Well today I am sooo frustrated it isn't even funny.
I got a new job 2 weeks ago, I will not mention where as I do not want to have people think ill of that company due to my venting.
I did my training days and was given my uniform. Just before my 1st " on the floor shift" I tried on my uniform ( I wasn't able to try it on earlier due to time constraints), it didn't fit, the pants would not do up and the shirt have gaps between the buttons due to pulling.
I looked at the size, it was 2 sizes smaller than what was suppose to have been ordered. UGH! So I put on the shirt with a bra that made the gaps pretty much unnoticeable..and a pair of black dress pants. The uniform should have dark brown pants, but I thought I might be able to get to work, just until I get replacement parts.
So off to work I went.
I get there. The manager had not noticed I wasn't wearing the correct pants until I said " oh by the way the pants didn't fit" she took a double look at the pants I had on and said "sorry but you can't work in those you will need to go home"
So i missed out on the 4 hours I was scheduled for that day, and the 4 for the next day.
GREAT just what somebody who has been out of work for 4 months needs ..no income!
Then I was told we will call you when it comes it, and I'll let you know what your schedule is"
She finally calls me back.. okay the uniform should be there on Tuesday and you work Weds, Thurs and Friday, and Sunday.
I called yesterday to see in the uniform showed up, still no uniform...I was told that the person who delivers them would be there today (weds) Well I get to work today....NO UNIFORM!!! they where going to send me home again when I suggested finishing off the training vids I had not gotten to yet.
I was hoping in that time my uniform would arrive and then I could finish out my shift. Well no such luck. My 8 hour day was only a 2 hour day and I have no idea if I'll be working tomorrow or not.
I'm suppose to "get a phone call today" to let me know. So I will be loosing even MORE time I can NOT afford to loose.
I am sooo frustrated.
I offered to go and get the uniform from where ever it is but they said it is from out of town and I couldn't.
I am at wits end!!! I am ready to scream!!!
Oh and to top that off I MAY be making a dollar less than I thought I'd be making.... OOOOOH AWESOME!
I feel like the harder I try, the harder I get booted down. I'm just going to stop trying at this rate.
Showing posts with label Update. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Update. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Did He?
Well on Sunday. I had some very strange signs… I guess they are signs...I do not know I’ll just sound crazy to everybody..... So I’ll just tell you what happened.
After months of not going to church, something in my gut had been telling me to go …I had to get there…at the time I do not know why but I knew I just had to go.
While sitting there in the church listening to the sermon about a subject I had been struggling with in my day to day life for the last few months. I realized the very moment I was looking at. The minister …what he was saying word for word… what he was wearing… where he was standing……how he gestured.
I had a dream of him doing and saying those exact things a few days earlier….So much so it was to the point I knew what he was going to say next. It lasted about ten minutes.
I was flabbergasted.
So after crying and listening to the rest of the sermon we left church. We went about our day. I must have looked a wreck… Cameron kept asking me what was wrong. I had told him about the dream. I do not know if he understood how muchit effected me. I have had the odd dream before of dreaming and instance but usually only a few seconds and never THAT clearly, usually more of a "remembering after the fact" instead of realizing while it was still happenng. I am not sure why that had happened and that was partly why I was SOOO moved.
Out to my mom’s to get Nigel. Then out to Cameron’s Mom’s for Sunday supper and Sadie’s b-day cake. After dinner and chatting we headed home.
Now I know I have said I have had epiphanies on the way home from Surrey before, but nothing like this.
As we were driving I was watching the clouds float by…
Then I realized the clouds were looking back.
I turned to Cameron and said “look at that cloud it looks like and EYE.” He agreed and said it was almost creepy how much it looked like and eye.
The first thing I thought of was God; he was watching over me. The cloud eye opened wider then dispersed. Then a little further down the road a different cloud looked like a fish, then the same cloud turned into a whale, then it turned again into an anchor. TALK ABOUT SYMBOLIZM!!!
***********this is what I researched about those symbols copy pasted from the net**************
The eye has been used to symbolize the all-seeing eye of God, and this symbol is still used today.
The fish was an early symbol of Christian faith that endures today on bumper stickers and businesses as a sign of Christian faith.
The fish is thought to have been chosen by the early Christians for several reasons:
the Greek word for fish (ICHTUS), works nicely as an acrostic for "Jesus Christ, God's Son, Savoir"
the fish would not be an obvious Christian symbol to persecutors
Jesus' ministry is associated with fish: he chose several fishermen to be his disciples and declared he would make them "fishers of men."
It is said that during the persecution of the early church, a Christian meeting someone new would draw a single arc in the sand. If the other person was a Christian, he or she would complete the drawing of a fish with a second arc. If the second person was not a Christian, the ambiguity of the half-symbol would not reveal the first person as a Christian.
The whale Jonah, whose three days in the belly of the whale pre-figured the interval between Christ's death and Resurrection.
For most people, dreaming about whales is a pleasant experience. These huge water dwelling mammals may be symbolic of the connection that exists between the unconscious and conscious mind. They may represent the dreamer's level of awareness, perceptiveness, and intuition. Some think that they represent our emotional power or are messengers from the spiritual realms. If the ocean waters were turbulent, and the whale in your dream was unpredictable or on the attack, considers the emotional environment in your every day life. Under such unpleasant dream circumstances, these large animals may represent overwhelming emotional or psychological issue and problem.
For the historical accuracy of Jonah from both our stand-point of faith and hope, is important as it foreshadows Christ’s own death and resurrection. Christ would not have associated the single most important event in our history (his holy resurrection) to a mere fable or fairy tale. If we are to accept the teachings of Jesus Christ, as given to us from the accounts in the Gospels – then we must accept that Jonah, being swallowed by a fish, is historical fact.
Do we serve the Lord by reasoning away His majesty? Do we serve the Lord by diminishing the importance of knowing that the Lord God makes the impossible possible? We need not see the fish to know that our faith in God’s love for us gives us hope.
The anchor is a very early Christian symbol that has been found in the catacombs. It brings together the cross and the various nautical Christian symbols (fish, boat, dolphin), and it symbolizes Christian hope in Christ.
*****************END of net pasting**********************************************
What *I* felt it all means….. Well I can only give you the impressions I first had…when it all happened.
When I saw the eye I thought “I am the I am. Then I saw the eye open and it made me feel like god was telling me he was looking out for me and my family.
Then when I saw the fish it reinforced that it was god trying to talk to me…It also reminded me of sacrifice. Sometimes we have to sacrifice for the greater good.
Then when it turned into the whale I thought of the story of Johan and how there will be times it is hard to follow god, but I should do it anyway.
You know those time when the world says what is the smart thing, but you know it isn’t the right thing… but our world thinks that the smart way *IS* the right way…
Like forgiving somebody who has wronged you.The world would think you a daft by not holding a grudge and stoping them from being in your life anymore.
Then when I saw the whale turn into and anchor it made me feel like he was saying when I follow his way that he would be the anchor for me in trouble waters…He would ground me when the world is turbulent.
Reading the meanings I also feel that it may be some more insight.
I also feel he was trying to tell me my anxiety disorder has been a HUGE stumbling block in me going to church… ”these large animals may represent overwhelming emotional or psychological issue and problem.” I think he was telling me he will be my anchor through the mental turmoil my brain puts me through.
This was quite an emotional day….at least for me. But then again I’m crazy...at least to this world.
After months of not going to church, something in my gut had been telling me to go …I had to get there…at the time I do not know why but I knew I just had to go.
While sitting there in the church listening to the sermon about a subject I had been struggling with in my day to day life for the last few months. I realized the very moment I was looking at. The minister …what he was saying word for word… what he was wearing… where he was standing……how he gestured.
I had a dream of him doing and saying those exact things a few days earlier….So much so it was to the point I knew what he was going to say next. It lasted about ten minutes.
I was flabbergasted.
So after crying and listening to the rest of the sermon we left church. We went about our day. I must have looked a wreck… Cameron kept asking me what was wrong. I had told him about the dream. I do not know if he understood how muchit effected me. I have had the odd dream before of dreaming and instance but usually only a few seconds and never THAT clearly, usually more of a "remembering after the fact" instead of realizing while it was still happenng. I am not sure why that had happened and that was partly why I was SOOO moved.
Out to my mom’s to get Nigel. Then out to Cameron’s Mom’s for Sunday supper and Sadie’s b-day cake. After dinner and chatting we headed home.
Now I know I have said I have had epiphanies on the way home from Surrey before, but nothing like this.
As we were driving I was watching the clouds float by…
Then I realized the clouds were looking back.
