Former Brookhaven success story George Cuadrado (611 lbs.) is back again after just eleven months.
WOW were these people fat. it was heart breaking. They were talking about how they were going to die if they didn't stop...yet they can't stop because humans need food to live...(it would be like asking a crack addict to only take .5 cc per day while having a never ending supply at hand and seeeing it everywhere................impossible......)
Well I had been watching this upstairs because Sadie was in the tub, ( I like being near her in the water to be sure things are going okay)..... WELL Nigel was watching the show with me on and off too... then he stood between me and the TV with a very distressed look on his little face...I asked him what was wrong. He looked and pointed at me, then looked and pointed at the TV. Looking even more sad and worried he said "I don't want you to do that", and he pointed back at the TV. at the show. ( I of course reassured him that mommy will not do that)
It really bothered me that he drew that line from them to me.....why would he draw that line....to him do I look like a 400 lb-750 lbs person?
I noticed the pictures of me at the church picnic hung at church a few days later. I could distinctly remember at those moments how "nice " I thought I looked....then to see the pictures......
OH GEEZE do pictures say 1000 words. I could see my arms and the rest of me. How "not nice" I actually was which made me question " I'm I obese?"
Well I went to Cameron and said the dreaded words NO PERSON ever wants to hear from people they care about. I said, "If I ask you something will you tell me the truth no matter how much you think it may hurt my feelings, because I need to know?"
He had the "oh shit" look on his face and said, "Yes"
I asked my dreaded question, "Am I obese?"
He paused then answered "Yes" but then reassured me that he love me no matter how I look....it is Lorna he loves, not Lorna's body....(although we does and has a favorite part or two ....TEE-HEE)
I love him for that...and so many other reasons ....... I can always trust him to be there for me when I needed him ................and I needed him to be there with the truth.
How many men would give you the honest answer like that even knowing it is something you need to hear, but do not want to know,...but have to know..
Well I thought about the obese thing for most of Sunday. When I got home and Cameron went to bed I then I looked online to see what the categories are for weight for over weight, obese, and morbidly obese
I have always known how many pounds overweight I am, and NOW I'm finally able to do something about it, with all of all my surgeries and procedures being done and over with, as well as being given the okay to go back to full activities. ( I was okayed before , but then my stomach was hurting and I had to get a hematomin drained .... that was the last procedure I had done). I always looked at myself as "chubby", "big", "chunky"," over weight" but never obese.
Now I know I am 110 lbs. over weight, that hasn't change ( it will but it hasn't yet ..really I was only give the okay a couple weeks ago....so it wouldn't have) in fact I weight less now than I did when I was married... but again I never thought of myself as "obese" ...just overweight.......
My BMI ( body mass index is 40.8) it should be between 18-25 UGH....but it was 44.6 when I got married, I managed to get it down to 34.3 before all the surgeries started, but because of not being ALLOWED/able to work out I packed 30 lbs back on....gggrrrrrrrr.
I will do it again...I have to... I can not stand the sight of myself.....
That and I KNOW what I need to do.
However I am writing this blog to vent the emotions that I have been going over the last few days....I have been incredibly weepy, it isn't easy to admit morbid obesity to yourself. Even thought (and Cameron pointed this out) I haven't gained anything since before I knew...so what has changed ...just the wording really I have always had to loose 110 lbs. and I knew this..so why am I so incredibly upset about it now??
I realize it is the shame that goes hand in hand with the word...and the guilt, even though the 30lbs (out of the 60 lost) I gained back was not fully my fault. I wasn't able/allowed to do activity for a long time...but I did keep half of it off still..I concede that I still could have made better eating choices though. But over all that is a good thing.
It is hard it is one of the major things we need to live and it can kill us too...ugh....I feel guilty because of being obese my anxiety disorder was unbearable (BEFORE I almost died with the infection in the hospital) It was based from me being fat.
I felt that I was too fat to be seen, I didn't want to run into old b/f, or friends...because I could hear the "Oh I saw Lorna the other day and she is HUGE and fat...she has really let herself go" and I felt that the world shouldn't have to be punished by having to look at my disgusting body. I put myself and the people I care about through hell....and it was hell...everyday afraid to go out and bee seen by people I know, including extended family....The near death hospital thing really put the time I was wasting into perspective.....but not the weight part.
