Hum-drum?? I think not.

I was cleaning and doing the normal boring everyday mom chores. I get a call from my friend.

He said “What are you doing?”

I said, “Cleaning why?”

He said, “Wanna be in a commercial?”

I said “Sure”

So he came over.  Picked me up and we walked down to “The slot car place”.

Shaw cable was filming a commercial for them and the owner wanted people to come and play games and have fun.

Pretty much generally do what normally happens there.

 Some people did slot-car racing, some played magic the gathering, others just hung out. There are tons of games old and new. They have many things there…tons of lego, all types of games (both board, role playing) and other collectible type toys and models. It is attached to a candy store too.

It is where we have our son’s b-day party. It was a great price too.

So John, Derek and I all sat and played a game of “Munchkin” while the filming happened.  I have zero idea if I will show up in the commercial, but it was fun having something not so hum-drum happened on a rather hum-drum day.

What is lost

Well it is looking like the funeral will be held on the 8th of Sept 1:30 pm at our church.

I keep having sudden out bursts of sorrow and weeping, then I'm okay....then I'm crying again. The outbursts mostly happen when I think of things like:

-The fact that over the ten years I knew him, I only got one hug from him ever and that was on my wedding day.

-That I never got to tell him that I loved him...

-When I say something at the house. (the house being Laureen and Jim's place) Something that Jim would have ran with it. Then we would have been going back and forth, either cracking up OR grossing out the others. Now I say something and it gets left behind. There is no laughing......

-How little time my kids and I got with him. How angry I feel when I think of all the time the others had and how some of them wasted it by being petty and small.

-He was the weirdness that made me feel at home at Jim and Laureen's house. Now he is gone......I feel like a weirdo who nobody truly understands now.

-How I'll never get to scratch his back again,(he was kinda like a bear against a tree) and the kids will not get to play with Papa's hair (the kids would play with it and make it stick up in funny ways)

-How I only got to hear maybe a 1/8 (if that)of his funny stories about his life.

-How the kids only got one summer holiday to the cabin with him. How they were really just getting to know him like how the other kids knew him, and how he was just getting to know my kids developing personalites.

-How I never got to tell him how important he was to making me feel like "one of the family". I'm not saying that the others do not make me feel welcome, they do... but Jim made it feel familiar...he was crazy like my mom and her family. I think it is something about both all of them being born on an ISLAND ..I find people who lived on islands sense of humor is way more BENT than the rest of the world.


It is strange even though over at Cameron's mom's house I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me. They are funny people, without Jim there I feel a strange loneliness, I feel like a thumb on the hand... I'm important and I'm suppose to be there, but I'm not like the others....

I could identify with Jim.

Cameron and his mom are quite the similar ...and Jim and I were very much similar..... So when Cameron and I had personality clashes Jim understood in a way nobody else could, because Laureen and him would clash in similar ways....now that understanding is gone.

I feel ripped off.

I feel ripped off for my kids too.

We never got to meet Cameron's grandpa, or grandma, and now to loose Jim. So many of the people who meant so much to my husband while he was growing up and how I never got to know....our kids never got to know.

The thing that make s me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry are those who actually HAD the chance and THREW IT AWAY................for NO GOOD reason....just being petty and small.
They are STILL throwing it away...by not even attempting to make amends with those who are left...
It makes me want to ~~SCREAM~~~ at them....because my kids never got the chance.

I didn't get to see Jim when he was able to move and do as many things as he could before.
The time I got with him he was in pain the whole time. He didn't go out very much because due to the pain he was in. I only got to know "hurting sedate Jim" not "dancing with aunt Darlene at Christmas Jim".

It isn't fair.

I know my pain isn't as bad as Cameron's, or Laureen's. I do not profess it to be...I never would.

I can only speak of what I know and experience.

My kids missed out on my dad, my brother, my grandparents, Cameron's grandparents, and now their Papa. I worry that Nigel is too young to remember him...that as he ages..Jim will fade from his little mind. I worry about Sadie forgetting too, but because she is older I hope that she is old enough to remember some.

There is so much due to death, I never got a chance to know....so much my kids didn't get to know...

It isn't fair.......it just isn't fair

So if you are reading this think about that person(or people) who is(are) special to you, and even if you are mad at them for some silly thing, LET IT GO.... go back and spend time.. even if it is just a coffee every now and again..do it now! Because when it is gone...it is gone forever.

