Frustration

Well today I am sooo frustrated it isn't even funny.

I got a new job 2 weeks ago, I will not mention where as I do not want to have people think ill of that company due to my venting.

I did my training days and was given my uniform. Just before my 1st " on the floor shift" I tried on my uniform ( I wasn't able to try it on earlier due to time constraints), it didn't fit, the pants would not do up and the shirt have gaps between the buttons due to pulling. 
I looked at the size, it was 2 sizes smaller than what was suppose to have been ordered.  UGH! So I put on the shirt with a bra that  made the gaps pretty much unnoticeable..and a pair of black dress pants. The uniform should have dark brown pants, but I thought I might be able to get to work, just until I get replacement parts.

So off to work I went.

I get there. The manager had not noticed I wasn't wearing the correct pants until I said " oh by the way the pants didn't fit" she took a double look at the pants I had on and said "sorry but you can't  work in those you will need to go home"

So i missed out on the 4 hours I was scheduled for that day, and the 4 for the next day.

GREAT just what somebody who has been out of work for 4 months needs ..no income!

Then I was told we will call you when it comes it, and I'll let you know what your schedule is"

She finally calls me back.. okay the uniform should be there on Tuesday and you work Weds, Thurs and Friday, and Sunday.

I called yesterday to see in the uniform showed up, still no uniform...I was told that the person who delivers them would be there today (weds) Well I get to work today....NO UNIFORM!!! they where going to send me home again when I suggested finishing off the training vids I had not gotten to yet.

I was hoping in that time my uniform would arrive and then I could finish out my shift. Well no such luck. My 8 hour day was only a 2 hour day and I have no idea if I'll be working tomorrow or not.
I'm suppose to "get a phone call today" to let me know. So I will be loosing even MORE time I can NOT afford to loose.

I am sooo frustrated.

I offered to go and get the uniform from where ever it is but they said it is from out of town and I couldn't.

I am at wits end!!! I am ready to scream!!!

Oh and to top that off I MAY be making a dollar less than I thought I'd be making.... OOOOOH AWESOME!

I feel like the harder I try, the harder I get booted down. I'm just going to stop trying at this rate.

What is lost

Well it is looking like the funeral will be held on the 8th of Sept 1:30 pm at our church.

I keep having sudden out bursts of sorrow and weeping, then I'm okay....then I'm crying again. The outbursts mostly happen when I think of things like:

-The fact that over the ten years I knew him, I only got one hug from him ever and that was on my wedding day.

-That I never got to tell him that I loved him...

-When I say something at the house. (the house being Laureen and Jim's place) Something that Jim would have ran with it. Then we would have been going back and forth, either cracking up OR grossing out the others. Now I say something and it gets left behind. There is no laughing......

-How little time my kids and I got with him. How angry I feel when I think of all the time the others had and how some of them wasted it by being petty and small.

-He was the weirdness that made me feel at home at Jim and Laureen's house. Now he is gone......I feel like a weirdo who nobody truly understands now.

-How I'll never get to scratch his back again,(he was kinda like a bear against a tree) and the kids will not get to play with Papa's hair (the kids would play with it and make it stick up in funny ways)

-How I only got to hear maybe a 1/8 (if that)of his funny stories about his life.

-How the kids only got one summer holiday to the cabin with him. How they were really just getting to know him like how the other kids knew him, and how he was just getting to know my kids developing personalites.

-How I never got to tell him how important he was to making me feel like "one of the family". I'm not saying that the others do not make me feel welcome, they do... but Jim made it feel familiar...he was crazy like my mom and her family. I think it is something about both all of them being born on an ISLAND ..I find people who lived on islands sense of humor is way more BENT than the rest of the world.


It is strange even though over at Cameron's mom's house I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me. They are funny people, without Jim there I feel a strange loneliness, I feel like a thumb on the hand... I'm important and I'm suppose to be there, but I'm not like the others....

I could identify with Jim.

Cameron and his mom are quite the similar ...and Jim and I were very much similar..... So when Cameron and I had personality clashes Jim understood in a way nobody else could, because Laureen and him would clash in similar ways....now that understanding is gone.

I feel ripped off.

I feel ripped off for my kids too.

We never got to meet Cameron's grandpa, or grandma, and now to loose Jim. So many of the people who meant so much to my husband while he was growing up and how I never got to know....our kids never got to know.