I am a morbidly obese woman. I am at risk of at LEAST a dozen serious health issues, and at least that many minor ones, which is worse than the ones for just obese, and the same for overweight... The only person who can do anything about it is the person who stares back from the mirror at me....even if I dislike her...she is worth knowing at her best...and she isn't and that HAS to change.
The post was seeming like (as I mulled it over for the last few days) like it was going to be very upsetting, hopeless, and depressing....but after speaking with two very wonderful people in my life at length about it. I realize it isn't a bleak as it was feeling. Since I realized I am morbidly obese I have wanted to run screaming and tearing my flesh from my body like a person who is wearing clothes that are on fire......the most agonizing thing for me right now is I know in order to get to my ultimate goal weight (135lbs) if I did everything absolutely perfect....the healthy rate of weight loss is 2.5 lbs. per week I'm still looking at 11 months........ but that also doesn't include plateaus that can stall your weight loss for a few weeks before you can break through them... but I am burning now! These "burning clothes" are burning me now.. and I want it off..if I loose the weight too rapidly though ,the chance of regaining and gaining extra on top is WAY higher...
I did get some inspiration today in the form of a little red headed German lady .... I do not know exactly how old she is but I know she is a senior... and she knocked on my door today to ask ME if she could come and work out with me because she is feeling motivated to work out and get in better shape......wow...I hope if I need to loose weight when I'm her age I have the guts to do it... it made me feel foolish for being embarrassed to go the gym that all the other mom's from the preschool go to, just because they are all thin.This little German lady said she would like to go with me to that very gym at that very time...so hell if she can do it...I'm foolish to think be apprehensive about it.
Well this post is getting plenty long, I'm sure the rest of you have things you need to do other than read my blog, but thank you for reading it ..I know I can get long winded at times...but I do appreciate all the people who DO take time out of their day to read about my struggles, hopes, memories and joys.
I was watching Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic ( description below)
The Brookhaven Rehabilitation Centre in New York is home to 75 of America's fattest people who are desperate to lose the weight that is killing them. The emergency services struggle to save 750 pound Dennis Davis as he's suffocated by his own weight. Caught on camera - the food addicts who cheat 400 pound Tammy Shannon breaks the rules to smuggle in fat-laden junk food and Ex-gang member, Vincent Tucker, is 700lbs of pure attitude. Two heart attacks by the age of 27 means he has to change his "bad boy" ways if he's to survive. Former Brookhaven success story George Cuadrado (611 lbs.) is back again after just eleven months.
WOW were these people fat. it was heart breaking. They were talking about how they were going to die if they didn't stop...yet they can't stop because humans need food to live...(it would be like asking a crack addict to only take .5 cc per day while having a never ending supply at hand and seeeing it everywhere................impossible......)
Well I had been watching this upstairs because Sadie was in the tub, ( I like being near her in the water to be sure things are going okay)..... WELL Nigel was watching the show with me on and off too... then he stood between me and the TV with a very distressed look on his little face...I asked him what was wrong. He looked and pointed at me, then looked and pointed at the TV. Looking even more sad and worried he said "I don't want you to do that", and he pointed back at the TV. at the show. ( I of course reassured him that mommy will not do that)
It really bothered me that he drew that line from them to me.....why would he draw that line....to him do I look like a 400 lb-750 lbs person?
I noticed the pictures of me at the church picnic hung at church a few days later. I could distinctly remember at those moments how "nice " I thought I looked....then to see the pictures......
OH GEEZE do pictures say 1000 words. I could see my arms and the rest of me. How "not nice" I actually was which made me question " I'm I obese?"
Well I went to Cameron and said the dreaded words NO PERSON ever wants to hear from people they care about. I said, "If I ask you something will you tell me the truth no matter how much you think it may hurt my feelings, because I need to know?"
He had the "oh shit" look on his face and said, "Yes"
I asked my dreaded question, "Am I obese?"
