Vancouver 2011 Stanley Cup Riot: violence and bad choices.

Sadly I saw this coming.  I knew if Vancouver didn’t win.  People would use this as an excuse for making very BAD CHOICES by being violent, causing destruction and theft.

I am disgusted, ashamed, however not shocked.

All the work we all did as Greater Vancouver to welcome the world during the Olympics, to show the world our hospitality.  To show what a safe, fun, and friendly city we can be have now been pretty much completely tarnished in one evening…WTG

I have a message to you people who went out tonight “hoping for, and egging on the violence”.

YOU ARE STUPID AND SAD!

The reason I say this (other than your idiotic choice of choosing to be violent, destructive, and to steal tonight) is because everybody has a cameras on their phones ANY crime you do tonight at the riot will be sure to be captured on in some sort of way.

It will not be an anonymous crime.

My example CLICK HERE  I bet they didn’t think there would be such a clear picture of them being idiots.

Will your mothers, grandmothers, and children be proud of your choices tonight?

Are you proud of yourself?

Not only that ....do not forget your co-workers, bosses, friends, and family will also see this.
I bet your boss will be "pleased as punch" that you are a representative of their company. Oh and if you “called in sick “ to be able to make it to the game today you will probably be getting fired for lying now too.

BRAVO! I hope it was worth what you’ve lost tonight.

You have shown your true value and it is SAD.

To the “BlackBlock” using this as a catalyst for your own agenda.  If you truly believe in what you are doing have the balls to remove the masks and bandanas and OWN what you are doing…stop COWARING behind your masks.  If you can not stand up for what you are doing maybe you SHOULDN’T BE DOING IT!

To you people who stayed down there to watch the riot and got caught in it “because you wanted to have fun and watch the riot.”  If you got hurt… that was Darwin sending you a message. “You DID NOT HAVE COMMON SENCE enough to leave that situation” you are stupid and probably should NOT procreate. Do not act like a victim either, you made the choice to be in a high risk danger area and you got hurt. You made your bed now lay in it.  When a police person tells you to “For your own safety, GO HOME” then you should GO HOME!!! If you didn’t you made a BAD CHOICE and get to live with the results.

Do not get me wrong staying there on purpose is WAY different from somebody who was down there and tried to leave, but couldn’t because of the busses and the sea bus getting shut down.  Getting trapped down there is incredibly unfortunate.  To you, my heart truly goes out and I hope you found your way to a safe place.

I pray that everybody learns from this disappointing event….but sadly I don’t think the ones who need to learn the most will.

Frustration

Well today I am sooo frustrated it isn't even funny.

I got a new job 2 weeks ago, I will not mention where as I do not want to have people think ill of that company due to my venting.

I did my training days and was given my uniform. Just before my 1st " on the floor shift" I tried on my uniform ( I wasn't able to try it on earlier due to time constraints), it didn't fit, the pants would not do up and the shirt have gaps between the buttons due to pulling. 
I looked at the size, it was 2 sizes smaller than what was suppose to have been ordered.  UGH! So I put on the shirt with a bra that  made the gaps pretty much unnoticeable..and a pair of black dress pants. The uniform should have dark brown pants, but I thought I might be able to get to work, just until I get replacement parts.

So off to work I went.

I get there. The manager had not noticed I wasn't wearing the correct pants until I said " oh by the way the pants didn't fit" she took a double look at the pants I had on and said "sorry but you can't  work in those you will need to go home"

So i missed out on the 4 hours I was scheduled for that day, and the 4 for the next day.

GREAT just what somebody who has been out of work for 4 months needs ..no income!

Then I was told we will call you when it comes it, and I'll let you know what your schedule is"

She finally calls me back.. okay the uniform should be there on Tuesday and you work Weds, Thurs and Friday, and Sunday.

I called yesterday to see in the uniform showed up, still no uniform...I was told that the person who delivers them would be there today (weds) Well I get to work today....NO UNIFORM!!! they where going to send me home again when I suggested finishing off the training vids I had not gotten to yet.