The thing that make s me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry are those who actually HAD the chance and THREW IT AWAY................for NO GOOD reason....just being petty and small.
They are STILL throwing it away...by not even attempting to make amends with those who are left...
It makes me want to ~~SCREAM~~~ at them....because my kids never got the chance.

I didn't get to see Jim when he was able to move and do as many things as he could before.
The time I got with him he was in pain the whole time. He didn't go out very much because due to the pain he was in. I only got to know "hurting sedate Jim" not "dancing with aunt Darlene at Christmas Jim".

It isn't fair.

I know my pain isn't as bad as Cameron's, or Laureen's. I do not profess it to be...I never would.

I can only speak of what I know and experience.

My kids missed out on my dad, my brother, my grandparents, Cameron's grandparents, and now their Papa. I worry that Nigel is too young to remember him...that as he ages..Jim will fade from his little mind. I worry about Sadie forgetting too, but because she is older I hope that she is old enough to remember some.

There is so much due to death, I never got a chance to know....so much my kids didn't get to know...

It isn't fair.......it just isn't fair

So if you are reading this think about that person(or people) who is(are) special to you, and even if you are mad at them for some silly thing, LET IT GO.... go back and spend time.. even if it is just a coffee every now and again..do it now! Because when it is gone...it is gone forever.

Really, are most of the things people get offended and angry about worth a life time of guilt when they die?? Not likely.

It's over

It is over, He has passed. I got the call from Cameron this evening.

My stomach hurts.

I had just texted messaged Cameron that Sadie had just looked at me and said "You wanna know what I'm thinking?? I'm thinking Papa isn't going to make it"

The first thing Cameron said to me when he called was "Sadie knew , I don't know how she knew, but she knew what was going on"

I asked "It's over" Cam said yes....

the rest of the details do not need to be shared....

I'm having a hard time...I do not want to lie to Sadie, but Cameron doesn't want me to have to deal with them learning about this on my own.

I wish I was with Cameron, I want to be there for him.

Ugh my stomach hurts and my eyes feel like they are BLEEDING from all the crying.

update on the situation

I am home now I got home at 10 last night, Cameron's sister and brother in-law came home yesterday, so they have their two dogs home and they also can comfort their daughter in a way I never could.
It looks like my brother in-law and my nephew are staying at Laureen and Jim's place until Laureen gets back. which I'm glad for because I was worried it was just going to be my nephew by himself there.. which was hard enough for me...I don't even want to think about how hard it would be for him...so when I was told Steve would be staying with him I was relieved.

yesterday I went to Church. I love the people at my church, always there to help....Cameron had asked the minister (via phone) to say a special prayer for his dad and the whole family, but he asked if he could do it AFTER the kids had gone downstairs to Sunday school. Emery did just that he waited, which I'm glad for ...because I had had Sadie , Nigel and my niece with me. I knew when the prayer started I would not be able to keep the tears from coming. During coffee they also would come to offer "words of comfort", but would stop immediately when I darted my eyes to the kids letting the comforter know that I COULDN'T talk about it with the kids there.

Now do not get me wrong the kids will know, my niece already knows some of what is happening. But we want to wait to tell ours until he has actually passed before saying anything and we want to be together when we do it .....thank god, because I do not know how I would handle it alone, although I have no clue how well Cameron is going to be able to talk to them about it do, I'm sure he'll be good but the kids haven't really seen daddy get upset....so it may weird them out.

This has all been a bit of a shock...I mean we knew his health wasn't the best, but had no clue it was THIS bad. last week nobody would have even entertained the idea that he would be lingering on the edge of death....since Thursday our worlds have just been flipped upside down... we are trying to be more kind with the kids and break it to them very carefully, My two know that Papa is very sick and is in the hospital.

It seems like the universe is trying to help us with breaking the news to the kids. We have been watching various movies and the topic of death keeps coming up in them...a bridge to terabithia (sp?) a character dies in it and it is very very very sad (I do not want to give out details just incase you haven't seen it) it took everything I had not to cry...this not crying business is HARD...then the pokemon movie one of the little characters pokemon thingies died, and then corpse bride, all with huge scene involving death. Okay the corpse bride I was kind of expecting death type scenes but not the other two! Nigel started to cry when the pokemon died...I had to comfort him and try not to think about the conversation that we'd be having with him all TOO soon.