He paused then answered "Yes" but then reassured me that he love me no matter how I look....it is Lorna he loves, not Lorna's body....(although we does and has a favorite part or two ....TEE-HEE)
I love him for that...and so many other reasons ....... I can always trust him to be there for me when I needed him ................and I needed him to be there with the truth.
How many men would give you the honest answer like that even knowing it is something you need to hear, but do not want to know,...but have to know..
Well I thought about the obese thing for most of Sunday. When I got home and Cameron went to bed I then I looked online to see what the categories are for weight for over weight, obese, and morbidly obese
I have always known how many pounds overweight I am, and NOW I'm finally able to do something about it, with all of all my surgeries and procedures being done and over with, as well as being given the okay to go back to full activities. ( I was okayed before , but then my stomach was hurting and I had to get a hematomin drained .... that was the last procedure I had done). I always looked at myself as "chubby", "big", "chunky"," over weight" but never obese.
Now I know I am 110 lbs. over weight, that hasn't change ( it will but it hasn't yet ..really I was only give the okay a couple weeks ago....so it wouldn't have) in fact I weight less now than I did when I was married... but again I never thought of myself as "obese" ...just overweight.......
My BMI ( body mass index is 40.8) it should be between 18-25 UGH....but it was 44.6 when I got married, I managed to get it down to 34.3 before all the surgeries started, but because of not being ALLOWED/able to work out I packed 30 lbs back on....gggrrrrrrrr.
I will do it again...I have to... I can not stand the sight of myself.....
That and I KNOW what I need to do.
However I am writing this blog to vent the emotions that I have been going over the last few days....I have been incredibly weepy, it isn't easy to admit morbid obesity to yourself. Even thought (and Cameron pointed this out) I haven't gained anything since before I knew...so what has changed ...just the wording really I have always had to loose 110 lbs. and I knew this..so why am I so incredibly upset about it now??
I realize it is the shame that goes hand in hand with the word...and the guilt, even though the 30lbs (out of the 60 lost) I gained back was not fully my fault. I wasn't able/allowed to do activity for a long time...but I did keep half of it off still..I concede that I still could have made better eating choices though. But over all that is a good thing.
It is hard it is one of the major things we need to live and it can kill us too...ugh....I feel guilty because of being obese my anxiety disorder was unbearable (BEFORE I almost died with the infection in the hospital) It was based from me being fat.
I felt that I was too fat to be seen, I didn't want to run into old b/f, or friends...because I could hear the "Oh I saw Lorna the other day and she is HUGE and fat...she has really let herself go" and I felt that the world shouldn't have to be punished by having to look at my disgusting body. I put myself and the people I care about through hell....and it was hell...everyday afraid to go out and bee seen by people I know, including extended family....The near death hospital thing really put the time I was wasting into perspective.....but not the weight part.
I am a morbidly obese woman. I am at risk of at LEAST a dozen serious health issues, and at least that many minor ones, which is worse than the ones for just obese, and the same for overweight... The only person who can do anything about it is the person who stares back from the mirror at me....even if I dislike her...she is worth knowing at her best...and she isn't and that HAS to change.
The post was seeming like (as I mulled it over for the last few days) like it was going to be very upsetting, hopeless, and depressing....but after speaking with two very wonderful people in my life at length about it. I realize it isn't a bleak as it was feeling. Since I realized I am morbidly obese I have wanted to run screaming and tearing my flesh from my body like a person who is wearing clothes that are on fire......the most agonizing thing for me right now is I know in order to get to my ultimate goal weight (135lbs) if I did everything absolutely perfect....the healthy rate of weight loss is 2.5 lbs. per week I'm still looking at 11 months........ but that also doesn't include plateaus that can stall your weight loss for a few weeks before you can break through them... but I am burning now! These "burning clothes" are burning me now.. and I want it off..if I loose the weight too rapidly though ,the chance of regaining and gaining extra on top is WAY higher...
I did get some inspiration today in the form of a little red headed German lady .... I do not know exactly how old she is but I know she is a senior... and she knocked on my door today to ask ME if she could come and work out with me because she is feeling motivated to work out and get in better shape......wow...I hope if I need to loose weight when I'm her age I have the guts to do it... it made me feel foolish for being embarrassed to go the gym that all the other mom's from the preschool go to, just because they are all thin.This little German lady said she would like to go with me to that very gym at that very time...so hell if she can do it...I'm foolish to think be apprehensive about it.