I was hoping in that time my uniform would arrive and then I could finish out my shift. Well no such luck. My 8 hour day was only a 2 hour day and I have no idea if I'll be working tomorrow or not.
I'm suppose to "get a phone call today" to let me know. So I will be loosing even MORE time I can NOT afford to loose.

I am sooo frustrated.

I offered to go and get the uniform from where ever it is but they said it is from out of town and I couldn't.

I am at wits end!!! I am ready to scream!!!

Oh and to top that off I MAY be making a dollar less than I thought I'd be making.... OOOOOH AWESOME!

I feel like the harder I try, the harder I get booted down. I'm just going to stop trying at this rate.

Maggot

An egg
Tiny
Benign
Hatches

You maggot
You grow and fester in me
You are alive and wriggling
Eating me from the inside out.
You grow and grow.

You fly
Buzzing around in my ear
It is deafening
Make me crazy
I swat and miss
Swat and miss again
I can’t get rid of you

You lay more eggs
Soon my body is swarming with the eggs you planted
I have no control,
I swat and fight
I hate you.

Sometimes it looks like I’m winning
But I’m just failing
Floundering
You can’t help me
You do not see them
You do not understand
With that you inadvertently help them.

I’m riddled with maggots
I am over whelmed.
Always they are there
I can hear them wriggling
It is like screaming in my ears

They eat away at my insides
I am only clean white bones of what I was

At least I’m thin now.

For my husband

Like the air, he is around me.
He warms me when I'm cold
He cools me when I'm hot.
He is a person I love to know, I love to love.
With him I am complete
I am independent, but I do not WANT to get through this life without him.
I like him, he is my best friend, my anchor, my rock, and my shelter.
Always in my heart and always in my thoughts.
When problems arise we work together making each other stronger
We walk together, our heads may turn but our steps never falter...
Even when he is far away we walk together




I'm really missing you

Lunatic lunch

Do you smell it?

Feel it?

It covers me like mud

I can’t absorb it

Yet I can’t get clean

How do I get my soul clean in such a mess?



They never understand.

They can’t

They aren’t wired that way.

I have been damaged in many falls.

So I rewired myself bit by bit, as I could.

Now I only make sense to me and, maybe an open heart.

Truly open,

No hiding

No justifying

Open like a book for all who care to read.



Mud is bitter and will taint me

It taints all it touches.

Even if it is only to pick it up in order to fling it

Some always stays with you under your nails

Where you can’t see, but you are still filthy.



Never stare at yourself in a mirror to close for to long.

The flaws and filth will burn out your mind.



Do I sound like a lunatic, or a prophet?

Confucius or confusion

Everything new sounds crazy…….

Until.... it works… then it is brilliant

Insanity and brilliances are only separated by success

One has it the other doesn’t

I’m tired of being crazy; it’s somebody else’s turn.

The man I knew

I had soo much I wanted to say but I couldn't fit it all in.

James Lorne Hull was the man I knew
Stolen before his time was due
Sorrow left us feeling raw
Add in salt, the final straw .
Broken hearts, falling tears
Longing for the stolen years

A bag of shirts, smile on his face
Lead him to that warm embrace.
I learned the stories from his life
That brought him to his loving wife

An instant Dad, A guiding light
Tried to teach them wrong from right
Even when it didn't work
An upset kid can be a jerk
He could have walked at any time
But he CHOSE to tow that line.

Forgiveness he had always tried
Even at his last bedside
Petty arguments washed away
specially on his final day

I wish our children had got to see
How great a "papa" he could be
I didn't get much time with Jim
Or to say that I loved him.
James Lorne Hull was the man I knew
Stolen..... before his time was due.

What is lost

Well it is looking like the funeral will be held on the 8th of Sept 1:30 pm at our church.

I keep having sudden out bursts of sorrow and weeping, then I'm okay....then I'm crying again. The outbursts mostly happen when I think of things like:

-The fact that over the ten years I knew him, I only got one hug from him ever and that was on my wedding day.

