What is lost

Well it is looking like the funeral will be held on the 8th of Sept 1:30 pm at our church.

I keep having sudden out bursts of sorrow and weeping, then I'm okay....then I'm crying again. The outbursts mostly happen when I think of things like:

-The fact that over the ten years I knew him, I only got one hug from him ever and that was on my wedding day.

-That I never got to tell him that I loved him...

-When I say something at the house. (the house being Laureen and Jim's place) Something that Jim would have ran with it. Then we would have been going back and forth, either cracking up OR grossing out the others. Now I say something and it gets left behind. There is no laughing......

-How little time my kids and I got with him. How angry I feel when I think of all the time the others had and how some of them wasted it by being petty and small.

-He was the weirdness that made me feel at home at Jim and Laureen's house. Now he is gone......I feel like a weirdo who nobody truly understands now.

-How I'll never get to scratch his back again,(he was kinda like a bear against a tree) and the kids will not get to play with Papa's hair (the kids would play with it and make it stick up in funny ways)

-How I only got to hear maybe a 1/8 (if that)of his funny stories about his life.

-How the kids only got one summer holiday to the cabin with him. How they were really just getting to know him like how the other kids knew him, and how he was just getting to know my kids developing personalites.

-How I never got to tell him how important he was to making me feel like "one of the family". I'm not saying that the others do not make me feel welcome, they do... but Jim made it feel familiar...he was crazy like my mom and her family. I think it is something about both all of them being born on an ISLAND ..I find people who lived on islands sense of humor is way more BENT than the rest of the world.


It is strange even though over at Cameron's mom's house I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me. They are funny people, without Jim there I feel a strange loneliness, I feel like a thumb on the hand... I'm important and I'm suppose to be there, but I'm not like the others....

I could identify with Jim.

Cameron and his mom are quite the similar ...and Jim and I were very much similar..... So when Cameron and I had personality clashes Jim understood in a way nobody else could, because Laureen and him would clash in similar ways....now that understanding is gone.

I feel ripped off.

I feel ripped off for my kids too.

We never got to meet Cameron's grandpa, or grandma, and now to loose Jim. So many of the people who meant so much to my husband while he was growing up and how I never got to know....our kids never got to know.

The thing that make s me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry are those who actually HAD the chance and THREW IT AWAY................for NO GOOD reason....just being petty and small.
They are STILL throwing it away...by not even attempting to make amends with those who are left...
It makes me want to ~~SCREAM~~~ at them....because my kids never got the chance.

I didn't get to see Jim when he was able to move and do as many things as he could before.
The time I got with him he was in pain the whole time. He didn't go out very much because due to the pain he was in. I only got to know "hurting sedate Jim" not "dancing with aunt Darlene at Christmas Jim".

It isn't fair.

I know my pain isn't as bad as Cameron's, or Laureen's. I do not profess it to be...I never would.

I can only speak of what I know and experience.

My kids missed out on my dad, my brother, my grandparents, Cameron's grandparents, and now their Papa. I worry that Nigel is too young to remember him...that as he ages..Jim will fade from his little mind. I worry about Sadie forgetting too, but because she is older I hope that she is old enough to remember some.

There is so much due to death, I never got a chance to know....so much my kids didn't get to know...

It isn't fair.......it just isn't fair

So if you are reading this think about that person(or people) who is(are) special to you, and even if you are mad at them for some silly thing, LET IT GO.... go back and spend time.. even if it is just a coffee every now and again..do it now! Because when it is gone...it is gone forever.

Really, are most of the things people get offended and angry about worth a life time of guilt when they die?? Not likely.

Where is credit deserved?

Have you ever had something that completely alters how you look at everything, life, death, time, things of importance?

I had one. I spent 20 days in the hospital not knowing if I was going to live or die....over those 20 days I had more than enough time to think. I missed Christmas day, and New Years Eve.
I tell you I sat there in the hospital room frustrated and upset crying so hard they would medicate me just for a moments peace.....I do not blame them....I would have medicated the hell outta me too...