Well this post is getting plenty long, I'm sure the rest of you have things you need to do other than read my blog, but thank you for reading it ..I know I can get long winded at times...but I do appreciate all the people who DO take time out of their day to read about my struggles, hopes, memories and joys.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
the final word
Well I was at my follow up apt for the surgeon yesterday. He said that it seems like it was just a hemmatomin...(collection on old blood, like a clot) and that all the trauma ( the popping and wicked pain) I suffered last Weds (9th of may 2007) should be the last of it. The surgeon actually said " Well it looks like you will not need to see me again" having my health is a huge weight off of my shoulders...in every aspect of my life.
I have been wanting to start working out and gain my strength back but terrified to do so due to all the trouble in my abs (which is my worst area in fitness, of course) I was afraid if I did ANYTHING that I would make it worse and land up back in the hospital.......then get bawled out by everybody and their dog for "over doing it".
It is enough to make you scream. I get in trouble and feel lazy for not doing enough, and when I do attempt stuff I get bawled out for that too...damned if I do, and damned if I don't. But now that I have the OKAY from the doctor I should be safe from bawling...I just have to wait for the aggitation from the "popping" to fade off then I'll be good to go.
Then the other day I was given the "just do it" from Cameron with regards to times for going to the gym.....
So now I just have to find out what hours the leisure center has and start trying to get there at LEAST once a week for the first while. I would like to work my way up to 5 days a week eventually...but I'd be happy with three..I do not want to get ahead of myself. I'm aiming for once or twice a week to start...once I can do that continuously then I'll move to the higher ones.
Ideally I'd like to be up to 5 days a week by the time Nigel starts kindergarten. I figure I can do my work out when he is in school...therefore not having to worry about childcare.
I have been having trouble going to the Cheam center due to all the other mom's in Nigel's preschool all go there. They are all REALLY in shape ..which intimidates me more than I'd like it to.
I feel like if I went and was working out in front of them. The second I wasn't around they would talk about how stupid and fat I look on the machines and that I should give up because I'm just hopeless.
I know....I know...... how narcissistic of me to think they would have nothing better to talk about other than ME...
That is how that evil bugger in my head operates.....he takes what is my worst fear and plays on it......and my worst fear is "looking stupid", and "pathetic". Not to be confused with fear of looking foolish ..I can deal with that. I do goofy things all the time, and usually land up injured in the process. I can also deal with being embarrassed, because I have pulled a bonehead move or two in my time..and it has built a tolerance for embarrassment. (as earlier blog entries in my OLD blog indicate) it is a different look that I'm afraid of.
You know the look......the kind of look the lady who is 45+ years old, dressed in her "sexy" clothes that are 2-3 sizes too small, but she mushes herself into them anyhow. which makes her look like a stringed roast. While being way too drunk and dirty dancing on the dance floor ALONE.....when there isn't anybody on the dance floor at all......THAT kind of pathetic look.
I NEVER want to be so delusional that I'm THAT woman.....thinking you are being totally hot and sexy , meanwhile everybody is shaking their heads and laughing at you.
That is what much of my social anxieties stem from....especially as I age. I'm afraid to go dancing with my own husband because I do not want to look like "that woman".
I'm afraid to dance at all..... I used to be a very good at dancing (at least that is what many different people would tell me), and I dearly LOVE to dance.
It also makes me afraid to employ the more fun flirty sexual aspects of my personality. Which I fear, is making me a dud.
So if I get a better body and I'm more happy with my physical form then I would feel more comfortable....maybe get those parts of my personality back.
As I am now I do not feel comfortable in my own skin. For me to move around it feels like I am wearing two or three snowsuits at all times, which would make anybody feel awkward.
The last time I felt remotely comfortable in my skin was when Cameron and I had just met and started dating.
I weighted 150lbs back then, since then it has been a mostly a climb in weight, with the odd dips here and there. I have not been able to get back to my "happy" weight and I do not know why.......
