An Epiphany...of sorts

Well it all started last Wednesday night.......

I was watching Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic ( description below)
The Brookhaven Rehabilitation Centre in New York is home to 75 of America's fattest people who are desperate to lose the weight that is killing them. The emergency services struggle to save 750 pound Dennis Davis as he's suffocated by his own weight. Caught on camera - the food addicts who cheat 400 pound Tammy Shannon breaks the rules to smuggle in fat-laden junk food and Ex-gang member, Vincent Tucker, is 700lbs of pure attitude. Two heart attacks by the age of 27 means he has to change his "bad boy" ways if he's to survive. Former Brookhaven success story George Cuadrado (611 lbs.) is back again after just eleven months.

WOW were these people fat. it was heart breaking. They were talking about how they were going to die if they didn't stop...yet they can't stop because humans need food to live...(it would be like asking a crack addict to only take .5 cc per day while having a never ending supply at hand and seeeing it everywhere................impossible......)

Well I had been watching this upstairs because Sadie was in the tub, ( I like being near her in the water to be sure things are going okay)..... WELL Nigel was watching the show with me on and off too... then he stood between me and the TV with a very distressed look on his little face...I asked him what was wrong. He looked and pointed at me, then looked and pointed at the TV. Looking even more sad and worried he said "I don't want you to do that", and he pointed back at the TV. at the show. ( I of course reassured him that mommy will not do that)

It really bothered me that he drew that line from them to me.....why would he draw that line....to him do I look like a 400 lb-750 lbs person?

I noticed the pictures of me at the church picnic hung at church a few days later. I could distinctly remember at those moments how "nice " I thought I looked....then to see the pictures......

OH GEEZE do pictures say 1000 words. I could see my arms and the rest of me. How "not nice" I actually was which made me question " I'm I obese?"

Well I went to Cameron and said the dreaded words NO PERSON ever wants to hear from people they care about. I said, "If I ask you something will you tell me the truth no matter how much you think it may hurt my feelings, because I need to know?"

He had the "oh shit" look on his face and said, "Yes"

I asked my dreaded question, "Am I obese?"

He paused then answered "Yes" but then reassured me that he love me no matter how I look....it is Lorna he loves, not Lorna's body....(although we does and has a favorite part or two ....TEE-HEE)

I love him for that...and so many other reasons ....... I can always trust him to be there for me when I needed him ................and I needed him to be there with the truth.
How many men would give you the honest answer like that even knowing it is something you need to hear, but do not want to know,...but have to know..

Well I thought about the obese thing for most of Sunday. When I got home and Cameron went to bed I then I looked online to see what the categories are for weight for over weight, obese, and morbidly obese

I have always known how many pounds overweight I am, and NOW I'm finally able to do something about it, with all of all my surgeries and procedures being done and over with, as well as being given the okay to go back to full activities. ( I was okayed before , but then my stomach was hurting and I had to get a hematomin drained .... that was the last procedure I had done). I always looked at myself as "chubby", "big", "chunky"," over weight" but never obese.

Now I know I am 110 lbs. over weight, that hasn't change ( it will but it hasn't yet ..really I was only give the okay a couple weeks ago....so it wouldn't have) in fact I weight less now than I did when I was married... but again I never thought of myself as "obese" ...just overweight.......

My BMI ( body mass index is 40.8) it should be between 18-25 UGH....but it was 44.6 when I got married, I managed to get it down to 34.3 before all the surgeries started, but because of not being ALLOWED/able to work out I packed 30 lbs back on....gggrrrrrrrr.

I will do it again...I have to... I can not stand the sight of myself.....

That and I KNOW what I need to do.

However I am writing this blog to vent the emotions that I have been going over the last few days....I have been incredibly weepy, it isn't easy to admit morbid obesity to yourself. Even thought (and Cameron pointed this out) I haven't gained anything since before I knew...so what has changed ...just the wording really I have always had to loose 110 lbs. and I knew this..so why am I so incredibly upset about it now??

I realize it is the shame that goes hand in hand with the word...and the guilt, even though the 30lbs (out of the 60 lost) I gained back was not fully my fault. I wasn't able/allowed to do activity for a long time...but I did keep half of it off still..I concede that I still could have made better eating choices though. But over all that is a good thing.

It is hard it is one of the major things we need to live and it can kill us too...ugh....I feel guilty because of being obese my anxiety disorder was unbearable (BEFORE I almost died with the infection in the hospital) It was based from me being fat.
I felt that I was too fat to be seen, I didn't want to run into old b/f, or friends...because I could hear the "Oh I saw Lorna the other day and she is HUGE and fat...she has really let herself go" and I felt that the world shouldn't have to be punished by having to look at my disgusting body. I put myself and the people I care about through hell....and it was hell...everyday afraid to go out and bee seen by people I know, including extended family....The near death hospital thing really put the time I was wasting into perspective.....but not the weight part.