-That I never got to tell him that I loved him...

-When I say something at the house. (the house being Laureen and Jim's place) Something that Jim would have ran with it. Then we would have been going back and forth, either cracking up OR grossing out the others. Now I say something and it gets left behind. There is no laughing......

-How little time my kids and I got with him. How angry I feel when I think of all the time the others had and how some of them wasted it by being petty and small.

-He was the weirdness that made me feel at home at Jim and Laureen's house. Now he is gone......I feel like a weirdo who nobody truly understands now.

-How I'll never get to scratch his back again,(he was kinda like a bear against a tree) and the kids will not get to play with Papa's hair (the kids would play with it and make it stick up in funny ways)

-How I only got to hear maybe a 1/8 (if that)of his funny stories about his life.

-How the kids only got one summer holiday to the cabin with him. How they were really just getting to know him like how the other kids knew him, and how he was just getting to know my kids developing personalites.

-How I never got to tell him how important he was to making me feel like "one of the family". I'm not saying that the others do not make me feel welcome, they do... but Jim made it feel familiar...he was crazy like my mom and her family. I think it is something about both all of them being born on an ISLAND ..I find people who lived on islands sense of humor is way more BENT than the rest of the world.


It is strange even though over at Cameron's mom's house I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me. They are funny people, without Jim there I feel a strange loneliness, I feel like a thumb on the hand... I'm important and I'm suppose to be there, but I'm not like the others....

I could identify with Jim.

Cameron and his mom are quite the similar ...and Jim and I were very much similar..... So when Cameron and I had personality clashes Jim understood in a way nobody else could, because Laureen and him would clash in similar ways....now that understanding is gone.

I feel ripped off.

I feel ripped off for my kids too.

We never got to meet Cameron's grandpa, or grandma, and now to loose Jim. So many of the people who meant so much to my husband while he was growing up and how I never got to know....our kids never got to know.

The thing that make s me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry are those who actually HAD the chance and THREW IT AWAY................for NO GOOD reason....just being petty and small.
They are STILL throwing it away...by not even attempting to make amends with those who are left...
It makes me want to ~~SCREAM~~~ at them....because my kids never got the chance.

I didn't get to see Jim when he was able to move and do as many things as he could before.
The time I got with him he was in pain the whole time. He didn't go out very much because due to the pain he was in. I only got to know "hurting sedate Jim" not "dancing with aunt Darlene at Christmas Jim".

It isn't fair.

I know my pain isn't as bad as Cameron's, or Laureen's. I do not profess it to be...I never would.

I can only speak of what I know and experience.

My kids missed out on my dad, my brother, my grandparents, Cameron's grandparents, and now their Papa. I worry that Nigel is too young to remember him...that as he ages..Jim will fade from his little mind. I worry about Sadie forgetting too, but because she is older I hope that she is old enough to remember some.

There is so much due to death, I never got a chance to know....so much my kids didn't get to know...

It isn't fair.......it just isn't fair

So if you are reading this think about that person(or people) who is(are) special to you, and even if you are mad at them for some silly thing, LET IT GO.... go back and spend time.. even if it is just a coffee every now and again..do it now! Because when it is gone...it is gone forever.

Really, are most of the things people get offended and angry about worth a life time of guilt when they die?? Not likely.

The inevitable....

Well something I had prayed wouldn't happen to Cameron for a long long long long time seems to be inevitable.
His dad, Jim is in the hospital (out in Kamloops because he was at the cabin when he got ill) it looks like he will not be coming out.