I have lost huge amounts I lost 60 lbs at one point but after the last set of surgeries I gained a bunch back because I wasn't ALLOWED to do anything, but I still had to eat and get my iron levels out of blood transfusion range... food+lack of movement= FAT............. JOY.............and since it was my abdomen EVERY pissing movement pulled down there in some way.
I am determined to get healthy, I want to feel the physical strength and confidence I once had.It makes me furious and frustrated that I do not have that. I know I am strong I still have a great deal of strength, but I do not look like I do......and THAT bothers me.
It is like being incredibly smart ....brilliant....but having ZERO way to communicate it in ANY way so everybody treats you like a moron....talking slowly to you and using very simple words......When if you could communicate to them you could talk to them in 7 different languages....... That is the level of frustration I'm feeling.
I have resolved to do this. Now I'm healthy once the twinges and tinglyness on the "popping" goes away, I have no more excuses there ARE no more excuses. I have to take it and show everybody that I'm not just talk, that I mean what I say.
I will be better looking at 40 than I was at 30 and damn proud of it too.
I am resolute to take my life back! As well as prove the doubters WRONG. I know there are doubters too....but I'll use them to get the motivation during the more trying times, I'll let their negativity be my strength. I'm dropping the gloves and letting "fat Lorna" have it.
I have been wanting to start working out and gain my strength back but terrified to do so due to all the trouble in my abs (which is my worst area in fitness, of course) I was afraid if I did ANYTHING that I would make it worse and land up back in the hospital.......then get bawled out by everybody and their dog for "over doing it".
It is enough to make you scream. I get in trouble and feel lazy for not doing enough, and when I do attempt stuff I get bawled out for that too...damned if I do, and damned if I don't. But now that I have the OKAY from the doctor I should be safe from bawling...I just have to wait for the aggitation from the "popping" to fade off then I'll be good to go.
Then the other day I was given the "just do it" from Cameron with regards to times for going to the gym.....
So now I just have to find out what hours the leisure center has and start trying to get there at LEAST once a week for the first while. I would like to work my way up to 5 days a week eventually...but I'd be happy with three..I do not want to get ahead of myself. I'm aiming for once or twice a week to start...once I can do that continuously then I'll move to the higher ones.
Ideally I'd like to be up to 5 days a week by the time Nigel starts kindergarten. I figure I can do my work out when he is in school...therefore not having to worry about childcare.
I have been having trouble going to the Cheam center due to all the other mom's in Nigel's preschool all go there. They are all REALLY in shape ..which intimidates me more than I'd like it to.
I feel like if I went and was working out in front of them. The second I wasn't around they would talk about how stupid and fat I look on the machines and that I should give up because I'm just hopeless.
I know....I know...... how narcissistic of me to think they would have nothing better to talk about other than ME...
That is how that evil bugger in my head operates.....he takes what is my worst fear and plays on it......and my worst fear is "looking stupid", and "pathetic". Not to be confused with fear of looking foolish ..I can deal with that. I do goofy things all the time, and usually land up injured in the process. I can also deal with being embarrassed, because I have pulled a bonehead move or two in my time..and it has built a tolerance for embarrassment. (as earlier blog entries in my OLD blog indicate) it is a different look that I'm afraid of.
You know the look......the kind of look the lady who is 45+ years old, dressed in her "sexy" clothes that are 2-3 sizes too small, but she mushes herself into them anyhow. which makes her look like a stringed roast. While being way too drunk and dirty dancing on the dance floor ALONE.....when there isn't anybody on the dance floor at all......THAT kind of pathetic look.
I NEVER want to be so delusional that I'm THAT woman.....thinking you are being totally hot and sexy , meanwhile everybody is shaking their heads and laughing at you.
That is what much of my social anxieties stem from....especially as I age. I'm afraid to go dancing with my own husband because I do not want to look like "that woman".
I'm afraid to dance at all..... I used to be a very good at dancing (at least that is what many different people would tell me), and I dearly LOVE to dance.
It also makes me afraid to employ the more fun flirty sexual aspects of my personality. Which I fear, is making me a dud.
So if I get a better body and I'm more happy with my physical form then I would feel more comfortable....maybe get those parts of my personality back.