I turned to Cameron and said “look at that cloud it looks like and EYE.” He agreed and said it was almost creepy how much it looked like and eye.
The first thing I thought of was God; he was watching over me. The cloud eye opened wider then dispersed. Then a little further down the road a different cloud looked like a fish, then the same cloud turned into a whale, then it turned again into an anchor. TALK ABOUT SYMBOLIZM!!!
***********this is what I researched about those symbols copy pasted from the net**************
The eye has been used to symbolize the all-seeing eye of God, and this symbol is still used today.
The fish was an early symbol of Christian faith that endures today on bumper stickers and businesses as a sign of Christian faith.
The fish is thought to have been chosen by the early Christians for several reasons:
the Greek word for fish (ICHTUS), works nicely as an acrostic for "Jesus Christ, God's Son, Savoir"
the fish would not be an obvious Christian symbol to persecutors
Jesus' ministry is associated with fish: he chose several fishermen to be his disciples and declared he would make them "fishers of men."
It is said that during the persecution of the early church, a Christian meeting someone new would draw a single arc in the sand. If the other person was a Christian, he or she would complete the drawing of a fish with a second arc. If the second person was not a Christian, the ambiguity of the half-symbol would not reveal the first person as a Christian.
The whale Jonah, whose three days in the belly of the whale pre-figured the interval between Christ's death and Resurrection.
For most people, dreaming about whales is a pleasant experience. These huge water dwelling mammals may be symbolic of the connection that exists between the unconscious and conscious mind. They may represent the dreamer's level of awareness, perceptiveness, and intuition. Some think that they represent our emotional power or are messengers from the spiritual realms. If the ocean waters were turbulent, and the whale in your dream was unpredictable or on the attack, considers the emotional environment in your every day life. Under such unpleasant dream circumstances, these large animals may represent overwhelming emotional or psychological issue and problem.
For the historical accuracy of Jonah from both our stand-point of faith and hope, is important as it foreshadows Christ’s own death and resurrection. Christ would not have associated the single most important event in our history (his holy resurrection) to a mere fable or fairy tale. If we are to accept the teachings of Jesus Christ, as given to us from the accounts in the Gospels – then we must accept that Jonah, being swallowed by a fish, is historical fact.
Do we serve the Lord by reasoning away His majesty? Do we serve the Lord by diminishing the importance of knowing that the Lord God makes the impossible possible? We need not see the fish to know that our faith in God’s love for us gives us hope.
The anchor is a very early Christian symbol that has been found in the catacombs. It brings together the cross and the various nautical Christian symbols (fish, boat, dolphin), and it symbolizes Christian hope in Christ.
*****************END of net pasting**********************************************
What *I* felt it all means….. Well I can only give you the impressions I first had…when it all happened.
When I saw the eye I thought “I am the I am. Then I saw the eye open and it made me feel like god was telling me he was looking out for me and my family.
Then when I saw the fish it reinforced that it was god trying to talk to me…It also reminded me of sacrifice. Sometimes we have to sacrifice for the greater good.
Then when it turned into the whale I thought of the story of Johan and how there will be times it is hard to follow god, but I should do it anyway.
You know those time when the world says what is the smart thing, but you know it isn’t the right thing… but our world thinks that the smart way *IS* the right way…
Like forgiving somebody who has wronged you.The world would think you a daft by not holding a grudge and stoping them from being in your life anymore.
Then when I saw the whale turn into and anchor it made me feel like he was saying when I follow his way that he would be the anchor for me in trouble waters…He would ground me when the world is turbulent.
Reading the meanings I also feel that it may be some more insight.
I also feel he was trying to tell me my anxiety disorder has been a HUGE stumbling block in me going to church… ”these large animals may represent overwhelming emotional or psychological issue and problem.” I think he was telling me he will be my anchor through the mental turmoil my brain puts me through.
This was quite an emotional day….at least for me. But then again I’m crazy...at least to this world.
Monday, July 7, 2008
A small update
I have sooo much to say but I can’t because it isn’t all just about me…… just know I have grown and I’ve found a peace in myself and my faith that comforts me in way nothing ever has. So much I didn’t understand makes SOOO much sense now. I wish I could make others understand, but I just sound like a crazy person…so much so I get embarrassed to tell anybody. Imagine how crazy Noah looked, building a boat in a dessert…such a BIG boat, and when people asked him he said “because God told me too” but that is how the epiphany makes me feel…like if I told anybody they would be okay do you have any idea about how strange that sounds….and why would god talk to you? Why would that aspect of your life even make a real difference to god anyhow, it is soo small in the grand scheme of things. So I keep it to myself….hoping those who are close to me understand and do not think I’m a whackadoo.
I have grown a lot. I’m filled with an inner peace. I am also filled with a strange confidence in myself and certainty that was never there before. I will write more as I come up with stuff.
But there is a little teaser for now.
I have grown a lot. I’m filled with an inner peace. I am also filled with a strange confidence in myself and certainty that was never there before. I will write more as I come up with stuff.
But there is a little teaser for now.
Friday, August 31, 2007
What is lost
Well it is looking like the funeral will be held on the 8th of Sept 1:30 pm at our church.
I keep having sudden out bursts of sorrow and weeping, then I'm okay....then I'm crying again. The outbursts mostly happen when I think of things like:
-The fact that over the ten years I knew him, I only got one hug from him ever and that was on my wedding day.
-That I never got to tell him that I loved him...
-When I say something at the house. (the house being Laureen and Jim's place) Something that Jim would have ran with it. Then we would have been going back and forth, either cracking up OR grossing out the others. Now I say something and it gets left behind. There is no laughing......
-How little time my kids and I got with him. How angry I feel when I think of all the time the others had and how some of them wasted it by being petty and small.
-He was the weirdness that made me feel at home at Jim and Laureen's house. Now he is gone......I feel like a weirdo who nobody truly understands now.
-How I'll never get to scratch his back again,(he was kinda like a bear against a tree) and the kids will not get to play with Papa's hair (the kids would play with it and make it stick up in funny ways)
-How I only got to hear maybe a 1/8 (if that)of his funny stories about his life.
-How the kids only got one summer holiday to the cabin with him. How they were really just getting to know him like how the other kids knew him, and how he was just getting to know my kids developing personalites.
-How I never got to tell him how important he was to making me feel like "one of the family". I'm not saying that the others do not make me feel welcome, they do... but Jim made it feel familiar...he was crazy like my mom and her family. I think it is something about both all of them being born on an ISLAND ..I find people who lived on islands sense of humor is way more BENT than the rest of the world.
It is strange even though over at Cameron's mom's house I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me. They are funny people, without Jim there I feel a strange loneliness, I feel like a thumb on the hand... I'm important and I'm suppose to be there, but I'm not like the others....
I could identify with Jim.
Cameron and his mom are quite the similar ...and Jim and I were very much similar..... So when Cameron and I had personality clashes Jim understood in a way nobody else could, because Laureen and him would clash in similar ways....now that understanding is gone.
I feel ripped off.
I feel ripped off for my kids too.
We never got to meet Cameron's grandpa, or grandma, and now to loose Jim. So many of the people who meant so much to my husband while he was growing up and how I never got to know....our kids never got to know.
The thing that make s me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry are those who actually HAD the chance and THREW IT AWAY................for NO GOOD reason....just being petty and small.
They are STILL throwing it away...by not even attempting to make amends with those who are left...
It makes me want to ~~SCREAM~~~ at them....because my kids never got the chance.
I didn't get to see Jim when he was able to move and do as many things as he could before.
The time I got with him he was in pain the whole time. He didn't go out very much because due to the pain he was in. I only got to know "hurting sedate Jim" not "dancing with aunt Darlene at Christmas Jim".
It isn't fair.
I know my pain isn't as bad as Cameron's, or Laureen's. I do not profess it to be...I never would.
I can only speak of what I know and experience.
My kids missed out on my dad, my brother, my grandparents, Cameron's grandparents, and now their Papa. I worry that Nigel is too young to remember him...that as he ages..Jim will fade from his little mind. I worry about Sadie forgetting too, but because she is older I hope that she is old enough to remember some.
There is so much due to death, I never got a chance to know....so much my kids didn't get to know...
It isn't fair.......it just isn't fair
So if you are reading this think about that person(or people) who is(are) special to you, and even if you are mad at them for some silly thing, LET IT GO.... go back and spend time.. even if it is just a coffee every now and again..do it now! Because when it is gone...it is gone forever.
Really, are most of the things people get offended and angry about worth a life time of guilt when they die?? Not likely.