Then a phone call came in it was my friend, she asked if I'd be up for her to pop by for a tea..I said sure..

I'm sitting at the computer when the door bell just started ringing ringing ringing. ( a trademark of one of my other friends Marion) So I figured oh Marion has popped by...

I open the door to see Stacey , Marion and Mama (her nickname it is Marion's mom who is kind of motherly to everybody) Mama was holding a card, gladiolas, and they brought arm loads of "casseroles" to help out while we are having such a sorrow filled time.

I have never been moved so many times but the kind acts of others as I have been being during this time. I must say I'm surprised and thankful. it doesn't take the hurting and sorrow away but it does give you hope and faith, which is what everybody needs specially at times like this

The inevitable....

Well something I had prayed wouldn't happen to Cameron for a long long long long time seems to be inevitable.
His dad, Jim is in the hospital (out in Kamloops because he was at the cabin when he got ill) it looks like he will not be coming out.

I want to be with Cameron. I want to be able to be sad. I thought I'd have the weekend alone to cry and get it out of my system, so I could be strong for Cameron and the kids, but I got a phone call this morning. It was my brother in-law and he was obviously upset and sounding very frazzled he had been on his way to take his two kids (13 and 16) to say their "good byes" but his youngest didn't want to go, couldn't bare the thought of seeing Papa so sick...so he was on the phone asking me if she could stay with me while I watch the dogs ( 4 dogs a German Shepherd/lab cross, a German Shepherd/blue healer cross, a German Shepherd mix something, and a beagle.) at Jim and Laureen's house

What could I say?? I had to say yes, even thought my heart wanted to be going with them to be with Cameron and to say good bye to Jim.... I know I could have gotten my mom to watch my kids for a few days. but they needed me here...with the youngest family members and the animals.

My nieces parents talked to her on the phone today to tell her "how it was looking" and for at least a half hour she was crying... not a weeping cry...but those hard ones that hurt your insides...It broke my heart all I wanted to do is cry...but *I'M* her support here, I'm her adult..I have to hold it together...I'm not the strong one in the family...but I managed to hold it together a tear or two fell but I didn't make a sound to cry.

I am sitting here in Jim's and Laureen's house almost every memory I have of Jim is HERE. I had to go in his room to look for the steam cleaner (I couldn't find it and one of the dogs peed on the floor UGH) and I opened his bedroom door and I was hit in the face with a brick of Jim's scent, now the smell as been lingering with me... following me around the house all day, and I can't be gone from the house because couple of the dogs will fight each other if not monitored (2 live here with Jim and Laureen and the other two live with Carolynn and Steve.) so I can't even run away from it, even for a while.

Cameron keeps asking me "How am I doing" but I can't tell him how I'm doing because no matter how bad I'm doing I know he is doing ten times worse (at least).
I never got to say "good bye to my dad, grandma, or Trevor.....but I also didn't have to see them die either...or see them afraid...So however "bad" I'm doing I will do my damnest not to let it show, especially since I'll probably have to be the one who explains it to our children (5 and 7 yrs). They know what death is, because of my dad and my brother ....they know it is forever.

I just feel horrible that they didn't get to know Jim better they only got one summer holiday to the cabin with them, Nigel only got 4 Xmases with him and Sadie only got 6 ... It is breaking my heart and to think about how lonely Laureen will be.. and how hard it is for me being here in their house how much more hard it will be for her....
I do not know if we even go a picture of Jim with our kids. other than the one where he is holding Sadie when she was first born.

I keep praying for a miracle. Some wondrous thing that will make this a happy ending, but every time I get updated on him, it isn't any better..
So I have to milk the most I can out of the smallest good things, like the woman who was sharing the hospital room with Jim offered her home to Cameron's family while they stayed in Kamloops, and that his brother made it up and patched things up with Jim and Jim responded to him (he hasn't been responding much because of being so ill)just so I do not completely break down.

All I want to do is call Cameron and hear his voice, but he needs his rest and I need to rest too. I have to talk to Emery tomorrow (our minister about possible funeral type stuff) I don't think I'm able to. But I have to.

I should sleep. I have no idea when I'm going home I need to get my keys out there so my cats can be fed. I figured I'd be home tomorrow, but now I'm unsure.