Really, are most of the things people get offended and angry about worth a life time of guilt when they die?? Not likely.

update on the situation

I am home now I got home at 10 last night, Cameron's sister and brother in-law came home yesterday, so they have their two dogs home and they also can comfort their daughter in a way I never could.
It looks like my brother in-law and my nephew are staying at Laureen and Jim's place until Laureen gets back. which I'm glad for because I was worried it was just going to be my nephew by himself there.. which was hard enough for me...I don't even want to think about how hard it would be for him...so when I was told Steve would be staying with him I was relieved.

yesterday I went to Church. I love the people at my church, always there to help....Cameron had asked the minister (via phone) to say a special prayer for his dad and the whole family, but he asked if he could do it AFTER the kids had gone downstairs to Sunday school. Emery did just that he waited, which I'm glad for ...because I had had Sadie , Nigel and my niece with me. I knew when the prayer started I would not be able to keep the tears from coming. During coffee they also would come to offer "words of comfort", but would stop immediately when I darted my eyes to the kids letting the comforter know that I COULDN'T talk about it with the kids there.

Now do not get me wrong the kids will know, my niece already knows some of what is happening. But we want to wait to tell ours until he has actually passed before saying anything and we want to be together when we do it .....thank god, because I do not know how I would handle it alone, although I have no clue how well Cameron is going to be able to talk to them about it do, I'm sure he'll be good but the kids haven't really seen daddy get upset....so it may weird them out.

This has all been a bit of a shock...I mean we knew his health wasn't the best, but had no clue it was THIS bad. last week nobody would have even entertained the idea that he would be lingering on the edge of death....since Thursday our worlds have just been flipped upside down... we are trying to be more kind with the kids and break it to them very carefully, My two know that Papa is very sick and is in the hospital.

It seems like the universe is trying to help us with breaking the news to the kids. We have been watching various movies and the topic of death keeps coming up in them...a bridge to terabithia (sp?) a character dies in it and it is very very very sad (I do not want to give out details just incase you haven't seen it) it took everything I had not to cry...this not crying business is HARD...then the pokemon movie one of the little characters pokemon thingies died, and then corpse bride, all with huge scene involving death. Okay the corpse bride I was kind of expecting death type scenes but not the other two! Nigel started to cry when the pokemon died...I had to comfort him and try not to think about the conversation that we'd be having with him all TOO soon.

Then a phone call came in it was my friend, she asked if I'd be up for her to pop by for a tea..I said sure..

I'm sitting at the computer when the door bell just started ringing ringing ringing. ( a trademark of one of my other friends Marion) So I figured oh Marion has popped by...

I open the door to see Stacey , Marion and Mama (her nickname it is Marion's mom who is kind of motherly to everybody) Mama was holding a card, gladiolas, and they brought arm loads of "casseroles" to help out while we are having such a sorrow filled time.

I have never been moved so many times but the kind acts of others as I have been being during this time. I must say I'm surprised and thankful. it doesn't take the hurting and sorrow away but it does give you hope and faith, which is what everybody needs specially at times like this

Can't wait until next year

WOW did I have fun at Clinton wars!!!

There was lots of dirty bad fun, and really only I know EXACTLY how dirty or bad I was.
Well Cameron and I know...........I told him everything and anything *I* did, however not everything that people may have done near me. " WHAT HAPPENS IN CLINTON STAYS AT CLINTON!!! " ( As I hear a sigh of relief from those who were DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY monkeys and are reading this MUHAHAHAHA)

What can I say I haven't had THAT much fun since I was a single piss tank living to be a "weekend warrior".

I'M STILL A WARRIOR!!!!

However instead of a weekend one.... I will be an "at least a yearly warrior" for sure.... I am just hoping that I can get to next year's Clinton... but I'm sure if I talk to my family NOW we can make it happen for THEN.

I had quite a few funny things happen on my holiday....all must be told in person...one was "the bra thrust story" you'll laugh , you'll cry ... you'll wonder how I can been seen in public with my head up :)

Jamison (Cameron), Elspeth (Mellissa), Aine ( danni) and myself (my SCA name Constance) are all in a Order we invented for shits and giggles.
We are the "order of the dirty dirty dirty" which we call "ODD D" were we have the honor of awarding people with necklaces for various "deeds" some are as follows:

The H Factor necklace- ( this is for when you see something HOT) it is a necklace of beads green, white, and/or silver, with an accent bead(s) in the middle of the front for this one it is two orange and yellow beads (orange pointed in towards each other) with a hot red bead in the middle.

The Nocturnal Noises- this one if for if you hear somebody getting frisky in the wee smalls of the night. It is denoted by a it is a necklace of beads green, white, and/or silver, with an accent bead(s) in the middle of the front either is two black beads with either a blue (for males) or a Red (for female) mind you the one we handed out THIS weekend had a red bead on either side and three black beads in the middle... but we realized that would not be as effective as doing it the other way

There are a few others that there are, but since I do not have the list, so it is hard for me to write it all down.. However I AM trying to get to a point.. each of us members have our own "favor" necklace. This is a necklace that has a bead of our choice (our favorite bead that speaks of our personality or just our favorite colour, mine is a cobalt blue glass bead) This necklace is given out to the person or people who just "made your event" it doesn't have to be in a dirty way either.