I want to be with Cameron. I want to be able to be sad. I thought I'd have the weekend alone to cry and get it out of my system, so I could be strong for Cameron and the kids, but I got a phone call this morning. It was my brother in-law and he was obviously upset and sounding very frazzled he had been on his way to take his two kids (13 and 16) to say their "good byes" but his youngest didn't want to go, couldn't bare the thought of seeing Papa so sick...so he was on the phone asking me if she could stay with me while I watch the dogs ( 4 dogs a German Shepherd/lab cross, a German Shepherd/blue healer cross, a German Shepherd mix something, and a beagle.) at Jim and Laureen's house

What could I say?? I had to say yes, even thought my heart wanted to be going with them to be with Cameron and to say good bye to Jim.... I know I could have gotten my mom to watch my kids for a few days. but they needed me here...with the youngest family members and the animals.

My nieces parents talked to her on the phone today to tell her "how it was looking" and for at least a half hour she was crying... not a weeping cry...but those hard ones that hurt your insides...It broke my heart all I wanted to do is cry...but *I'M* her support here, I'm her adult..I have to hold it together...I'm not the strong one in the family...but I managed to hold it together a tear or two fell but I didn't make a sound to cry.

I am sitting here in Jim's and Laureen's house almost every memory I have of Jim is HERE. I had to go in his room to look for the steam cleaner (I couldn't find it and one of the dogs peed on the floor UGH) and I opened his bedroom door and I was hit in the face with a brick of Jim's scent, now the smell as been lingering with me... following me around the house all day, and I can't be gone from the house because couple of the dogs will fight each other if not monitored (2 live here with Jim and Laureen and the other two live with Carolynn and Steve.) so I can't even run away from it, even for a while.

Cameron keeps asking me "How am I doing" but I can't tell him how I'm doing because no matter how bad I'm doing I know he is doing ten times worse (at least).
I never got to say "good bye to my dad, grandma, or Trevor.....but I also didn't have to see them die either...or see them afraid...So however "bad" I'm doing I will do my damnest not to let it show, especially since I'll probably have to be the one who explains it to our children (5 and 7 yrs). They know what death is, because of my dad and my brother ....they know it is forever.

I just feel horrible that they didn't get to know Jim better they only got one summer holiday to the cabin with them, Nigel only got 4 Xmases with him and Sadie only got 6 ... It is breaking my heart and to think about how lonely Laureen will be.. and how hard it is for me being here in their house how much more hard it will be for her....
I do not know if we even go a picture of Jim with our kids. other than the one where he is holding Sadie when she was first born.

I keep praying for a miracle. Some wondrous thing that will make this a happy ending, but every time I get updated on him, it isn't any better..
So I have to milk the most I can out of the smallest good things, like the woman who was sharing the hospital room with Jim offered her home to Cameron's family while they stayed in Kamloops, and that his brother made it up and patched things up with Jim and Jim responded to him (he hasn't been responding much because of being so ill)just so I do not completely break down.

All I want to do is call Cameron and hear his voice, but he needs his rest and I need to rest too. I have to talk to Emery tomorrow (our minister about possible funeral type stuff) I don't think I'm able to. But I have to.

I should sleep. I have no idea when I'm going home I need to get my keys out there so my cats can be fed. I figured I'd be home tomorrow, but now I'm unsure.

Last night I MAYBE got an hour sleep because of weird sensations I was having. The first one was what felt like a warm/hot breath on my neck (nobody in the room BTW) then another was something jarring the bed, then a ice cold chill, I almost felt like I was being tormented by ghosts all night long. I finally gave up on sleeping at 6 am (I had gone to bed a 2 am)

On top of that I had an interview today for a job.I swear I must have welts on my stomach from pinching myself so I wouldn't tear up or cry during the interview when I had to tell him about what was going on..in order to book my start date.

Lord give me strenght, and let me rest tonight. let everybody rest tonight.

Positive and negitive

Have you ever had somebody who you WISH would ask you to join in on something, but you do not want to hint to them about it, because then you feel like you forced your company upon them.

I had that happened recently. Talk about feeling forlorn...

I mean who wants to be included when you feel like you guilted people into including you. I was VERY tempted to hint and say something, but I felt if I did and got included it wouldn't feel half as good asi would if i was just included because they actually wanted to include me...so I was left behind, which isn't bad...