I keep having sudden out bursts of sorrow and weeping, then I'm okay....then I'm crying again. The outbursts mostly happen when I think of things like:
-The fact that over the ten years I knew him, I only got one hug from him ever and that was on my wedding day.
-That I never got to tell him that I loved him...
-When I say something at the house. (the house being Laureen and Jim's place) Something that Jim would have ran with it. Then we would have been going back and forth, either cracking up OR grossing out the others. Now I say something and it gets left behind. There is no laughing......
-How little time my kids and I got with him. How angry I feel when I think of all the time the others had and how some of them wasted it by being petty and small.
-He was the weirdness that made me feel at home at Jim and Laureen's house. Now he is gone......I feel like a weirdo who nobody truly understands now.
-How I'll never get to scratch his back again,(he was kinda like a bear against a tree) and the kids will not get to play with Papa's hair (the kids would play with it and make it stick up in funny ways)
-How I only got to hear maybe a 1/8 (if that)of his funny stories about his life.
-How the kids only got one summer holiday to the cabin with him. How they were really just getting to know him like how the other kids knew him, and how he was just getting to know my kids developing personalites.
-How I never got to tell him how important he was to making me feel like "one of the family". I'm not saying that the others do not make me feel welcome, they do... but Jim made it feel familiar...he was crazy like my mom and her family. I think it is something about both all of them being born on an ISLAND ..I find people who lived on islands sense of humor is way more BENT than the rest of the world.
It is strange even though over at Cameron's mom's house I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me. They are funny people, without Jim there I feel a strange loneliness, I feel like a thumb on the hand... I'm important and I'm suppose to be there, but I'm not like the others....
I could identify with Jim.
Cameron and his mom are quite the similar ...and Jim and I were very much similar..... So when Cameron and I had personality clashes Jim understood in a way nobody else could, because Laureen and him would clash in similar ways....now that understanding is gone.
I feel ripped off.
I feel ripped off for my kids too.
We never got to meet Cameron's grandpa, or grandma, and now to loose Jim. So many of the people who meant so much to my husband while he was growing up and how I never got to know....our kids never got to know.
The thing that make s me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry are those who actually HAD the chance and THREW IT AWAY................for NO GOOD reason....just being petty and small.
They are STILL throwing it away...by not even attempting to make amends with those who are left...
It makes me want to ~~SCREAM~~~ at them....because my kids never got the chance.
I didn't get to see Jim when he was able to move and do as many things as he could before.
The time I got with him he was in pain the whole time. He didn't go out very much because due to the pain he was in. I only got to know "hurting sedate Jim" not "dancing with aunt Darlene at Christmas Jim".
It isn't fair.
I know my pain isn't as bad as Cameron's, or Laureen's. I do not profess it to be...I never would.
I can only speak of what I know and experience.
My kids missed out on my dad, my brother, my grandparents, Cameron's grandparents, and now their Papa. I worry that Nigel is too young to remember him...that as he ages..Jim will fade from his little mind. I worry about Sadie forgetting too, but because she is older I hope that she is old enough to remember some.
There is so much due to death, I never got a chance to know....so much my kids didn't get to know...
It isn't fair.......it just isn't fair
So if you are reading this think about that person(or people) who is(are) special to you, and even if you are mad at them for some silly thing, LET IT GO.... go back and spend time.. even if it is just a coffee every now and again..do it now! Because when it is gone...it is gone forever.
Really, are most of the things people get offended and angry about worth a life time of guilt when they die?? Not likely.
Monday, August 27, 2007
It's over
It is over, He has passed. I got the call from Cameron this evening.
My stomach hurts.
I had just texted messaged Cameron that Sadie had just looked at me and said "You wanna know what I'm thinking?? I'm thinking Papa isn't going to make it"
The first thing Cameron said to me when he called was "Sadie knew , I don't know how she knew, but she knew what was going on"
I asked "It's over" Cam said yes....
the rest of the details do not need to be shared....
I'm having a hard time...I do not want to lie to Sadie, but Cameron doesn't want me to have to deal with them learning about this on my own.
I wish I was with Cameron, I want to be there for him.
Ugh my stomach hurts and my eyes feel like they are BLEEDING from all the crying.
My stomach hurts.
I had just texted messaged Cameron that Sadie had just looked at me and said "You wanna know what I'm thinking?? I'm thinking Papa isn't going to make it"
The first thing Cameron said to me when he called was "Sadie knew , I don't know how she knew, but she knew what was going on"
I asked "It's over" Cam said yes....
the rest of the details do not need to be shared....
I'm having a hard time...I do not want to lie to Sadie, but Cameron doesn't want me to have to deal with them learning about this on my own.
I wish I was with Cameron, I want to be there for him.
Ugh my stomach hurts and my eyes feel like they are BLEEDING from all the crying.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
The inevitable....
Well something I had prayed wouldn't happen to Cameron for a long long long long time seems to be inevitable.
His dad, Jim is in the hospital (out in Kamloops because he was at the cabin when he got ill) it looks like he will not be coming out.
I want to be with Cameron. I want to be able to be sad. I thought I'd have the weekend alone to cry and get it out of my system, so I could be strong for Cameron and the kids, but I got a phone call this morning. It was my brother in-law and he was obviously upset and sounding very frazzled he had been on his way to take his two kids (13 and 16) to say their "good byes" but his youngest didn't want to go, couldn't bare the thought of seeing Papa so sick...so he was on the phone asking me if she could stay with me while I watch the dogs ( 4 dogs a German Shepherd/lab cross, a German Shepherd/blue healer cross, a German Shepherd mix something, and a beagle.) at Jim and Laureen's house
What could I say?? I had to say yes, even thought my heart wanted to be going with them to be with Cameron and to say good bye to Jim.... I know I could have gotten my mom to watch my kids for a few days. but they needed me here...with the youngest family members and the animals.
My nieces parents talked to her on the phone today to tell her "how it was looking" and for at least a half hour she was crying... not a weeping cry...but those hard ones that hurt your insides...It broke my heart all I wanted to do is cry...but *I'M* her support here, I'm her adult..I have to hold it together...I'm not the strong one in the family...but I managed to hold it together a tear or two fell but I didn't make a sound to cry.
I am sitting here in Jim's and Laureen's house almost every memory I have of Jim is HERE. I had to go in his room to look for the steam cleaner (I couldn't find it and one of the dogs peed on the floor UGH) and I opened his bedroom door and I was hit in the face with a brick of Jim's scent, now the smell as been lingering with me... following me around the house all day, and I can't be gone from the house because couple of the dogs will fight each other if not monitored (2 live here with Jim and Laureen and the other two live with Carolynn and Steve.) so I can't even run away from it, even for a while.
Cameron keeps asking me "How am I doing" but I can't tell him how I'm doing because no matter how bad I'm doing I know he is doing ten times worse (at least).
I never got to say "good bye to my dad, grandma, or Trevor.....but I also didn't have to see them die either...or see them afraid...So however "bad" I'm doing I will do my damnest not to let it show, especially since I'll probably have to be the one who explains it to our children (5 and 7 yrs). They know what death is, because of my dad and my brother ....they know it is forever.
I just feel horrible that they didn't get to know Jim better they only got one summer holiday to the cabin with them, Nigel only got 4 Xmases with him and Sadie only got 6 ... It is breaking my heart and to think about how lonely Laureen will be.. and how hard it is for me being here in their house how much more hard it will be for her....
I do not know if we even go a picture of Jim with our kids. other than the one where he is holding Sadie when she was first born.
I keep praying for a miracle. Some wondrous thing that will make this a happy ending, but every time I get updated on him, it isn't any better..
So I have to milk the most I can out of the smallest good things, like the woman who was sharing the hospital room with Jim offered her home to Cameron's family while they stayed in Kamloops, and that his brother made it up and patched things up with Jim and Jim responded to him (he hasn't been responding much because of being so ill)just so I do not completely break down.
All I want to do is call Cameron and hear his voice, but he needs his rest and I need to rest too. I have to talk to Emery tomorrow (our minister about possible funeral type stuff) I don't think I'm able to. But I have to.
I should sleep. I have no idea when I'm going home I need to get my keys out there so my cats can be fed. I figured I'd be home tomorrow, but now I'm unsure.
Last night I MAYBE got an hour sleep because of weird sensations I was having. The first one was what felt like a warm/hot breath on my neck (nobody in the room BTW) then another was something jarring the bed, then a ice cold chill, I almost felt like I was being tormented by ghosts all night long. I finally gave up on sleeping at 6 am (I had gone to bed a 2 am)
On top of that I had an interview today for a job.I swear I must have welts on my stomach from pinching myself so I wouldn't tear up or cry during the interview when I had to tell him about what was going on..in order to book my start date.