I am a morbidly obese woman. I am at risk of at LEAST a dozen serious health issues, and at least that many minor ones, which is worse than the ones for just obese, and the same for overweight... The only person who can do anything about it is the person who stares back from the mirror at me....even if I dislike her...she is worth knowing at her best...and she isn't and that HAS to change.

The post was seeming like (as I mulled it over for the last few days) like it was going to be very upsetting, hopeless, and depressing....but after speaking with two very wonderful people in my life at length about it. I realize it isn't a bleak as it was feeling. Since I realized I am morbidly obese I have wanted to run screaming and tearing my flesh from my body like a person who is wearing clothes that are on fire......the most agonizing thing for me right now is I know in order to get to my ultimate goal weight (135lbs) if I did everything absolutely perfect....the healthy rate of weight loss is 2.5 lbs. per week I'm still looking at 11 months........ but that also doesn't include plateaus that can stall your weight loss for a few weeks before you can break through them... but I am burning now! These "burning clothes" are burning me now.. and I want it off..if I loose the weight too rapidly though ,the chance of regaining and gaining extra on top is WAY higher...

I did get some inspiration today in the form of a little red headed German lady .... I do not know exactly how old she is but I know she is a senior... and she knocked on my door today to ask ME if she could come and work out with me because she is feeling motivated to work out and get in better shape......wow...I hope if I need to loose weight when I'm her age I have the guts to do it... it made me feel foolish for being embarrassed to go the gym that all the other mom's from the preschool go to, just because they are all thin.This little German lady said she would like to go with me to that very gym at that very time...so hell if she can do it...I'm foolish to think be apprehensive about it.

Well this post is getting plenty long, I'm sure the rest of you have things you need to do other than read my blog, but thank you for reading it ..I know I can get long winded at times...but I do appreciate all the people who DO take time out of their day to read about my struggles, hopes, memories and joys.

the final word

Well I was at my follow up apt for the surgeon yesterday. He said that it seems like it was just a hemmatomin...(collection on old blood, like a clot) and that all the trauma ( the popping and wicked pain) I suffered last Weds (9th of may 2007) should be the last of it. The surgeon actually said " Well it looks like you will not need to see me again" having my health is a huge weight off of my shoulders...in every aspect of my life.

I have been wanting to start working out and gain my strength back but terrified to do so due to all the trouble in my abs (which is my worst area in fitness, of course) I was afraid if I did ANYTHING that I would make it worse and land up back in the hospital.......then get bawled out by everybody and their dog for "over doing it".
It is enough to make you scream. I get in trouble and feel lazy for not doing enough, and when I do attempt stuff I get bawled out for that too...damned if I do, and damned if I don't. But now that I have the OKAY from the doctor I should be safe from bawling...I just have to wait for the aggitation from the "popping" to fade off then I'll be good to go.

Then the other day I was given the "just do it" from Cameron with regards to times for going to the gym.....
So now I just have to find out what hours the leisure center has and start trying to get there at LEAST once a week for the first while. I would like to work my way up to 5 days a week eventually...but I'd be happy with three..I do not want to get ahead of myself. I'm aiming for once or twice a week to start...once I can do that continuously then I'll move to the higher ones.
Ideally I'd like to be up to 5 days a week by the time Nigel starts kindergarten. I figure I can do my work out when he is in school...therefore not having to worry about childcare.
I have been having trouble going to the Cheam center due to all the other mom's in Nigel's preschool all go there. They are all REALLY in shape ..which intimidates me more than I'd like it to.
I feel like if I went and was working out in front of them. The second I wasn't around they would talk about how stupid and fat I look on the machines and that I should give up because I'm just hopeless.

I know....I know...... how narcissistic of me to think they would have nothing better to talk about other than ME...

That is how that evil bugger in my head operates.....he takes what is my worst fear and plays on it......and my worst fear is "looking stupid", and "pathetic". Not to be confused with fear of looking foolish ..I can deal with that. I do goofy things all the time, and usually land up injured in the process. I can also deal with being embarrassed, because I have pulled a bonehead move or two in my time..and it has built a tolerance for embarrassment. (as earlier blog entries in my OLD blog indicate) it is a different look that I'm afraid of.

You know the look......the kind of look the lady who is 45+ years old, dressed in her "sexy" clothes that are 2-3 sizes too small, but she mushes herself into them anyhow. which makes her look like a stringed roast. While being way too drunk and dirty dancing on the dance floor ALONE.....when there isn't anybody on the dance floor at all......THAT kind of pathetic look.

I NEVER want to be so delusional that I'm THAT woman.....thinking you are being totally hot and sexy , meanwhile everybody is shaking their heads and laughing at you.