This weekend I gave out my "favor necklace" to somebody who helped make me feel like I was finally "IN" with the WHOLE shire....made me feel like I was actually part of the entire shire and not a by stander. This person would wait for me when I straggled, call me by my name, include me in the "we are all freezing our butts off huddle by the fire", and made sure that when we spoke in a circle of people that other people were not putting themselves between me and the group thereby isolating me. (having their back to me basically cutting me off from the group, which happened ALLOT last year..not intentionally but it did)

There are very prominent key people in the shire .. I guess it would be the equivalent to "the cool popular kids" from highschool. They are the people who have been around for a long long time....
Well I was accepted by most of the "cool kids" fairly easily since I started playing. There was a certain group of people that have always been very well respected, however they rarely if ever spoke to me....which made me feel awkward especially in a group if I said something and they didn't respond at all.

This Clinton that changed... I went from last year feeling like a shadow following a couple of people, just hoping to be introduced and NOT forgotten (which most of the times the introductions never happened...and I felt even more forgotten..and more like a shadow). to this year feeling like an independent social butterfly.

This year was SO different I was able to walk around and find people on my own. I didn't need to be "following" anybody (for lack of not knowing where to go or what to do). I didn't have to stay GLUED to the people I came with (if I didn't feel like doing whatever it was that they were doing). I even got HUGS!! I got spoken too, repeatedly...and I was able to be more myself around everybody and not utterly paralyzed from fear of doing "the wrong thing". A big part of this I feel was that special somebody who took the extra time and effort to include me even though they didn't know me very well. Again thank you. ** HUGS**

Before any of the other people that I dearly care for in the SCA get there nose out of joint. This post IS NOT intended to make how you guys make me feel any less valuable if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have had the courage to have even gone to Clinton last year..and I thank you guys for that, and for the support and friendship that you have shown me.

This Clinton was the closest I have gotten to "the real me" the before my "anxiety disorder Lorna" I have been in a long long time...I do not know why I became so afraid....it SO isn't me.
This last weekend has given me a new energy and confidence back that I used to have. It made me feel powerful. I LIKE THAT FEELING!!!
I am thinking if I get enough courage that I MAY take up a fighting style ( heavy or rapier) which one...I haven't decided yet. I have no clue which I would be any good at, if any. I wish there was a way I could be tested without having to foot the bill for the gear first.

if next Clinton is anything like this Clinton I'm going to have a hard time waiting an entire year!

Why didn't I think of this. No... Wait... I DID!

The below was yanked from an email *I* sent my friend who is having some issuses...I took out anything that could id the friend so I could use this to make my point.
*********************

"If you think you are pretty then you are...really if one person came up to you and said "hey you look pretty today" you would be on the top of the world right?? WHY can't that one person be you? Once you feel better about you..you will find more people around you feel better about you.

Fake it till you make it.

Self esteem is just that something ONLY you yourSELF can give to you....it will not matter what ANYBODY around you does. If you do not give it to yourSELF you will not have it....no matter if you land that great guy....... infact eventually it would push him away because having no self esteem is like a black hole of negativity it sucks all the positive energy down and leave everybody around it with the negative.

You have allot going for you. I challenge you to sit down on your next blog entry and write 50 things that are positive about yourself. and if you have trouble I can help you.

We have been polluted into thinking "if I think something nice about myself I'm being vain" and that is the WORST thing in the world. It is not vain to have confidence Vain is thinking you are better than others...but thinking you are good is NOT the same thing now is it?
and here is another part of my challenge I want you to wear an elastic band on your wrist and snap it every time you"compare" yourself to somebody else in anyway. be it looks, togetherness, skill, WHATEVER snap it...you will be surprised how often seeking somebody else achieve makes up feel bad...This is self conditioning, every time you do it snap the elastic the theory is that you will stop wanting to snap the band so you will stop doing that type of negative thought .


if that person has done the work they DESERVE to be good at it..or what have you....would you want to live in a world were everybody was unattractive and behaved like jerks? Of course not so celebrate there differences and their successes, feeling envy will fill your heart and soul with negative emotions which will seep from you like sweat and stink 10X as bad

You are doing the work on yourself ...so the challenge . POST 50 things good about yourself no matter how small. and the elastic band on wrist to stop comparing to others.....and here is one more thing every morning when you do you "wake up rituals" look in the mirror and say "I am a good person who has alot to offer the world and I will make the most out of today". ( here is the tricky bit believe in it too!"