Lord give me strenght, and let me rest tonight. let everybody rest tonight.
His dad, Jim is in the hospital (out in Kamloops because he was at the cabin when he got ill) it looks like he will not be coming out.
I want to be with Cameron. I want to be able to be sad. I thought I'd have the weekend alone to cry and get it out of my system, so I could be strong for Cameron and the kids, but I got a phone call this morning. It was my brother in-law and he was obviously upset and sounding very frazzled he had been on his way to take his two kids (13 and 16) to say their "good byes" but his youngest didn't want to go, couldn't bare the thought of seeing Papa so sick...so he was on the phone asking me if she could stay with me while I watch the dogs ( 4 dogs a German Shepherd/lab cross, a German Shepherd/blue healer cross, a German Shepherd mix something, and a beagle.) at Jim and Laureen's house
What could I say?? I had to say yes, even thought my heart wanted to be going with them to be with Cameron and to say good bye to Jim.... I know I could have gotten my mom to watch my kids for a few days. but they needed me here...with the youngest family members and the animals.
My nieces parents talked to her on the phone today to tell her "how it was looking" and for at least a half hour she was crying... not a weeping cry...but those hard ones that hurt your insides...It broke my heart all I wanted to do is cry...but *I'M* her support here, I'm her adult..I have to hold it together...I'm not the strong one in the family...but I managed to hold it together a tear or two fell but I didn't make a sound to cry.
I am sitting here in Jim's and Laureen's house almost every memory I have of Jim is HERE. I had to go in his room to look for the steam cleaner (I couldn't find it and one of the dogs peed on the floor UGH) and I opened his bedroom door and I was hit in the face with a brick of Jim's scent, now the smell as been lingering with me... following me around the house all day, and I can't be gone from the house because couple of the dogs will fight each other if not monitored (2 live here with Jim and Laureen and the other two live with Carolynn and Steve.) so I can't even run away from it, even for a while.
Cameron keeps asking me "How am I doing" but I can't tell him how I'm doing because no matter how bad I'm doing I know he is doing ten times worse (at least).
I never got to say "good bye to my dad, grandma, or Trevor.....but I also didn't have to see them die either...or see them afraid...So however "bad" I'm doing I will do my damnest not to let it show, especially since I'll probably have to be the one who explains it to our children (5 and 7 yrs). They know what death is, because of my dad and my brother ....they know it is forever.
I just feel horrible that they didn't get to know Jim better they only got one summer holiday to the cabin with them, Nigel only got 4 Xmases with him and Sadie only got 6 ... It is breaking my heart and to think about how lonely Laureen will be.. and how hard it is for me being here in their house how much more hard it will be for her....
I do not know if we even go a picture of Jim with our kids. other than the one where he is holding Sadie when she was first born.
I keep praying for a miracle. Some wondrous thing that will make this a happy ending, but every time I get updated on him, it isn't any better..
So I have to milk the most I can out of the smallest good things, like the woman who was sharing the hospital room with Jim offered her home to Cameron's family while they stayed in Kamloops, and that his brother made it up and patched things up with Jim and Jim responded to him (he hasn't been responding much because of being so ill)just so I do not completely break down.
All I want to do is call Cameron and hear his voice, but he needs his rest and I need to rest too. I have to talk to Emery tomorrow (our minister about possible funeral type stuff) I don't think I'm able to. But I have to.
I should sleep. I have no idea when I'm going home I need to get my keys out there so my cats can be fed. I figured I'd be home tomorrow, but now I'm unsure.
Last night I MAYBE got an hour sleep because of weird sensations I was having. The first one was what felt like a warm/hot breath on my neck (nobody in the room BTW) then another was something jarring the bed, then a ice cold chill, I almost felt like I was being tormented by ghosts all night long. I finally gave up on sleeping at 6 am (I had gone to bed a 2 am)
On top of that I had an interview today for a job.I swear I must have welts on my stomach from pinching myself so I wouldn't tear up or cry during the interview when I had to tell him about what was going on..in order to book my start date.
Lord give me strenght, and let me rest tonight. let everybody rest tonight.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Can't wait until next year
WOW did I have fun at Clinton wars!!!
There was lots of dirty bad fun, and really only I know EXACTLY how dirty or bad I was.
Well Cameron and I know...........I told him everything and anything *I* did, however not everything that people may have done near me. " WHAT HAPPENS IN CLINTON STAYS AT CLINTON!!! " ( As I hear a sigh of relief from those who were DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY monkeys and are reading this MUHAHAHAHA)
What can I say I haven't had THAT much fun since I was a single piss tank living to be a "weekend warrior".
I'M STILL A WARRIOR!!!!
However instead of a weekend one.... I will be an "at least a yearly warrior" for sure.... I am just hoping that I can get to next year's Clinton... but I'm sure if I talk to my family NOW we can make it happen for THEN.
I had quite a few funny things happen on my holiday....all must be told in person...one was "the bra thrust story" you'll laugh , you'll cry ... you'll wonder how I can been seen in public with my head up :)
Jamison (Cameron), Elspeth (Mellissa), Aine ( danni) and myself (my SCA name Constance) are all in a Order we invented for shits and giggles.
We are the "order of the dirty dirty dirty" which we call "ODD D" were we have the honor of awarding people with necklaces for various "deeds" some are as follows:
The H Factor necklace- ( this is for when you see something HOT) it is a necklace of beads green, white, and/or silver, with an accent bead(s) in the middle of the front for this one it is two orange and yellow beads (orange pointed in towards each other) with a hot red bead in the middle.
The Nocturnal Noises- this one if for if you hear somebody getting frisky in the wee smalls of the night. It is denoted by a it is a necklace of beads green, white, and/or silver, with an accent bead(s) in the middle of the front either is two black beads with either a blue (for males) or a Red (for female) mind you the one we handed out THIS weekend had a red bead on either side and three black beads in the middle... but we realized that would not be as effective as doing it the other way
There are a few others that there are, but since I do not have the list, so it is hard for me to write it all down.. However I AM trying to get to a point.. each of us members have our own "favor" necklace. This is a necklace that has a bead of our choice (our favorite bead that speaks of our personality or just our favorite colour, mine is a cobalt blue glass bead) This necklace is given out to the person or people who just "made your event" it doesn't have to be in a dirty way either.
This weekend I gave out my "favor necklace" to somebody who helped make me feel like I was finally "IN" with the WHOLE shire....made me feel like I was actually part of the entire shire and not a by stander. This person would wait for me when I straggled, call me by my name, include me in the "we are all freezing our butts off huddle by the fire", and made sure that when we spoke in a circle of people that other people were not putting themselves between me and the group thereby isolating me. (having their back to me basically cutting me off from the group, which happened ALLOT last year..not intentionally but it did)
There are very prominent key people in the shire .. I guess it would be the equivalent to "the cool popular kids" from highschool. They are the people who have been around for a long long time....
Well I was accepted by most of the "cool kids" fairly easily since I started playing. There was a certain group of people that have always been very well respected, however they rarely if ever spoke to me....which made me feel awkward especially in a group if I said something and they didn't respond at all.
This Clinton that changed... I went from last year feeling like a shadow following a couple of people, just hoping to be introduced and NOT forgotten (which most of the times the introductions never happened...and I felt even more forgotten..and more like a shadow). to this year feeling like an independent social butterfly.
This year was SO different I was able to walk around and find people on my own. I didn't need to be "following" anybody (for lack of not knowing where to go or what to do). I didn't have to stay GLUED to the people I came with (if I didn't feel like doing whatever it was that they were doing). I even got HUGS!! I got spoken too, repeatedly...and I was able to be more myself around everybody and not utterly paralyzed from fear of doing "the wrong thing". A big part of this I feel was that special somebody who took the extra time and effort to include me even though they didn't know me very well. Again thank you. ** HUGS**
Before any of the other people that I dearly care for in the SCA get there nose out of joint. This post IS NOT intended to make how you guys make me feel any less valuable if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have had the courage to have even gone to Clinton last year..and I thank you guys for that, and for the support and friendship that you have shown me.
This Clinton was the closest I have gotten to "the real me" the before my "anxiety disorder Lorna" I have been in a long long time...I do not know why I became so afraid....it SO isn't me.
This last weekend has given me a new energy and confidence back that I used to have. It made me feel powerful. I LIKE THAT FEELING!!!
I am thinking if I get enough courage that I MAY take up a fighting style ( heavy or rapier) which one...I haven't decided yet. I have no clue which I would be any good at, if any. I wish there was a way I could be tested without having to foot the bill for the gear first.
if next Clinton is anything like this Clinton I'm going to have a hard time waiting an entire year!