That is what much of my social anxieties stem from....especially as I age. I'm afraid to go dancing with my own husband because I do not want to look like "that woman".
I'm afraid to dance at all..... I used to be a very good at dancing (at least that is what many different people would tell me), and I dearly LOVE to dance.
It also makes me afraid to employ the more fun flirty sexual aspects of my personality. Which I fear, is making me a dud.

So if I get a better body and I'm more happy with my physical form then I would feel more comfortable....maybe get those parts of my personality back.
As I am now I do not feel comfortable in my own skin. For me to move around it feels like I am wearing two or three snowsuits at all times, which would make anybody feel awkward.
The last time I felt remotely comfortable in my skin was when Cameron and I had just met and started dating.
I weighted 150lbs back then, since then it has been a mostly a climb in weight, with the odd dips here and there. I have not been able to get back to my "happy" weight and I do not know why.......
I have lost huge amounts I lost 60 lbs at one point but after the last set of surgeries I gained a bunch back because I wasn't ALLOWED to do anything, but I still had to eat and get my iron levels out of blood transfusion range... food+lack of movement= FAT............. JOY.............and since it was my abdomen EVERY pissing movement pulled down there in some way.

I am determined to get healthy, I want to feel the physical strength and confidence I once had.It makes me furious and frustrated that I do not have that. I know I am strong I still have a great deal of strength, but I do not look like I do......and THAT bothers me.

It is like being incredibly smart ....brilliant....but having ZERO way to communicate it in ANY way so everybody treats you like a moron....talking slowly to you and using very simple words......When if you could communicate to them you could talk to them in 7 different languages....... That is the level of frustration I'm feeling.

I have resolved to do this. Now I'm healthy once the twinges and tinglyness on the "popping" goes away, I have no more excuses there ARE no more excuses. I have to take it and show everybody that I'm not just talk, that I mean what I say.
I will be better looking at 40 than I was at 30 and damn proud of it too.

I am resolute to take my life back! As well as prove the doubters WRONG. I know there are doubters too....but I'll use them to get the motivation during the more trying times, I'll let their negativity be my strength. I'm dropping the gloves and letting "fat Lorna" have it.

LESS of MEEEE

Yippee!

I had a good week doing the weight watchers. Last week TOTALLY sucked I had gained all the weight back that I had lost the first 2 weeks PLUS .2 of a pound.... GRRRRRRR

But this week I got on the scale and I lost 7.4 pounds this week making the total lost 7.2 pounds over all, apparently week 3 is always the best one.

YIPPEE!!!

now I just have to remember not to get complacent, the hardest part is remembering to write everything down. I always forget to do it when I'm out and I'm not home...I get embarrassed to have to pull out a book because I need to track what I eat because I am fat.

I know nobody would say anything but my evil imagination says it for them....My evil brain tells me that they are thinking horrible things like "look at her she is trying another stupid thing to loose weight and we all know she is too weak to do it"

but I will stop talking about that stuff, because the more I think on it the more power I give that little put-down, self esteem eating monster.

I'm going to try my best to get some more weight off this upcoming week, but 7.4 in a week is NOT a typical amount so if I go up a little or only loose a little I will not freak out.... at least that is what I'm telling myself today.

FINALLY!!!

After much much reading and learning I have found and figured out how to use a different blog skin so my blog better reflects my personality, then templates were NOT me in anyway. I think this one is it :)

Well the last month or so has been QUITE the trauma and drama, I had some dear friend(s) of mine in utter drama, with relationships, dead lines, and the various other things that create uber wabs of stress.

The trauma part was me stressing out about my husband's work change..... or more over all the fun things that comes changing jobs. That and the normal stress I experience over how the kids are doing in school, how good of a house keeper I am, how good of a mother am I, or am I just bestowing my horrid habits onto my children.

UGH THE STRESS AND GUILT!!! ALWAYS WITH THE GUILT!

There isn't a minute that goes by were I do not question what I'm doing. UGH!

Some more trauma was caused by the whole WEIGHT issues that is always LOOMING LOOMING LOOOOOOOOOOOMING over me..

The real me is trapped deep inside this fat lady and I can't seem to get out....I am trying weight watchers now...UGH I have tried so many things...I hope this is the one that works for me... I do not think I could take it if it didn't...My husband is always very helpful and supportive of me and always makes sure I know he loves me not matter what my size is.

Just for once in my life *I* would like to love me.......I never have....not even once...

Plus all the added ~~~STRESS~~~ of getting drained on the 9th. I have no idea what I'm fully in for. I am trying to make like I do not have any issues with it... but I do not think I'm doing a very good job. I do not think anything will go wrong. I'm just worried that it will not remedy the pain I have been having...and if it doesn't, that leaves me in a quandary.
Do I save myself the heartache and trauma of more poking and prodding just keeping my mouth shut and live with it, or continue trying to get them to "track it down".
I'm just sick of it all and I'm REALLY leaning towards keeping my mouth shut unless my guts start literally falling out.

Well This is my first blog on blogspot.