Last night I MAYBE got an hour sleep because of weird sensations I was having. The first one was what felt like a warm/hot breath on my neck (nobody in the room BTW) then another was something jarring the bed, then a ice cold chill, I almost felt like I was being tormented by ghosts all night long. I finally gave up on sleeping at 6 am (I had gone to bed a 2 am)

On top of that I had an interview today for a job.I swear I must have welts on my stomach from pinching myself so I wouldn't tear up or cry during the interview when I had to tell him about what was going on..in order to book my start date.

Lord give me strenght, and let me rest tonight. let everybody rest tonight.

Positive and negitive

Have you ever had somebody who you WISH would ask you to join in on something, but you do not want to hint to them about it, because then you feel like you forced your company upon them.

I had that happened recently. Talk about feeling forlorn...

I mean who wants to be included when you feel like you guilted people into including you. I was VERY tempted to hint and say something, but I felt if I did and got included it wouldn't feel half as good asi would if i was just included because they actually wanted to include me...so I was left behind, which isn't bad...

It just would have been fun to be included....OH well maybe next time.

I have been wrestling with my inner demons allot lately...things that I have always usually never stopped myself from feelling, but they are negative emotions..

**Negative emotions are emotions that you have that feed hate, envy, jealousy, self loathing and so on....Positive emotions are ones that feed feelings like joy, love, forgiveness and grace ( and I do not think enough people know the true meaning of the word "grace" ).**

Well on my road to self betterment, I have been wrestling with the inner feelings that feed the negative... I can only describe it as it "blackens my heart" or "damages my soul"

I know sounds kinda cheesy.... but hey everybody likes CHEESE.

Some negative emotions are easier to let go of than others.....I'm finding I'm having a heck of a time with envy and self loathing....but I have been keeping them to myself in order to work through them without effecting those around me in a negitive way, since they can do NOTHING about it anyhow.

I'm not feeling like people remember how I used to be......I used to let myself have these negitive emotions by the boat load ....before I "woke up".
Now I have much better control of them.....when I experience these feeling I tend to "keep quite" because if I start expressing them then they GROW and 90% of the time it the negitive feelings are not warranted, they are usually just knee jerk reactions (defence mechanism) to my past experiences that have conditioned me into negitive thought patterns (which I'm trying to break).

When I give myself sometime to mull it around in my brain I can usually come up with my TRUE feelings using logic AND emotion, and not just letting the emotion run the show.

However from what I can tell some people seem to ONLY be expecting the OLD amount of negative emotions to come back and be all out of control.....and sometimes it almost feels like they "want" me to behave that way.....Almost like now that I'm behaving somewhat more SANE they are put off balance and get confused because of being put off balance.

What I have noticed ( In mine and a few other situations my attention has been drawn to) people have a tendency to want to file people away into the little "notions" of how others are to be...their friends, their family, their spouse, and even their children.
Then when that person who looked like a round peg doesn't fit in the round hole the person doing the pegging gets frustrated, because the peg has corners which the pegger hasn't ever noticed before (or the peg has just evolved into) and needs a square hole.

People HATE it when you challenge their beliefs, especially if that "challenge" proves them to be wrong in some way. People HATE being WRONG, which is something I have never understood. I'm wrong all the time, learn from it and move on. Being wrong is just a lesson...not something to get ticked about.

Back to my analogy suddenly this seemingly round peg is actually a square peg...now the peg placer doesn't know what to do with this extra square peg because it only had a round whole for them. Some beggers take the time and whittle down the sides of the round hole and make a square hole...it takes time but they do it...others just throw the peg away therefore having one less peg...
Who would suffer there? The peg being tossed to try to find a hole it does fit, or the pegger left with an unfilled hole? Tough call.

People are like water THEY ADAPT...They evolve, They change. Sure it may SEEM like many do not because they still have the same traits over all, but think about yourself are you ANYTHING like the person you were 20 yrs ago? 10? 5?... NO, you have learned things and even if it is just changing inside your own head (your views on things or your priorities) People shouldn't use ONLY the past to asses a persons possible behavior, you have to use the behaviors from the present as well....I have been feeling misjudged...