There was lots of dirty bad fun, and really only I know EXACTLY how dirty or bad I was.
Well Cameron and I know...........I told him everything and anything *I* did, however not everything that people may have done near me. " WHAT HAPPENS IN CLINTON STAYS AT CLINTON!!! " ( As I hear a sigh of relief from those who were DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY monkeys and are reading this MUHAHAHAHA)
What can I say I haven't had THAT much fun since I was a single piss tank living to be a "weekend warrior".
I'M STILL A WARRIOR!!!!
However instead of a weekend one.... I will be an "at least a yearly warrior" for sure.... I am just hoping that I can get to next year's Clinton... but I'm sure if I talk to my family NOW we can make it happen for THEN.
I had quite a few funny things happen on my holiday....all must be told in person...one was "the bra thrust story" you'll laugh , you'll cry ... you'll wonder how I can been seen in public with my head up :)
Jamison (Cameron), Elspeth (Mellissa), Aine ( danni) and myself (my SCA name Constance) are all in a Order we invented for shits and giggles.
We are the "order of the dirty dirty dirty" which we call "ODD D" were we have the honor of awarding people with necklaces for various "deeds" some are as follows:
The H Factor necklace- ( this is for when you see something HOT) it is a necklace of beads green, white, and/or silver, with an accent bead(s) in the middle of the front for this one it is two orange and yellow beads (orange pointed in towards each other) with a hot red bead in the middle.
The Nocturnal Noises- this one if for if you hear somebody getting frisky in the wee smalls of the night. It is denoted by a it is a necklace of beads green, white, and/or silver, with an accent bead(s) in the middle of the front either is two black beads with either a blue (for males) or a Red (for female) mind you the one we handed out THIS weekend had a red bead on either side and three black beads in the middle... but we realized that would not be as effective as doing it the other way
There are a few others that there are, but since I do not have the list, so it is hard for me to write it all down.. However I AM trying to get to a point.. each of us members have our own "favor" necklace. This is a necklace that has a bead of our choice (our favorite bead that speaks of our personality or just our favorite colour, mine is a cobalt blue glass bead) This necklace is given out to the person or people who just "made your event" it doesn't have to be in a dirty way either.
This weekend I gave out my "favor necklace" to somebody who helped make me feel like I was finally "IN" with the WHOLE shire....made me feel like I was actually part of the entire shire and not a by stander. This person would wait for me when I straggled, call me by my name, include me in the "we are all freezing our butts off huddle by the fire", and made sure that when we spoke in a circle of people that other people were not putting themselves between me and the group thereby isolating me. (having their back to me basically cutting me off from the group, which happened ALLOT last year..not intentionally but it did)
There are very prominent key people in the shire .. I guess it would be the equivalent to "the cool popular kids" from highschool. They are the people who have been around for a long long time....
Well I was accepted by most of the "cool kids" fairly easily since I started playing. There was a certain group of people that have always been very well respected, however they rarely if ever spoke to me....which made me feel awkward especially in a group if I said something and they didn't respond at all.
This Clinton that changed... I went from last year feeling like a shadow following a couple of people, just hoping to be introduced and NOT forgotten (which most of the times the introductions never happened...and I felt even more forgotten..and more like a shadow). to this year feeling like an independent social butterfly.
This year was SO different I was able to walk around and find people on my own. I didn't need to be "following" anybody (for lack of not knowing where to go or what to do). I didn't have to stay GLUED to the people I came with (if I didn't feel like doing whatever it was that they were doing). I even got HUGS!! I got spoken too, repeatedly...and I was able to be more myself around everybody and not utterly paralyzed from fear of doing "the wrong thing". A big part of this I feel was that special somebody who took the extra time and effort to include me even though they didn't know me very well. Again thank you. ** HUGS**
Before any of the other people that I dearly care for in the SCA get there nose out of joint. This post IS NOT intended to make how you guys make me feel any less valuable if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have had the courage to have even gone to Clinton last year..and I thank you guys for that, and for the support and friendship that you have shown me.
This Clinton was the closest I have gotten to "the real me" the before my "anxiety disorder Lorna" I have been in a long long time...I do not know why I became so afraid....it SO isn't me.
This last weekend has given me a new energy and confidence back that I used to have. It made me feel powerful. I LIKE THAT FEELING!!!
I am thinking if I get enough courage that I MAY take up a fighting style ( heavy or rapier) which one...I haven't decided yet. I have no clue which I would be any good at, if any. I wish there was a way I could be tested without having to foot the bill for the gear first.
if next Clinton is anything like this Clinton I'm going to have a hard time waiting an entire year!
Monday, July 9, 2007
The drives of reckoning
Wow this year has been a true time of reckoning for me...
For those of you who had been thinking that something was "wrong with me" lately or that I was upset... it was mostly wresting with the following in my head.
I have told Cameron that if he wants to go away to Vernon next summer for 7 weeks that it was fine by me..........and weirdly ........it is...
Do not get me wrong I'll miss him like crazy.... and I'll be out to visit him as much as time and $$ will allow.
This is obviously something he needs to do...Why??? I doubt I could ever fully understand (not being ARMY and all) .....
What I DO understand is missing all of those things you wish you could do, or want to do, but for various reasons you choose not to do....... be it time, money, obligations, responsibility, guilt, whatever.
The world is so huge and we can only do or be so many things in it. Every single choice narrows down our version of the world......
I wasn't about to narrow down his world on him, when it really didn't have to be...
He has always tried to be supportive with most everything I do.. He deserves at least the same support.
I have also come to the realization that I have to make sure he knows I "WANT" him not that I "NEED" him...
All the stupid love songs ,movies, and the people who regurgitate the sentiments in those movies and songs make you think that every person wants you "need" them. Need them so bad that you'd DIE without them, or that you would die for them, or die to be with them......
They make it out like it is the biggest ultimate act of love.......but my eyes are seeing clearer and it really ISN'T.......it is an act of control and manipulation.......I thought I was being so loving towards him by behaving like I was "needing" him...... but to my dismay I realize that it is "desired" and to feel "useful needed", NOT life or death needed...if that makes sense...Fortunately I still can be sure that he knows my TRUE feelings.
I have never wanted to be a "needy" person..and I know I have been in the past....... I do not know when I turned from somebody so head strong and feisty into somebody so introverted and fearful.....I do not like it and will not let it continue.............all of this just occurred to me on a drive home the other day.
Something else that occurred to me on a different drive home (geeze I think allot in the car, maybe that is why I like road trips so much)
The reason I'm so paranoid about what people think about me and if I look like a fool..... It is karma....every time that self loathing, self doubting, freak in my head rears its ugly head...I hear its cruel comments. Comments that are the EXACT ones *I* used to say as a uncaring and insensitive youth..... an example is when I was a teen and I saw a fat lady... (one the size I am now) I would turn and whisper to my friend something like "if I ever get that fat beat me to death with a two by four", or if I saw somebody not the "picture of perfect media beautiful" doing something and having fun, I would make fun of them and laugh at them behind their back.
The exact same thing I fear people doing to me...the unheard comments....the behind the back talking and laughing
Then I thought about "why I said use to say those hurtful things.......the truth was I felt very low.....unloved...unwanted....and used by every person who said they loved me, So the only way for me to feel good, or superior, and better than others was to put them down. Use them to prop myself up with ..so to speak.
WOW how cruel was I?????....
With that realization I have found it easier not to give a $hit about what the people who would make those comments think or say now.... It is strangely empowering to me, because I know WHY they'd say it if they did....weirdly this has given me courage.... and a bizarre sense of self esteem....almost like I have paid my kamatic debt and I'm in the clear...to start fresh
I had to be completely torn down and broken in order to feel and understand......having the misconceptions and the self delusions destroyed in order to experience how bad it feels...so I can gain TRUE perspective as well as to have grace and patients for those around me who still haven't "cleared their vision". Now that I have all that....I am not going to waste it.
For those of you who had been thinking that something was "wrong with me" lately or that I was upset... it was mostly wresting with the following in my head.
I have told Cameron that if he wants to go away to Vernon next summer for 7 weeks that it was fine by me..........and weirdly ........it is...
Do not get me wrong I'll miss him like crazy.... and I'll be out to visit him as much as time and $$ will allow.
This is obviously something he needs to do...Why??? I doubt I could ever fully understand (not being ARMY and all) .....
What I DO understand is missing all of those things you wish you could do, or want to do, but for various reasons you choose not to do....... be it time, money, obligations, responsibility, guilt, whatever.