As I am now I do not feel comfortable in my own skin. For me to move around it feels like I am wearing two or three snowsuits at all times, which would make anybody feel awkward.
The last time I felt remotely comfortable in my skin was when Cameron and I had just met and started dating.
I weighted 150lbs back then, since then it has been a mostly a climb in weight, with the odd dips here and there. I have not been able to get back to my "happy" weight and I do not know why.......
I have lost huge amounts I lost 60 lbs at one point but after the last set of surgeries I gained a bunch back because I wasn't ALLOWED to do anything, but I still had to eat and get my iron levels out of blood transfusion range... food+lack of movement= FAT............. JOY.............and since it was my abdomen EVERY pissing movement pulled down there in some way.
I am determined to get healthy, I want to feel the physical strength and confidence I once had.It makes me furious and frustrated that I do not have that. I know I am strong I still have a great deal of strength, but I do not look like I do......and THAT bothers me.
It is like being incredibly smart ....brilliant....but having ZERO way to communicate it in ANY way so everybody treats you like a moron....talking slowly to you and using very simple words......When if you could communicate to them you could talk to them in 7 different languages....... That is the level of frustration I'm feeling.
I have resolved to do this. Now I'm healthy once the twinges and tinglyness on the "popping" goes away, I have no more excuses there ARE no more excuses. I have to take it and show everybody that I'm not just talk, that I mean what I say.
I will be better looking at 40 than I was at 30 and damn proud of it too.
I am resolute to take my life back! As well as prove the doubters WRONG. I know there are doubters too....but I'll use them to get the motivation during the more trying times, I'll let their negativity be my strength. I'm dropping the gloves and letting "fat Lorna" have it.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Where is credit deserved?
Have you ever had something that completely alters how you look at everything, life, death, time, things of importance?
I had one. I spent 20 days in the hospital not knowing if I was going to live or die....over those 20 days I had more than enough time to think. I missed Christmas day, and New Years Eve.
I tell you I sat there in the hospital room frustrated and upset crying so hard they would medicate me just for a moments peace.....I do not blame them....I would have medicated the hell outta me too...
I was frustrated, because the "doctor was on holiday" and other tech people were on "holiday" which left me having nothing done. No answers, with a fever, not eating (because the mere thought of food made me wretch), no reprieve from the sweats and the chills, with my complexion utterly gray.
I looked dead. With 3 liters of Staph infection fluid in your gut you would too.
They didn't have my favorite channels (Teletoon and Space) on the TV that cost 11$ a day to have so IN between "what not to wear", " Holmes on homes", and "Extreme home makeovers" I had too much time to reflect on my life. How I treat people, all the time I was wasting due to my anxiety disorder and clinical depression, not being under control. The first thing I did after I got home was talk to my doctor about getting in to see mental health. I wanted to get more out of myself, so I could get more out of life. To be able to be the independent person I am.
I used to be terrified to do the simplest things, to drive my car, talk to somebody I didn't know. I used to not get very much enjoyment from anybody around me, or any activities. I used to stay in the house and hide behind my computer, hating myself more and more each day.
Since Jan 2006? How have I changed?
- I have a few hobbies ( drawing, sewing, beading, scribing, scroll painting)
-quite a few friends I hang out with regularly
-I drive places I'm NOT 100% familiar with without anxiety attacks.
- I wear some makeup almost everyday
-I dress nicer
- I try to get in on conversations with people I'm not familiar with in a social scene.
-I speak my mind more even when it is something the person I'm speaking too doesn't want to hear
-I do not punk out from social events like I used to because of my anxiety disorder
- have taken up archery
-I am more outgoing, not an extrovert, but I'm not hiding in a corner anymore either.
-I started to support Cameron in his hobby/work (it started as a hobby but became a second job) by going to the social gatherings they have, by chatting with his friends, and go out of my way to make/get things for their kids, cooking for them, doing the photo albums, scanning various documents, not getting angry when he has things on weekends, not being upset or afraid when it calls him away for week 2-10 days, helping him think of way that the other spouses might be included.
-taking more time to play with my kids
- taking them to field trips (I had anxiety attacks for the first few Nigel had to go to, so I'd missed them)
-arranging playdates for the kids
-trying to become a better listener and a more effective communicator.