I understand 30 years of usually behaving one way will take more than 2 years to prove the change.......without question.
I understand I took time to present as a round peg, and have only "found my corners" in the last two years (due to almost dying).
However having people expect the old behaviours from you does not make you want to continue working on the NEW ones simply because you start to feel " I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't"....and changing behaviour is HARD ENOUGH without having the added challenge of constantanly having to "PROVE" the change.
Let my actions speak for themselves, not what is THOUGHT to be is going on in my head.... half the time *I"M* not sure what is going on in my head...so how could anybody else?

I just ask..PLEASE consider my behaviors in the NOW not the BEFORE...

Thank you for taking the time to read this I hope I didn't ramble too much

*SIGH* not again.

I have come to the disturbing realization that I have an "attention seeker" in my life.

For those of you who do not know this is a personality disorder, I've included definition and symptoms below.

Attention seeking

Like most personality disorders, attention seeking occurs to different degrees in different people and reveals itself in many ways. When present in excess the short-term benefits are outweighed by long-term unsustainability which can, and often does, lead to disaster.

The need for attention is paramount to the person. He or she will do or say anything to obtain that attention.

In most (although not all) cases, the identified attention seekers as a female whose objective is to demonstrate to the world what a wonderful, kind, caring, compassionate person she is. Bold pronouncements, a prominent position, gushing insincere empathy.

The Attention-Seeker

Motivation: to be the centre of attention

Mindset: control freak, manipulation, narcissism

Malice: medium to high; and when held accountable for their actions, very high

• emotionally immature
• selectively friendly - is sickly sweet to some people, rude and offhand to others, and ignores the rest
• is cold and aggressive towards anyone who sees them for what they really are or exposes their strategies for gaining attention
• over-friendly with their new target, especially in the initial stages of a new working relationship
• over-helpful, with their new target, especially in the initial stages of a new working relationship
• overgenerous, with their new target, especially in the initial stages of a new working relationship
• manipulative of people's perceptions, but in an amateur and childish manner
• manipulative with guilt, but in an amateur and childish manner
• sycophantic, fawning, toadying
• uses flattery to keep a person in authority on side
• everything is a drama, usually a poor-me drama
• prefers not to solve problems in own life so that they can be used and re-used for gaining sympathy and attention
• capitalizes on issues and uses them as a soapbox for gaining attention
• exploits others' suffering and grief as a vehicle for gaining attention
• misappropriates others' statements or behaviors, e.g. anything which can be misconstrued as hostil towards them, for control and attention-seeking
• excusitis, makes excuses for everything ( in order to sometimes justify behaviors)
• shows a lot of indignation, especially when challenged
• lots of self-pity
• often as incredibly miserable, apart from carefully constructed moments of charm when in the act of deceiving
• demanding of others ( more so than of themselves)
• easily provoked
• feigns victim-hood when held accountable, usually by bursting into tears, arguing or claiming they're the one being bullied, harassed, or mistreated
• presents as a false victim when outwitted
• may feign exclusion, isolation or persecution
• malicious
• constantly tries and will do almost anything, or turn conversations so they can be in the spotlight
• may include Munchausen Syndrome
• the focus of their life is to be the centre of attention, even if they are unaware of it.
  

I had another person in my life quite a few months ago who started off doing MANY of these very same things....this was the "friend" of 15 years I had to completely remove from my life because she had been hurting too many people I care about, and being an emotional vampire.

I do not want to remove another person from my life....but I am finding being around them is getting to be very draining.

I care about this person, but I doubt they would even admit to themselves that he/she is behaving like this...which would be the most important first step.

I have been agonizing how to put all this into words that made sense. I do not want to be somebody who jumps to conclusions...but the more I see...the more I see a problem. This is something that I need to mull over much more.....I pray that I am wrong, but I doubt it....

So I will also pray that they gain the help they need, or at least the perspective to see that this may be a problem. It does make me feel pretty helpless though. I know if I told them this they would become VERY agitated and that would get my anxiety disorder acting up...and I want to avoid that as much as possible....if I wasn't on my meds for depression I would have probably gotten right hot with this person already...especially with some of the things that are going on....but for my control I'm glad I am on my pills they help me to think straight and see clearer.

I just hope they see clearer soon too.

the final word

Well I was at my follow up apt for the surgeon yesterday. He said that it seems like it was just a hemmatomin...(collection on old blood, like a clot) and that all the trauma ( the popping and wicked pain) I suffered last Weds (9th of may 2007) should be the last of it. The surgeon actually said " Well it looks like you will not need to see me again" having my health is a huge weight off of my shoulders...in every aspect of my life.