It just would have been fun to be included....OH well maybe next time.

I have been wrestling with my inner demons allot lately...things that I have always usually never stopped myself from feelling, but they are negative emotions..

**Negative emotions are emotions that you have that feed hate, envy, jealousy, self loathing and so on....Positive emotions are ones that feed feelings like joy, love, forgiveness and grace ( and I do not think enough people know the true meaning of the word "grace" ).**

Well on my road to self betterment, I have been wrestling with the inner feelings that feed the negative... I can only describe it as it "blackens my heart" or "damages my soul"

I know sounds kinda cheesy.... but hey everybody likes CHEESE.

Some negative emotions are easier to let go of than others.....I'm finding I'm having a heck of a time with envy and self loathing....but I have been keeping them to myself in order to work through them without effecting those around me in a negitive way, since they can do NOTHING about it anyhow.

I'm not feeling like people remember how I used to be......I used to let myself have these negitive emotions by the boat load ....before I "woke up".
Now I have much better control of them.....when I experience these feeling I tend to "keep quite" because if I start expressing them then they GROW and 90% of the time it the negitive feelings are not warranted, they are usually just knee jerk reactions (defence mechanism) to my past experiences that have conditioned me into negitive thought patterns (which I'm trying to break).

When I give myself sometime to mull it around in my brain I can usually come up with my TRUE feelings using logic AND emotion, and not just letting the emotion run the show.

However from what I can tell some people seem to ONLY be expecting the OLD amount of negative emotions to come back and be all out of control.....and sometimes it almost feels like they "want" me to behave that way.....Almost like now that I'm behaving somewhat more SANE they are put off balance and get confused because of being put off balance.

What I have noticed ( In mine and a few other situations my attention has been drawn to) people have a tendency to want to file people away into the little "notions" of how others are to be...their friends, their family, their spouse, and even their children.
Then when that person who looked like a round peg doesn't fit in the round hole the person doing the pegging gets frustrated, because the peg has corners which the pegger hasn't ever noticed before (or the peg has just evolved into) and needs a square hole.

People HATE it when you challenge their beliefs, especially if that "challenge" proves them to be wrong in some way. People HATE being WRONG, which is something I have never understood. I'm wrong all the time, learn from it and move on. Being wrong is just a lesson...not something to get ticked about.

Back to my analogy suddenly this seemingly round peg is actually a square peg...now the peg placer doesn't know what to do with this extra square peg because it only had a round whole for them. Some beggers take the time and whittle down the sides of the round hole and make a square hole...it takes time but they do it...others just throw the peg away therefore having one less peg...
Who would suffer there? The peg being tossed to try to find a hole it does fit, or the pegger left with an unfilled hole? Tough call.

People are like water THEY ADAPT...They evolve, They change. Sure it may SEEM like many do not because they still have the same traits over all, but think about yourself are you ANYTHING like the person you were 20 yrs ago? 10? 5?... NO, you have learned things and even if it is just changing inside your own head (your views on things or your priorities) People shouldn't use ONLY the past to asses a persons possible behavior, you have to use the behaviors from the present as well....I have been feeling misjudged...

I understand 30 years of usually behaving one way will take more than 2 years to prove the change.......without question.
I understand I took time to present as a round peg, and have only "found my corners" in the last two years (due to almost dying).
However having people expect the old behaviours from you does not make you want to continue working on the NEW ones simply because you start to feel " I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't"....and changing behaviour is HARD ENOUGH without having the added challenge of constantanly having to "PROVE" the change.
Let my actions speak for themselves, not what is THOUGHT to be is going on in my head.... half the time *I"M* not sure what is going on in my head...so how could anybody else?

I just ask..PLEASE consider my behaviors in the NOW not the BEFORE...

Thank you for taking the time to read this I hope I didn't ramble too much

The drives of reckoning

Wow this year has been a true time of reckoning for me...