The world is so huge and we can only do or be so many things in it. Every single choice narrows down our version of the world......
I wasn't about to narrow down his world on him, when it really didn't have to be...
He has always tried to be supportive with most everything I do.. He deserves at least the same support.
I have also come to the realization that I have to make sure he knows I "WANT" him not that I "NEED" him...
All the stupid love songs ,movies, and the people who regurgitate the sentiments in those movies and songs make you think that every person wants you "need" them. Need them so bad that you'd DIE without them, or that you would die for them, or die to be with them......
They make it out like it is the biggest ultimate act of love.......but my eyes are seeing clearer and it really ISN'T.......it is an act of control and manipulation.......I thought I was being so loving towards him by behaving like I was "needing" him...... but to my dismay I realize that it is "desired" and to feel "useful needed", NOT life or death needed...if that makes sense...Fortunately I still can be sure that he knows my TRUE feelings.
I have never wanted to be a "needy" person..and I know I have been in the past....... I do not know when I turned from somebody so head strong and feisty into somebody so introverted and fearful.....I do not like it and will not let it continue.............all of this just occurred to me on a drive home the other day.
Something else that occurred to me on a different drive home (geeze I think allot in the car, maybe that is why I like road trips so much)
The reason I'm so paranoid about what people think about me and if I look like a fool..... It is karma....every time that self loathing, self doubting, freak in my head rears its ugly head...I hear its cruel comments. Comments that are the EXACT ones *I* used to say as a uncaring and insensitive youth..... an example is when I was a teen and I saw a fat lady... (one the size I am now) I would turn and whisper to my friend something like "if I ever get that fat beat me to death with a two by four", or if I saw somebody not the "picture of perfect media beautiful" doing something and having fun, I would make fun of them and laugh at them behind their back.
The exact same thing I fear people doing to me...the unheard comments....the behind the back talking and laughing
Then I thought about "why I said use to say those hurtful things.......the truth was I felt very low.....unloved...unwanted....and used by every person who said they loved me, So the only way for me to feel good, or superior, and better than others was to put them down. Use them to prop myself up with ..so to speak.
WOW how cruel was I?????....
With that realization I have found it easier not to give a $hit about what the people who would make those comments think or say now.... It is strangely empowering to me, because I know WHY they'd say it if they did....weirdly this has given me courage.... and a bizarre sense of self esteem....almost like I have paid my kamatic debt and I'm in the clear...to start fresh
I had to be completely torn down and broken in order to feel and understand......having the misconceptions and the self delusions destroyed in order to experience how bad it feels...so I can gain TRUE perspective as well as to have grace and patients for those around me who still haven't "cleared their vision". Now that I have all that....I am not going to waste it.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
An Epiphany...of sorts
Well it all started last Wednesday night.......
I was watching Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic ( description below)
The Brookhaven Rehabilitation Centre in New York is home to 75 of America's fattest people who are desperate to lose the weight that is killing them. The emergency services struggle to save 750 pound Dennis Davis as he's suffocated by his own weight. Caught on camera - the food addicts who cheat 400 pound Tammy Shannon breaks the rules to smuggle in fat-laden junk food and Ex-gang member, Vincent Tucker, is 700lbs of pure attitude. Two heart attacks by the age of 27 means he has to change his "bad boy" ways if he's to survive. Former Brookhaven success story George Cuadrado (611 lbs.) is back again after just eleven months.
WOW were these people fat. it was heart breaking. They were talking about how they were going to die if they didn't stop...yet they can't stop because humans need food to live...(it would be like asking a crack addict to only take .5 cc per day while having a never ending supply at hand and seeeing it everywhere................impossible......)
Well I had been watching this upstairs because Sadie was in the tub, ( I like being near her in the water to be sure things are going okay)..... WELL Nigel was watching the show with me on and off too... then he stood between me and the TV with a very distressed look on his little face...I asked him what was wrong. He looked and pointed at me, then looked and pointed at the TV. Looking even more sad and worried he said "I don't want you to do that", and he pointed back at the TV. at the show. ( I of course reassured him that mommy will not do that)
It really bothered me that he drew that line from them to me.....why would he draw that line....to him do I look like a 400 lb-750 lbs person?
I noticed the pictures of me at the church picnic hung at church a few days later. I could distinctly remember at those moments how "nice " I thought I looked....then to see the pictures......
OH GEEZE do pictures say 1000 words. I could see my arms and the rest of me. How "not nice" I actually was which made me question " I'm I obese?"
Well I went to Cameron and said the dreaded words NO PERSON ever wants to hear from people they care about. I said, "If I ask you something will you tell me the truth no matter how much you think it may hurt my feelings, because I need to know?"
He had the "oh shit" look on his face and said, "Yes"
I asked my dreaded question, "Am I obese?"
He paused then answered "Yes" but then reassured me that he love me no matter how I look....it is Lorna he loves, not Lorna's body....(although we does and has a favorite part or two ....TEE-HEE)
I love him for that...and so many other reasons ....... I can always trust him to be there for me when I needed him ................and I needed him to be there with the truth.
How many men would give you the honest answer like that even knowing it is something you need to hear, but do not want to know,...but have to know..
Well I thought about the obese thing for most of Sunday. When I got home and Cameron went to bed I then I looked online to see what the categories are for weight for over weight, obese, and morbidly obese
I have always known how many pounds overweight I am, and NOW I'm finally able to do something about it, with all of all my surgeries and procedures being done and over with, as well as being given the okay to go back to full activities. ( I was okayed before , but then my stomach was hurting and I had to get a hematomin drained .... that was the last procedure I had done). I always looked at myself as "chubby", "big", "chunky"," over weight" but never obese.
Now I know I am 110 lbs. over weight, that hasn't change ( it will but it hasn't yet ..really I was only give the okay a couple weeks ago....so it wouldn't have) in fact I weight less now than I did when I was married... but again I never thought of myself as "obese" ...just overweight.......
My BMI ( body mass index is 40.8) it should be between 18-25 UGH....but it was 44.6 when I got married, I managed to get it down to 34.3 before all the surgeries started, but because of not being ALLOWED/able to work out I packed 30 lbs back on....gggrrrrrrrr.
I will do it again...I have to... I can not stand the sight of myself.....
That and I KNOW what I need to do.
However I am writing this blog to vent the emotions that I have been going over the last few days....I have been incredibly weepy, it isn't easy to admit morbid obesity to yourself. Even thought (and Cameron pointed this out) I haven't gained anything since before I knew...so what has changed ...just the wording really I have always had to loose 110 lbs. and I knew this..so why am I so incredibly upset about it now??
I realize it is the shame that goes hand in hand with the word...and the guilt, even though the 30lbs (out of the 60 lost) I gained back was not fully my fault. I wasn't able/allowed to do activity for a long time...but I did keep half of it off still..I concede that I still could have made better eating choices though. But over all that is a good thing.
It is hard it is one of the major things we need to live and it can kill us too...ugh....I feel guilty because of being obese my anxiety disorder was unbearable (BEFORE I almost died with the infection in the hospital) It was based from me being fat.
I felt that I was too fat to be seen, I didn't want to run into old b/f, or friends...because I could hear the "Oh I saw Lorna the other day and she is HUGE and fat...she has really let herself go" and I felt that the world shouldn't have to be punished by having to look at my disgusting body. I put myself and the people I care about through hell....and it was hell...everyday afraid to go out and bee seen by people I know, including extended family....The near death hospital thing really put the time I was wasting into perspective.....but not the weight part.
I am a morbidly obese woman. I am at risk of at LEAST a dozen serious health issues, and at least that many minor ones, which is worse than the ones for just obese, and the same for overweight... The only person who can do anything about it is the person who stares back from the mirror at me....even if I dislike her...she is worth knowing at her best...and she isn't and that HAS to change.
The post was seeming like (as I mulled it over for the last few days) like it was going to be very upsetting, hopeless, and depressing....but after speaking with two very wonderful people in my life at length about it. I realize it isn't a bleak as it was feeling. Since I realized I am morbidly obese I have wanted to run screaming and tearing my flesh from my body like a person who is wearing clothes that are on fire......the most agonizing thing for me right now is I know in order to get to my ultimate goal weight (135lbs) if I did everything absolutely perfect....the healthy rate of weight loss is 2.5 lbs. per week I'm still looking at 11 months........ but that also doesn't include plateaus that can stall your weight loss for a few weeks before you can break through them... but I am burning now! These "burning clothes" are burning me now.. and I want it off..if I loose the weight too rapidly though ,the chance of regaining and gaining extra on top is WAY higher...