I have been wanting to start working out and gain my strength back but terrified to do so due to all the trouble in my abs (which is my worst area in fitness, of course) I was afraid if I did ANYTHING that I would make it worse and land up back in the hospital.......then get bawled out by everybody and their dog for "over doing it".
It is enough to make you scream. I get in trouble and feel lazy for not doing enough, and when I do attempt stuff I get bawled out for that too...damned if I do, and damned if I don't. But now that I have the OKAY from the doctor I should be safe from bawling...I just have to wait for the aggitation from the "popping" to fade off then I'll be good to go.

Then the other day I was given the "just do it" from Cameron with regards to times for going to the gym.....
So now I just have to find out what hours the leisure center has and start trying to get there at LEAST once a week for the first while. I would like to work my way up to 5 days a week eventually...but I'd be happy with three..I do not want to get ahead of myself. I'm aiming for once or twice a week to start...once I can do that continuously then I'll move to the higher ones.
Ideally I'd like to be up to 5 days a week by the time Nigel starts kindergarten. I figure I can do my work out when he is in school...therefore not having to worry about childcare.
I have been having trouble going to the Cheam center due to all the other mom's in Nigel's preschool all go there. They are all REALLY in shape ..which intimidates me more than I'd like it to.
I feel like if I went and was working out in front of them. The second I wasn't around they would talk about how stupid and fat I look on the machines and that I should give up because I'm just hopeless.

I know....I know...... how narcissistic of me to think they would have nothing better to talk about other than ME...

That is how that evil bugger in my head operates.....he takes what is my worst fear and plays on it......and my worst fear is "looking stupid", and "pathetic". Not to be confused with fear of looking foolish ..I can deal with that. I do goofy things all the time, and usually land up injured in the process. I can also deal with being embarrassed, because I have pulled a bonehead move or two in my time..and it has built a tolerance for embarrassment. (as earlier blog entries in my OLD blog indicate) it is a different look that I'm afraid of.

You know the look......the kind of look the lady who is 45+ years old, dressed in her "sexy" clothes that are 2-3 sizes too small, but she mushes herself into them anyhow. which makes her look like a stringed roast. While being way too drunk and dirty dancing on the dance floor ALONE.....when there isn't anybody on the dance floor at all......THAT kind of pathetic look.

I NEVER want to be so delusional that I'm THAT woman.....thinking you are being totally hot and sexy , meanwhile everybody is shaking their heads and laughing at you.

That is what much of my social anxieties stem from....especially as I age. I'm afraid to go dancing with my own husband because I do not want to look like "that woman".
I'm afraid to dance at all..... I used to be a very good at dancing (at least that is what many different people would tell me), and I dearly LOVE to dance.
It also makes me afraid to employ the more fun flirty sexual aspects of my personality. Which I fear, is making me a dud.

So if I get a better body and I'm more happy with my physical form then I would feel more comfortable....maybe get those parts of my personality back.
As I am now I do not feel comfortable in my own skin. For me to move around it feels like I am wearing two or three snowsuits at all times, which would make anybody feel awkward.
The last time I felt remotely comfortable in my skin was when Cameron and I had just met and started dating.
I weighted 150lbs back then, since then it has been a mostly a climb in weight, with the odd dips here and there. I have not been able to get back to my "happy" weight and I do not know why.......
I have lost huge amounts I lost 60 lbs at one point but after the last set of surgeries I gained a bunch back because I wasn't ALLOWED to do anything, but I still had to eat and get my iron levels out of blood transfusion range... food+lack of movement= FAT............. JOY.............and since it was my abdomen EVERY pissing movement pulled down there in some way.

I am determined to get healthy, I want to feel the physical strength and confidence I once had.It makes me furious and frustrated that I do not have that. I know I am strong I still have a great deal of strength, but I do not look like I do......and THAT bothers me.

It is like being incredibly smart ....brilliant....but having ZERO way to communicate it in ANY way so everybody treats you like a moron....talking slowly to you and using very simple words......When if you could communicate to them you could talk to them in 7 different languages....... That is the level of frustration I'm feeling.

I have resolved to do this. Now I'm healthy once the twinges and tinglyness on the "popping" goes away, I have no more excuses there ARE no more excuses. I have to take it and show everybody that I'm not just talk, that I mean what I say.
I will be better looking at 40 than I was at 30 and damn proud of it too.