-going to weight watchers, even thought I was terrified
-doing the things it will take for me to like myself.
-I am in better control of my emotions, even when I get upset ( not 100% but better than It was)
Family and friends have said I have done a complete 180 degree turn from what I used to be.
However, I seem to still have obstacles to face. The biggest one is due to the mistrust of others to believe that I have changed, and that I have no inclination to return to the way I was before....
Before I was sitting on the sidelines watching everybody else go through and enjoy life, so I was despising and envying them for it.
Yes I still have feelings. I will not be happy about everything that happens and I will say as much.
For example: if there is an event that Cam has the same day I have something I want to do, which means I can't do my thing ( he gets paid for his as I said it is a second job), yes I'm going to be annoyed, yes I'm going to be disappointment.........I may even mention it now and again.........am I not entitled to express SOME of my feelings?
Am I going to get so upset that I cry, or guilt trip, or yell, and nag him till he is at wits end?
NO not like I used to.
I never liked being that person....I am liking the person I'm becoming (becasue I'm always a work in progress we all are)
I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I know I'm far from perfect, but sometimes I feel that all the HUGE steps I've made over the last year have been forgotten.
Many people would take years to get to were I am now, from were I started....I have done it in a little over a year.
I do not expect a parade. I just wish people would believe that "the other shoe is not going to fall" and have me revert back to the way I was, not after all of this work.... and it is work....every single day.
Sometimes it seems like the amount of effort and courage it took to admit I had issues, let alone go and get help, and TAKE that help for it is completely disregarded.
There are people who have all kinds of issuses that they NEVER get any help with.....because they think they can handle it....... when truth be known they are making everybody around them crazy.
Yes I changed my life for me, but I also did it for the people I love.
I just wish there was a way I could make people understand, but I can't.....
All I can do is to keep doing what I'm doing....and hope they see.
I had one. I spent 20 days in the hospital not knowing if I was going to live or die....over those 20 days I had more than enough time to think. I missed Christmas day, and New Years Eve.
I tell you I sat there in the hospital room frustrated and upset crying so hard they would medicate me just for a moments peace.....I do not blame them....I would have medicated the hell outta me too...
I was frustrated, because the "doctor was on holiday" and other tech people were on "holiday" which left me having nothing done. No answers, with a fever, not eating (because the mere thought of food made me wretch), no reprieve from the sweats and the chills, with my complexion utterly gray.
I looked dead. With 3 liters of Staph infection fluid in your gut you would too.
They didn't have my favorite channels (Teletoon and Space) on the TV that cost 11$ a day to have so IN between "what not to wear", " Holmes on homes", and "Extreme home makeovers" I had too much time to reflect on my life. How I treat people, all the time I was wasting due to my anxiety disorder and clinical depression, not being under control. The first thing I did after I got home was talk to my doctor about getting in to see mental health. I wanted to get more out of myself, so I could get more out of life. To be able to be the independent person I am.
I used to be terrified to do the simplest things, to drive my car, talk to somebody I didn't know. I used to not get very much enjoyment from anybody around me, or any activities. I used to stay in the house and hide behind my computer, hating myself more and more each day.
Since Jan 2006? How have I changed?
- I have a few hobbies ( drawing, sewing, beading, scribing, scroll painting)
-quite a few friends I hang out with regularly
-I drive places I'm NOT 100% familiar with without anxiety attacks.
- I wear some makeup almost everyday
-I dress nicer
- I try to get in on conversations with people I'm not familiar with in a social scene.
-I speak my mind more even when it is something the person I'm speaking too doesn't want to hear
-I do not punk out from social events like I used to because of my anxiety disorder
- have taken up archery
-I am more outgoing, not an extrovert, but I'm not hiding in a corner anymore either.
-I started to support Cameron in his hobby/work (it started as a hobby but became a second job) by going to the social gatherings they have, by chatting with his friends, and go out of my way to make/get things for their kids, cooking for them, doing the photo albums, scanning various documents, not getting angry when he has things on weekends, not being upset or afraid when it calls him away for week 2-10 days, helping him think of way that the other spouses might be included.