I did get some inspiration today in the form of a little red headed German lady .... I do not know exactly how old she is but I know she is a senior... and she knocked on my door today to ask ME if she could come and work out with me because she is feeling motivated to work out and get in better shape......wow...I hope if I need to loose weight when I'm her age I have the guts to do it... it made me feel foolish for being embarrassed to go the gym that all the other mom's from the preschool go to, just because they are all thin.This little German lady said she would like to go with me to that very gym at that very time...so hell if she can do it...I'm foolish to think be apprehensive about it.
Well this post is getting plenty long, I'm sure the rest of you have things you need to do other than read my blog, but thank you for reading it ..I know I can get long winded at times...but I do appreciate all the people who DO take time out of their day to read about my struggles, hopes, memories and joys.
I was watching Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic ( description below)
The Brookhaven Rehabilitation Centre in New York is home to 75 of America's fattest people who are desperate to lose the weight that is killing them. The emergency services struggle to save 750 pound Dennis Davis as he's suffocated by his own weight. Caught on camera - the food addicts who cheat 400 pound Tammy Shannon breaks the rules to smuggle in fat-laden junk food and Ex-gang member, Vincent Tucker, is 700lbs of pure attitude. Two heart attacks by the age of 27 means he has to change his "bad boy" ways if he's to survive. Former Brookhaven success story George Cuadrado (611 lbs.) is back again after just eleven months.
WOW were these people fat. it was heart breaking. They were talking about how they were going to die if they didn't stop...yet they can't stop because humans need food to live...(it would be like asking a crack addict to only take .5 cc per day while having a never ending supply at hand and seeeing it everywhere................impossible......)
Well I had been watching this upstairs because Sadie was in the tub, ( I like being near her in the water to be sure things are going okay)..... WELL Nigel was watching the show with me on and off too... then he stood between me and the TV with a very distressed look on his little face...I asked him what was wrong. He looked and pointed at me, then looked and pointed at the TV. Looking even more sad and worried he said "I don't want you to do that", and he pointed back at the TV. at the show. ( I of course reassured him that mommy will not do that)
It really bothered me that he drew that line from them to me.....why would he draw that line....to him do I look like a 400 lb-750 lbs person?
I noticed the pictures of me at the church picnic hung at church a few days later. I could distinctly remember at those moments how "nice " I thought I looked....then to see the pictures......
OH GEEZE do pictures say 1000 words. I could see my arms and the rest of me. How "not nice" I actually was which made me question " I'm I obese?"
Well I went to Cameron and said the dreaded words NO PERSON ever wants to hear from people they care about. I said, "If I ask you something will you tell me the truth no matter how much you think it may hurt my feelings, because I need to know?"
He had the "oh shit" look on his face and said, "Yes"
I asked my dreaded question, "Am I obese?"
He paused then answered "Yes" but then reassured me that he love me no matter how I look....it is Lorna he loves, not Lorna's body....(although we does and has a favorite part or two ....TEE-HEE)
I love him for that...and so many other reasons ....... I can always trust him to be there for me when I needed him ................and I needed him to be there with the truth.
How many men would give you the honest answer like that even knowing it is something you need to hear, but do not want to know,...but have to know..
Well I thought about the obese thing for most of Sunday. When I got home and Cameron went to bed I then I looked online to see what the categories are for weight for over weight, obese, and morbidly obese
I have always known how many pounds overweight I am, and NOW I'm finally able to do something about it, with all of all my surgeries and procedures being done and over with, as well as being given the okay to go back to full activities. ( I was okayed before , but then my stomach was hurting and I had to get a hematomin drained .... that was the last procedure I had done). I always looked at myself as "chubby", "big", "chunky"," over weight" but never obese.
Now I know I am 110 lbs. over weight, that hasn't change ( it will but it hasn't yet ..really I was only give the okay a couple weeks ago....so it wouldn't have) in fact I weight less now than I did when I was married... but again I never thought of myself as "obese" ...just overweight.......
My BMI ( body mass index is 40.8) it should be between 18-25 UGH....but it was 44.6 when I got married, I managed to get it down to 34.3 before all the surgeries started, but because of not being ALLOWED/able to work out I packed 30 lbs back on....gggrrrrrrrr.
I will do it again...I have to... I can not stand the sight of myself.....
That and I KNOW what I need to do.
However I am writing this blog to vent the emotions that I have been going over the last few days....I have been incredibly weepy, it isn't easy to admit morbid obesity to yourself. Even thought (and Cameron pointed this out) I haven't gained anything since before I knew...so what has changed ...just the wording really I have always had to loose 110 lbs. and I knew this..so why am I so incredibly upset about it now??
I realize it is the shame that goes hand in hand with the word...and the guilt, even though the 30lbs (out of the 60 lost) I gained back was not fully my fault. I wasn't able/allowed to do activity for a long time...but I did keep half of it off still..I concede that I still could have made better eating choices though. But over all that is a good thing.
It is hard it is one of the major things we need to live and it can kill us too...ugh....I feel guilty because of being obese my anxiety disorder was unbearable (BEFORE I almost died with the infection in the hospital) It was based from me being fat.
I felt that I was too fat to be seen, I didn't want to run into old b/f, or friends...because I could hear the "Oh I saw Lorna the other day and she is HUGE and fat...she has really let herself go" and I felt that the world shouldn't have to be punished by having to look at my disgusting body. I put myself and the people I care about through hell....and it was hell...everyday afraid to go out and bee seen by people I know, including extended family....The near death hospital thing really put the time I was wasting into perspective.....but not the weight part.
I am a morbidly obese woman. I am at risk of at LEAST a dozen serious health issues, and at least that many minor ones, which is worse than the ones for just obese, and the same for overweight... The only person who can do anything about it is the person who stares back from the mirror at me....even if I dislike her...she is worth knowing at her best...and she isn't and that HAS to change.
The post was seeming like (as I mulled it over for the last few days) like it was going to be very upsetting, hopeless, and depressing....but after speaking with two very wonderful people in my life at length about it. I realize it isn't a bleak as it was feeling. Since I realized I am morbidly obese I have wanted to run screaming and tearing my flesh from my body like a person who is wearing clothes that are on fire......the most agonizing thing for me right now is I know in order to get to my ultimate goal weight (135lbs) if I did everything absolutely perfect....the healthy rate of weight loss is 2.5 lbs. per week I'm still looking at 11 months........ but that also doesn't include plateaus that can stall your weight loss for a few weeks before you can break through them... but I am burning now! These "burning clothes" are burning me now.. and I want it off..if I loose the weight too rapidly though ,the chance of regaining and gaining extra on top is WAY higher...
I did get some inspiration today in the form of a little red headed German lady .... I do not know exactly how old she is but I know she is a senior... and she knocked on my door today to ask ME if she could come and work out with me because she is feeling motivated to work out and get in better shape......wow...I hope if I need to loose weight when I'm her age I have the guts to do it... it made me feel foolish for being embarrassed to go the gym that all the other mom's from the preschool go to, just because they are all thin.This little German lady said she would like to go with me to that very gym at that very time...so hell if she can do it...I'm foolish to think be apprehensive about it.
Well this post is getting plenty long, I'm sure the rest of you have things you need to do other than read my blog, but thank you for reading it ..I know I can get long winded at times...but I do appreciate all the people who DO take time out of their day to read about my struggles, hopes, memories and joys.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
the final word
Well I was at my follow up apt for the surgeon yesterday. He said that it seems like it was just a hemmatomin...(collection on old blood, like a clot) and that all the trauma ( the popping and wicked pain) I suffered last Weds (9th of may 2007) should be the last of it. The surgeon actually said " Well it looks like you will not need to see me again" having my health is a huge weight off of my shoulders...in every aspect of my life.
I have been wanting to start working out and gain my strength back but terrified to do so due to all the trouble in my abs (which is my worst area in fitness, of course) I was afraid if I did ANYTHING that I would make it worse and land up back in the hospital.......then get bawled out by everybody and their dog for "over doing it".
It is enough to make you scream. I get in trouble and feel lazy for not doing enough, and when I do attempt stuff I get bawled out for that too...damned if I do, and damned if I don't. But now that I have the OKAY from the doctor I should be safe from bawling...I just have to wait for the aggitation from the "popping" to fade off then I'll be good to go.
Then the other day I was given the "just do it" from Cameron with regards to times for going to the gym.....
So now I just have to find out what hours the leisure center has and start trying to get there at LEAST once a week for the first while. I would like to work my way up to 5 days a week eventually...but I'd be happy with three..I do not want to get ahead of myself. I'm aiming for once or twice a week to start...once I can do that continuously then I'll move to the higher ones.