For those of you who had been thinking that something was "wrong with me" lately or that I was upset... it was mostly wresting with the following in my head.

I have told Cameron that if he wants to go away to Vernon next summer for 7 weeks that it was fine by me..........and weirdly ........it is...

Do not get me wrong I'll miss him like crazy.... and I'll be out to visit him as much as time and $$ will allow.
This is obviously something he needs to do...Why??? I doubt I could ever fully understand (not being ARMY and all) .....
What I DO understand is missing all of those things you wish you could do, or want to do, but for various reasons you choose not to do....... be it time, money, obligations, responsibility, guilt, whatever.

The world is so huge and we can only do or be so many things in it. Every single choice narrows down our version of the world......
I wasn't about to narrow down his world on him, when it really didn't have to be...

He has always tried to be supportive with most everything I do.. He deserves at least the same support.

I have also come to the realization that I have to make sure he knows I "WANT" him not that I "NEED" him...

All the stupid love songs ,movies, and the people who regurgitate the sentiments in those movies and songs make you think that every person wants you "need" them. Need them so bad that you'd DIE without them, or that you would die for them, or die to be with them......

They make it out like it is the biggest ultimate act of love.......but my eyes are seeing clearer and it really ISN'T.......it is an act of control and manipulation.......I thought I was being so loving towards him by behaving like I was "needing" him...... but to my dismay I realize that it is "desired" and to feel "useful needed", NOT life or death needed...if that makes sense...Fortunately I still can be sure that he knows my TRUE feelings.
I have never wanted to be a "needy" person..and I know I have been in the past....... I do not know when I turned from somebody so head strong and feisty into somebody so introverted and fearful.....I do not like it and will not let it continue.............all of this just occurred to me on a drive home the other day.

Something else that occurred to me on a different drive home (geeze I think allot in the car, maybe that is why I like road trips so much)

The reason I'm so paranoid about what people think about me and if I look like a fool..... It is karma....every time that self loathing, self doubting, freak in my head rears its ugly head...I hear its cruel comments. Comments that are the EXACT ones *I* used to say as a uncaring and insensitive youth..... an example is when I was a teen and I saw a fat lady... (one the size I am now) I would turn and whisper to my friend something like "if I ever get that fat beat me to death with a two by four", or if I saw somebody not the "picture of perfect media beautiful" doing something and having fun, I would make fun of them and laugh at them behind their back.

The exact same thing I fear people doing to me...the unheard comments....the behind the back talking and laughing

Then I thought about "why I said use to say those hurtful things.......the truth was I felt very low.....unloved...unwanted....and used by every person who said they loved me, So the only way for me to feel good, or superior, and better than others was to put them down. Use them to prop myself up with ..so to speak.

WOW how cruel was I?????....

With that realization I have found it easier not to give a $hit about what the people who would make those comments think or say now.... It is strangely empowering to me, because I know WHY they'd say it if they did....weirdly this has given me courage.... and a bizarre sense of self esteem....almost like I have paid my kamatic debt and I'm in the clear...to start fresh

I had to be completely torn down and broken in order to feel and understand......having the misconceptions and the self delusions destroyed in order to experience how bad it feels...so I can gain TRUE perspective as well as to have grace and patients for those around me who still haven't "cleared their vision". Now that I have all that....I am not going to waste it.

An Epiphany...of sorts

Well it all started last Wednesday night.......

I was watching Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic ( description below)
The Brookhaven Rehabilitation Centre in New York is home to 75 of America's fattest people who are desperate to lose the weight that is killing them. The emergency services struggle to save 750 pound Dennis Davis as he's suffocated by his own weight. Caught on camera - the food addicts who cheat 400 pound Tammy Shannon breaks the rules to smuggle in fat-laden junk food and Ex-gang member, Vincent Tucker, is 700lbs of pure attitude. Two heart attacks by the age of 27 means he has to change his "bad boy" ways if he's to survive. Former Brookhaven success story George Cuadrado (611 lbs.) is back again after just eleven months.