I was frustrated, because the "doctor was on holiday" and other tech people were on "holiday" which left me having nothing done. No answers, with a fever, not eating (because the mere thought of food made me wretch), no reprieve from the sweats and the chills, with my complexion utterly gray.
I looked dead. With 3 liters of Staph infection fluid in your gut you would too.

They didn't have my favorite channels (Teletoon and Space) on the TV that cost 11$ a day to have so IN between "what not to wear", " Holmes on homes", and "Extreme home makeovers" I had too much time to reflect on my life. How I treat people, all the time I was wasting due to my anxiety disorder and clinical depression, not being under control. The first thing I did after I got home was talk to my doctor about getting in to see mental health. I wanted to get more out of myself, so I could get more out of life. To be able to be the independent person I am.


I used to be terrified to do the simplest things, to drive my car, talk to somebody I didn't know. I used to not get very much enjoyment from anybody around me, or any activities. I used to stay in the house and hide behind my computer, hating myself more and more each day.

Since Jan 2006? How have I changed?

- I have a few hobbies ( drawing, sewing, beading, scribing, scroll painting)
-quite a few friends I hang out with regularly
-I drive places I'm NOT 100% familiar with without anxiety attacks.
- I wear some makeup almost everyday
-I dress nicer
- I try to get in on conversations with people I'm not familiar with in a social scene.
-I speak my mind more even when it is something the person I'm speaking too doesn't want to hear
-I do not punk out from social events like I used to because of my anxiety disorder
- have taken up archery
-I am more outgoing, not an extrovert, but I'm not hiding in a corner anymore either.
-I started to support Cameron in his hobby/work (it started as a hobby but became a second job) by going to the social gatherings they have, by chatting with his friends, and go out of my way to make/get things for their kids, cooking for them, doing the photo albums, scanning various documents, not getting angry when he has things on weekends, not being upset or afraid when it calls him away for week 2-10 days, helping him think of way that the other spouses might be included.
-taking more time to play with my kids
- taking them to field trips (I had anxiety attacks for the first few Nigel had to go to, so I'd missed them)
-arranging playdates for the kids
-trying to become a better listener and a more effective communicator.
-going to weight watchers, even thought I was terrified
-doing the things it will take for me to like myself.
-I am in better control of my emotions, even when I get upset ( not 100% but better than It was)

Family and friends have said I have done a complete 180 degree turn from what I used to be.

However, I seem to still have obstacles to face. The biggest one is due to the mistrust of others to believe that I have changed, and that I have no inclination to return to the way I was before....

Before I was sitting on the sidelines watching everybody else go through and enjoy life, so I was despising and envying them for it.

Yes I still have feelings. I will not be happy about everything that happens and I will say as much.
For example: if there is an event that Cam has the same day I have something I want to do, which means I can't do my thing ( he gets paid for his as I said it is a second job), yes I'm going to be annoyed, yes I'm going to be disappointment.........I may even mention it now and again.........am I not entitled to express SOME of my feelings?

Am I going to get so upset that I cry, or guilt trip, or yell, and nag him till he is at wits end?
NO not like I used to.

I never liked being that person....I am liking the person I'm becoming (becasue I'm always a work in progress we all are)

I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I know I'm far from perfect, but sometimes I feel that all the HUGE steps I've made over the last year have been forgotten.
Many people would take years to get to were I am now, from were I started....I have done it in a little over a year.

I do not expect a parade. I just wish people would believe that "the other shoe is not going to fall" and have me revert back to the way I was, not after all of this work.... and it is work....every single day.

Sometimes it seems like the amount of effort and courage it took to admit I had issues, let alone go and get help, and TAKE that help for it is completely disregarded.
There are people who have all kinds of issuses that they NEVER get any help with.....because they think they can handle it....... when truth be known they are making everybody around them crazy.

Yes I changed my life for me, but I also did it for the people I love.
I just wish there was a way I could make people understand, but I can't.....
All I can do is to keep doing what I'm doing....and hope they see.