I am resolute to take my life back! As well as prove the doubters WRONG. I know there are doubters too....but I'll use them to get the motivation during the more trying times, I'll let their negativity be my strength. I'm dropping the gloves and letting "fat Lorna" have it.

The pain of PAIN

UGH today was an ordeal to say the least.

As many of you know I have a bubble of liquid underneath my hernia repair mesh.
Today was drain day ( I like to think of it as my keg impersonation day.... getting tapped)
The apt for the drain was at 10 am, Draining consisted of the Dr. ramming a needle at LEAST 6 inches into my abdomen.
It stopped at about 4 when it hit the mesh. Then the Dr. gave an extra shove and broke through the mesh,which hurt like hell even WITH freezing..
He pulled the needle in and out poking around inside to be sure he had hit the bubble. He took 3-4 cc of the fluid and said that the fluid looked like a blood clot, but that they would be sending it away to see if they could grow things in it ( I guess certain type of infections need to be grown so they try to go them to see it they are present or something like that)

Anyhow, I left the imaging department, and I sat with my mom and Nigel in the little cafe at the hospital entrance having lunch. I had been feeling dizzy but I thought it was because I had not eaten yet.
I was feeling pain from the time he got through the mesh. It was REALLY starting to hurt while having lunch, but I just assumed it was the freezing wearing off.

So we started home in the car...

I didn't even make it to the over pass the pain was increasing so greatly it was blinding. Then all of the sudden I felt something inside "POP" and the pain spread across my abdomen.

It actually brought me to tears, which regarding pain is a rare thing.

It hurt worse than ANY of my surgeries.

My mom pulled a u-turn and took me back to the hospital. They put me into emergency, x-rayed me, took blood, gave me an IV and gave me TWO shots of Demerol and Gravol.
I could STILL feel the pain after that, even with both shots the Demerol.

After getting the results back they found out that the bubble had burst and spread into my tissues, but because it didn't have any visible (under scopes) bacteria that I SHOULD be okay the clot just dispersed into my tissue. Not to worry about blood clots floating around, because it wasn't it that part of my body so there is no chance of a blood clot traveling to my brain or heart.

They sent me home with a prescription for t3's and it is FINALLY starting to settle down. They did say to follow up next week with my surgeon, and that if the pain got worse OR I got a fever to get to a doc fast.

How come anytime I have to have something done it ALWAYS lands up being MORE UGH...I just hope that this is finally the end of it..

So that was my day in a nutshell.

FINALLY!!!

After much much reading and learning I have found and figured out how to use a different blog skin so my blog better reflects my personality, then templates were NOT me in anyway. I think this one is it :)

Well the last month or so has been QUITE the trauma and drama, I had some dear friend(s) of mine in utter drama, with relationships, dead lines, and the various other things that create uber wabs of stress.

The trauma part was me stressing out about my husband's work change..... or more over all the fun things that comes changing jobs. That and the normal stress I experience over how the kids are doing in school, how good of a house keeper I am, how good of a mother am I, or am I just bestowing my horrid habits onto my children.

UGH THE STRESS AND GUILT!!! ALWAYS WITH THE GUILT!

There isn't a minute that goes by were I do not question what I'm doing. UGH!

Some more trauma was caused by the whole WEIGHT issues that is always LOOMING LOOMING LOOOOOOOOOOOMING over me..

The real me is trapped deep inside this fat lady and I can't seem to get out....I am trying weight watchers now...UGH I have tried so many things...I hope this is the one that works for me... I do not think I could take it if it didn't...My husband is always very helpful and supportive of me and always makes sure I know he loves me not matter what my size is.

Just for once in my life *I* would like to love me.......I never have....not even once...

Plus all the added ~~~STRESS~~~ of getting drained on the 9th. I have no idea what I'm fully in for. I am trying to make like I do not have any issues with it... but I do not think I'm doing a very good job. I do not think anything will go wrong. I'm just worried that it will not remedy the pain I have been having...and if it doesn't, that leaves me in a quandary.
Do I save myself the heartache and trauma of more poking and prodding just keeping my mouth shut and live with it, or continue trying to get them to "track it down".
I'm just sick of it all and I'm REALLY leaning towards keeping my mouth shut unless my guts start literally falling out.

Well This is my first blog on blogspot.