WOW were these people fat. it was heart breaking. They were talking about how they were going to die if they didn't stop...yet they can't stop because humans need food to live...(it would be like asking a crack addict to only take .5 cc per day while having a never ending supply at hand and seeeing it everywhere................impossible......)

Well I had been watching this upstairs because Sadie was in the tub, ( I like being near her in the water to be sure things are going okay)..... WELL Nigel was watching the show with me on and off too... then he stood between me and the TV with a very distressed look on his little face...I asked him what was wrong. He looked and pointed at me, then looked and pointed at the TV. Looking even more sad and worried he said "I don't want you to do that", and he pointed back at the TV. at the show. ( I of course reassured him that mommy will not do that)

It really bothered me that he drew that line from them to me.....why would he draw that line....to him do I look like a 400 lb-750 lbs person?

I noticed the pictures of me at the church picnic hung at church a few days later. I could distinctly remember at those moments how "nice " I thought I looked....then to see the pictures......

OH GEEZE do pictures say 1000 words. I could see my arms and the rest of me. How "not nice" I actually was which made me question " I'm I obese?"

Well I went to Cameron and said the dreaded words NO PERSON ever wants to hear from people they care about. I said, "If I ask you something will you tell me the truth no matter how much you think it may hurt my feelings, because I need to know?"

He had the "oh shit" look on his face and said, "Yes"

I asked my dreaded question, "Am I obese?"

He paused then answered "Yes" but then reassured me that he love me no matter how I look....it is Lorna he loves, not Lorna's body....(although we does and has a favorite part or two ....TEE-HEE)

I love him for that...and so many other reasons ....... I can always trust him to be there for me when I needed him ................and I needed him to be there with the truth.
How many men would give you the honest answer like that even knowing it is something you need to hear, but do not want to know,...but have to know..

Well I thought about the obese thing for most of Sunday. When I got home and Cameron went to bed I then I looked online to see what the categories are for weight for over weight, obese, and morbidly obese

I have always known how many pounds overweight I am, and NOW I'm finally able to do something about it, with all of all my surgeries and procedures being done and over with, as well as being given the okay to go back to full activities. ( I was okayed before , but then my stomach was hurting and I had to get a hematomin drained .... that was the last procedure I had done). I always looked at myself as "chubby", "big", "chunky"," over weight" but never obese.

Now I know I am 110 lbs. over weight, that hasn't change ( it will but it hasn't yet ..really I was only give the okay a couple weeks ago....so it wouldn't have) in fact I weight less now than I did when I was married... but again I never thought of myself as "obese" ...just overweight.......

My BMI ( body mass index is 40.8) it should be between 18-25 UGH....but it was 44.6 when I got married, I managed to get it down to 34.3 before all the surgeries started, but because of not being ALLOWED/able to work out I packed 30 lbs back on....gggrrrrrrrr.

I will do it again...I have to... I can not stand the sight of myself.....

That and I KNOW what I need to do.

However I am writing this blog to vent the emotions that I have been going over the last few days....I have been incredibly weepy, it isn't easy to admit morbid obesity to yourself. Even thought (and Cameron pointed this out) I haven't gained anything since before I knew...so what has changed ...just the wording really I have always had to loose 110 lbs. and I knew this..so why am I so incredibly upset about it now??

I realize it is the shame that goes hand in hand with the word...and the guilt, even though the 30lbs (out of the 60 lost) I gained back was not fully my fault. I wasn't able/allowed to do activity for a long time...but I did keep half of it off still..I concede that I still could have made better eating choices though. But over all that is a good thing.

It is hard it is one of the major things we need to live and it can kill us too...ugh....I feel guilty because of being obese my anxiety disorder was unbearable (BEFORE I almost died with the infection in the hospital) It was based from me being fat.
I felt that I was too fat to be seen, I didn't want to run into old b/f, or friends...because I could hear the "Oh I saw Lorna the other day and she is HUGE and fat...she has really let herself go" and I felt that the world shouldn't have to be punished by having to look at my disgusting body. I put myself and the people I care about through hell....and it was hell...everyday afraid to go out and bee seen by people I know, including extended family....The near death hospital thing really put the time I was wasting into perspective.....but not the weight part.