Ideally I'd like to be up to 5 days a week by the time Nigel starts kindergarten. I figure I can do my work out when he is in school...therefore not having to worry about childcare.
I have been having trouble going to the Cheam center due to all the other mom's in Nigel's preschool all go there. They are all REALLY in shape ..which intimidates me more than I'd like it to.
I feel like if I went and was working out in front of them. The second I wasn't around they would talk about how stupid and fat I look on the machines and that I should give up because I'm just hopeless.
I know....I know...... how narcissistic of me to think they would have nothing better to talk about other than ME...
That is how that evil bugger in my head operates.....he takes what is my worst fear and plays on it......and my worst fear is "looking stupid", and "pathetic". Not to be confused with fear of looking foolish ..I can deal with that. I do goofy things all the time, and usually land up injured in the process. I can also deal with being embarrassed, because I have pulled a bonehead move or two in my time..and it has built a tolerance for embarrassment. (as earlier blog entries in my OLD blog indicate) it is a different look that I'm afraid of.
You know the look......the kind of look the lady who is 45+ years old, dressed in her "sexy" clothes that are 2-3 sizes too small, but she mushes herself into them anyhow. which makes her look like a stringed roast. While being way too drunk and dirty dancing on the dance floor ALONE.....when there isn't anybody on the dance floor at all......THAT kind of pathetic look.
I NEVER want to be so delusional that I'm THAT woman.....thinking you are being totally hot and sexy , meanwhile everybody is shaking their heads and laughing at you.
That is what much of my social anxieties stem from....especially as I age. I'm afraid to go dancing with my own husband because I do not want to look like "that woman".
I'm afraid to dance at all..... I used to be a very good at dancing (at least that is what many different people would tell me), and I dearly LOVE to dance.
It also makes me afraid to employ the more fun flirty sexual aspects of my personality. Which I fear, is making me a dud.
So if I get a better body and I'm more happy with my physical form then I would feel more comfortable....maybe get those parts of my personality back.
As I am now I do not feel comfortable in my own skin. For me to move around it feels like I am wearing two or three snowsuits at all times, which would make anybody feel awkward.
The last time I felt remotely comfortable in my skin was when Cameron and I had just met and started dating.
I weighted 150lbs back then, since then it has been a mostly a climb in weight, with the odd dips here and there. I have not been able to get back to my "happy" weight and I do not know why.......
I have lost huge amounts I lost 60 lbs at one point but after the last set of surgeries I gained a bunch back because I wasn't ALLOWED to do anything, but I still had to eat and get my iron levels out of blood transfusion range... food+lack of movement= FAT............. JOY.............and since it was my abdomen EVERY pissing movement pulled down there in some way.
I am determined to get healthy, I want to feel the physical strength and confidence I once had.It makes me furious and frustrated that I do not have that. I know I am strong I still have a great deal of strength, but I do not look like I do......and THAT bothers me.
It is like being incredibly smart ....brilliant....but having ZERO way to communicate it in ANY way so everybody treats you like a moron....talking slowly to you and using very simple words......When if you could communicate to them you could talk to them in 7 different languages....... That is the level of frustration I'm feeling.
I have resolved to do this. Now I'm healthy once the twinges and tinglyness on the "popping" goes away, I have no more excuses there ARE no more excuses. I have to take it and show everybody that I'm not just talk, that I mean what I say.
I will be better looking at 40 than I was at 30 and damn proud of it too.
I am resolute to take my life back! As well as prove the doubters WRONG. I know there are doubters too....but I'll use them to get the motivation during the more trying times, I'll let their negativity be my strength. I'm dropping the gloves and letting "fat Lorna" have it.
I have been wanting to start working out and gain my strength back but terrified to do so due to all the trouble in my abs (which is my worst area in fitness, of course) I was afraid if I did ANYTHING that I would make it worse and land up back in the hospital.......then get bawled out by everybody and their dog for "over doing it".
It is enough to make you scream. I get in trouble and feel lazy for not doing enough, and when I do attempt stuff I get bawled out for that too...damned if I do, and damned if I don't. But now that I have the OKAY from the doctor I should be safe from bawling...I just have to wait for the aggitation from the "popping" to fade off then I'll be good to go.
Then the other day I was given the "just do it" from Cameron with regards to times for going to the gym.....
So now I just have to find out what hours the leisure center has and start trying to get there at LEAST once a week for the first while. I would like to work my way up to 5 days a week eventually...but I'd be happy with three..I do not want to get ahead of myself. I'm aiming for once or twice a week to start...once I can do that continuously then I'll move to the higher ones.
Ideally I'd like to be up to 5 days a week by the time Nigel starts kindergarten. I figure I can do my work out when he is in school...therefore not having to worry about childcare.
I have been having trouble going to the Cheam center due to all the other mom's in Nigel's preschool all go there. They are all REALLY in shape ..which intimidates me more than I'd like it to.
I feel like if I went and was working out in front of them. The second I wasn't around they would talk about how stupid and fat I look on the machines and that I should give up because I'm just hopeless.
I know....I know...... how narcissistic of me to think they would have nothing better to talk about other than ME...
That is how that evil bugger in my head operates.....he takes what is my worst fear and plays on it......and my worst fear is "looking stupid", and "pathetic". Not to be confused with fear of looking foolish ..I can deal with that. I do goofy things all the time, and usually land up injured in the process. I can also deal with being embarrassed, because I have pulled a bonehead move or two in my time..and it has built a tolerance for embarrassment. (as earlier blog entries in my OLD blog indicate) it is a different look that I'm afraid of.
You know the look......the kind of look the lady who is 45+ years old, dressed in her "sexy" clothes that are 2-3 sizes too small, but she mushes herself into them anyhow. which makes her look like a stringed roast. While being way too drunk and dirty dancing on the dance floor ALONE.....when there isn't anybody on the dance floor at all......THAT kind of pathetic look.
I NEVER want to be so delusional that I'm THAT woman.....thinking you are being totally hot and sexy , meanwhile everybody is shaking their heads and laughing at you.
That is what much of my social anxieties stem from....especially as I age. I'm afraid to go dancing with my own husband because I do not want to look like "that woman".
I'm afraid to dance at all..... I used to be a very good at dancing (at least that is what many different people would tell me), and I dearly LOVE to dance.
It also makes me afraid to employ the more fun flirty sexual aspects of my personality. Which I fear, is making me a dud.
So if I get a better body and I'm more happy with my physical form then I would feel more comfortable....maybe get those parts of my personality back.
As I am now I do not feel comfortable in my own skin. For me to move around it feels like I am wearing two or three snowsuits at all times, which would make anybody feel awkward.
The last time I felt remotely comfortable in my skin was when Cameron and I had just met and started dating.
I weighted 150lbs back then, since then it has been a mostly a climb in weight, with the odd dips here and there. I have not been able to get back to my "happy" weight and I do not know why.......
I have lost huge amounts I lost 60 lbs at one point but after the last set of surgeries I gained a bunch back because I wasn't ALLOWED to do anything, but I still had to eat and get my iron levels out of blood transfusion range... food+lack of movement= FAT............. JOY.............and since it was my abdomen EVERY pissing movement pulled down there in some way.
I am determined to get healthy, I want to feel the physical strength and confidence I once had.It makes me furious and frustrated that I do not have that. I know I am strong I still have a great deal of strength, but I do not look like I do......and THAT bothers me.
It is like being incredibly smart ....brilliant....but having ZERO way to communicate it in ANY way so everybody treats you like a moron....talking slowly to you and using very simple words......When if you could communicate to them you could talk to them in 7 different languages....... That is the level of frustration I'm feeling.
I have resolved to do this. Now I'm healthy once the twinges and tinglyness on the "popping" goes away, I have no more excuses there ARE no more excuses. I have to take it and show everybody that I'm not just talk, that I mean what I say.
I will be better looking at 40 than I was at 30 and damn proud of it too.
I am resolute to take my life back! As well as prove the doubters WRONG. I know there are doubters too....but I'll use them to get the motivation during the more trying times, I'll let their negativity be my strength. I'm dropping the gloves and letting "fat Lorna" have it.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Update my settings
Okay I have it set so ANYBODY can comment, you do NOT need to have an account on blogspot The comments will still be screened by me though, just to be sure nobody is posting spam...as long as it is a legit comment I will post it.. even if it may not be complientary to me....
So I invite you throw you two cents at me :)...I can use the money hehehehe!
So I invite you throw you two cents at me :)...I can use the money hehehehe!
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