-taking more time to play with my kids
- taking them to field trips (I had anxiety attacks for the first few Nigel had to go to, so I'd missed them)
-arranging playdates for the kids
-trying to become a better listener and a more effective communicator.
-going to weight watchers, even thought I was terrified
-doing the things it will take for me to like myself.
-I am in better control of my emotions, even when I get upset ( not 100% but better than It was)
Family and friends have said I have done a complete 180 degree turn from what I used to be.
However, I seem to still have obstacles to face. The biggest one is due to the mistrust of others to believe that I have changed, and that I have no inclination to return to the way I was before....
Before I was sitting on the sidelines watching everybody else go through and enjoy life, so I was despising and envying them for it.
Yes I still have feelings. I will not be happy about everything that happens and I will say as much.
For example: if there is an event that Cam has the same day I have something I want to do, which means I can't do my thing ( he gets paid for his as I said it is a second job), yes I'm going to be annoyed, yes I'm going to be disappointment.........I may even mention it now and again.........am I not entitled to express SOME of my feelings?
Am I going to get so upset that I cry, or guilt trip, or yell, and nag him till he is at wits end?
NO not like I used to.
I never liked being that person....I am liking the person I'm becoming (becasue I'm always a work in progress we all are)
I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I know I'm far from perfect, but sometimes I feel that all the HUGE steps I've made over the last year have been forgotten.
Many people would take years to get to were I am now, from were I started....I have done it in a little over a year.
I do not expect a parade. I just wish people would believe that "the other shoe is not going to fall" and have me revert back to the way I was, not after all of this work.... and it is work....every single day.
Sometimes it seems like the amount of effort and courage it took to admit I had issues, let alone go and get help, and TAKE that help for it is completely disregarded.
There are people who have all kinds of issuses that they NEVER get any help with.....because they think they can handle it....... when truth be known they are making everybody around them crazy.
Yes I changed my life for me, but I also did it for the people I love.
I just wish there was a way I could make people understand, but I can't.....
All I can do is to keep doing what I'm doing....and hope they see.
Monday, May 7, 2007
LESS of MEEEE
Yippee!
I had a good week doing the weight watchers. Last week TOTALLY sucked I had gained all the weight back that I had lost the first 2 weeks PLUS .2 of a pound.... GRRRRRRR
But this week I got on the scale and I lost 7.4 pounds this week making the total lost 7.2 pounds over all, apparently week 3 is always the best one.
YIPPEE!!!
now I just have to remember not to get complacent, the hardest part is remembering to write everything down. I always forget to do it when I'm out and I'm not home...I get embarrassed to have to pull out a book because I need to track what I eat because I am fat.
I know nobody would say anything but my evil imagination says it for them....My evil brain tells me that they are thinking horrible things like "look at her she is trying another stupid thing to loose weight and we all know she is too weak to do it"
but I will stop talking about that stuff, because the more I think on it the more power I give that little put-down, self esteem eating monster.
I'm going to try my best to get some more weight off this upcoming week, but 7.4 in a week is NOT a typical amount so if I go up a little or only loose a little I will not freak out.... at least that is what I'm telling myself today.
I had a good week doing the weight watchers. Last week TOTALLY sucked I had gained all the weight back that I had lost the first 2 weeks PLUS .2 of a pound.... GRRRRRRR
But this week I got on the scale and I lost 7.4 pounds this week making the total lost 7.2 pounds over all, apparently week 3 is always the best one.
YIPPEE!!!
now I just have to remember not to get complacent, the hardest part is remembering to write everything down. I always forget to do it when I'm out and I'm not home...I get embarrassed to have to pull out a book because I need to track what I eat because I am fat.
I know nobody would say anything but my evil imagination says it for them....My evil brain tells me that they are thinking horrible things like "look at her she is trying another stupid thing to loose weight and we all know she is too weak to do it"
but I will stop talking about that stuff, because the more I think on it the more power I give that little put-down, self esteem eating monster.
I'm going to try my best to get some more weight off this upcoming week, but 7.4 in a week is NOT a typical amount so if I go up a little or only loose a little I will not freak out.... at least that is what I'm telling myself today.
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