I am a morbidly obese woman. I am at risk of at LEAST a dozen serious health issues, and at least that many minor ones, which is worse than the ones for just obese, and the same for overweight... The only person who can do anything about it is the person who stares back from the mirror at me....even if I dislike her...she is worth knowing at her best...and she isn't and that HAS to change.

The post was seeming like (as I mulled it over for the last few days) like it was going to be very upsetting, hopeless, and depressing....but after speaking with two very wonderful people in my life at length about it. I realize it isn't a bleak as it was feeling. Since I realized I am morbidly obese I have wanted to run screaming and tearing my flesh from my body like a person who is wearing clothes that are on fire......the most agonizing thing for me right now is I know in order to get to my ultimate goal weight (135lbs) if I did everything absolutely perfect....the healthy rate of weight loss is 2.5 lbs. per week I'm still looking at 11 months........ but that also doesn't include plateaus that can stall your weight loss for a few weeks before you can break through them... but I am burning now! These "burning clothes" are burning me now.. and I want it off..if I loose the weight too rapidly though ,the chance of regaining and gaining extra on top is WAY higher...

I did get some inspiration today in the form of a little red headed German lady .... I do not know exactly how old she is but I know she is a senior... and she knocked on my door today to ask ME if she could come and work out with me because she is feeling motivated to work out and get in better shape......wow...I hope if I need to loose weight when I'm her age I have the guts to do it... it made me feel foolish for being embarrassed to go the gym that all the other mom's from the preschool go to, just because they are all thin.This little German lady said she would like to go with me to that very gym at that very time...so hell if she can do it...I'm foolish to think be apprehensive about it.

Well this post is getting plenty long, I'm sure the rest of you have things you need to do other than read my blog, but thank you for reading it ..I know I can get long winded at times...but I do appreciate all the people who DO take time out of their day to read about my struggles, hopes, memories and joys.

FINALLY!!!

After much much reading and learning I have found and figured out how to use a different blog skin so my blog better reflects my personality, then templates were NOT me in anyway. I think this one is it :)

Well the last month or so has been QUITE the trauma and drama, I had some dear friend(s) of mine in utter drama, with relationships, dead lines, and the various other things that create uber wabs of stress.

The trauma part was me stressing out about my husband's work change..... or more over all the fun things that comes changing jobs. That and the normal stress I experience over how the kids are doing in school, how good of a house keeper I am, how good of a mother am I, or am I just bestowing my horrid habits onto my children.

UGH THE STRESS AND GUILT!!! ALWAYS WITH THE GUILT!

There isn't a minute that goes by were I do not question what I'm doing. UGH!

Some more trauma was caused by the whole WEIGHT issues that is always LOOMING LOOMING LOOOOOOOOOOOMING over me..

The real me is trapped deep inside this fat lady and I can't seem to get out....I am trying weight watchers now...UGH I have tried so many things...I hope this is the one that works for me... I do not think I could take it if it didn't...My husband is always very helpful and supportive of me and always makes sure I know he loves me not matter what my size is.

Just for once in my life *I* would like to love me.......I never have....not even once...

Plus all the added ~~~STRESS~~~ of getting drained on the 9th. I have no idea what I'm fully in for. I am trying to make like I do not have any issues with it... but I do not think I'm doing a very good job. I do not think anything will go wrong. I'm just worried that it will not remedy the pain I have been having...and if it doesn't, that leaves me in a quandary.
Do I save myself the heartache and trauma of more poking and prodding just keeping my mouth shut and live with it, or continue trying to get them to "track it down".
I'm just sick of it all and I'm REALLY leaning towards keeping my mouth shut unless my guts start literally falling out.

Well This is my first blog on blogspot.