*********end quote********

Have you ever had a moment when the light turned on ( I'm certain most of you have) Has it ever been gaining insight into what you need to do when advising a friend? This happened to me. All the stuff above was stuff I had written my friend who is having troubles...as I was making the arguments and points...I realized "yeah that's right" "I need to do that too!" I guess it is good that birds of a feather flock together so we are able to take our own advice. as well as our friends :) Specially the self esteem stuff...it was stuff I KNEW but it never actually occurred to me in THAT way until I wrote it for my friend... So thank you "friend" for making me think through it.

Positive and negitive

Have you ever had somebody who you WISH would ask you to join in on something, but you do not want to hint to them about it, because then you feel like you forced your company upon them.

I had that happened recently. Talk about feeling forlorn...

I mean who wants to be included when you feel like you guilted people into including you. I was VERY tempted to hint and say something, but I felt if I did and got included it wouldn't feel half as good asi would if i was just included because they actually wanted to include me...so I was left behind, which isn't bad...

It just would have been fun to be included....OH well maybe next time.

I have been wrestling with my inner demons allot lately...things that I have always usually never stopped myself from feelling, but they are negative emotions..

**Negative emotions are emotions that you have that feed hate, envy, jealousy, self loathing and so on....Positive emotions are ones that feed feelings like joy, love, forgiveness and grace ( and I do not think enough people know the true meaning of the word "grace" ).**

Well on my road to self betterment, I have been wrestling with the inner feelings that feed the negative... I can only describe it as it "blackens my heart" or "damages my soul"

I know sounds kinda cheesy.... but hey everybody likes CHEESE.

Some negative emotions are easier to let go of than others.....I'm finding I'm having a heck of a time with envy and self loathing....but I have been keeping them to myself in order to work through them without effecting those around me in a negitive way, since they can do NOTHING about it anyhow.

I'm not feeling like people remember how I used to be......I used to let myself have these negitive emotions by the boat load ....before I "woke up".
Now I have much better control of them.....when I experience these feeling I tend to "keep quite" because if I start expressing them then they GROW and 90% of the time it the negitive feelings are not warranted, they are usually just knee jerk reactions (defence mechanism) to my past experiences that have conditioned me into negitive thought patterns (which I'm trying to break).

When I give myself sometime to mull it around in my brain I can usually come up with my TRUE feelings using logic AND emotion, and not just letting the emotion run the show.

However from what I can tell some people seem to ONLY be expecting the OLD amount of negative emotions to come back and be all out of control.....and sometimes it almost feels like they "want" me to behave that way.....Almost like now that I'm behaving somewhat more SANE they are put off balance and get confused because of being put off balance.

What I have noticed ( In mine and a few other situations my attention has been drawn to) people have a tendency to want to file people away into the little "notions" of how others are to be...their friends, their family, their spouse, and even their children.
Then when that person who looked like a round peg doesn't fit in the round hole the person doing the pegging gets frustrated, because the peg has corners which the pegger hasn't ever noticed before (or the peg has just evolved into) and needs a square hole.

People HATE it when you challenge their beliefs, especially if that "challenge" proves them to be wrong in some way. People HATE being WRONG, which is something I have never understood. I'm wrong all the time, learn from it and move on. Being wrong is just a lesson...not something to get ticked about.

Back to my analogy suddenly this seemingly round peg is actually a square peg...now the peg placer doesn't know what to do with this extra square peg because it only had a round whole for them. Some beggers take the time and whittle down the sides of the round hole and make a square hole...it takes time but they do it...others just throw the peg away therefore having one less peg...
Who would suffer there? The peg being tossed to try to find a hole it does fit, or the pegger left with an unfilled hole? Tough call.

People are like water THEY ADAPT...They evolve, They change. Sure it may SEEM like many do not because they still have the same traits over all, but think about yourself are you ANYTHING like the person you were 20 yrs ago? 10? 5?... NO, you have learned things and even if it is just changing inside your own head (your views on things or your priorities) People shouldn't use ONLY the past to asses a persons possible behavior, you have to use the behaviors from the present as well....I have been feeling misjudged...

I understand 30 years of usually behaving one way will take more than 2 years to prove the change.......without question.
I understand I took time to present as a round peg, and have only "found my corners" in the last two years (due to almost dying).
However having people expect the old behaviours from you does not make you want to continue working on the NEW ones simply because you start to feel " I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't"....and changing behaviour is HARD ENOUGH without having the added challenge of constantanly having to "PROVE" the change.
Let my actions speak for themselves, not what is THOUGHT to be is going on in my head.... half the time *I"M* not sure what is going on in my head...so how could anybody else?

I just ask..PLEASE consider my behaviors in the NOW not the BEFORE...

Thank you for taking the time to read this I hope I didn't ramble too much

*SIGH* not again.

I have come to the disturbing realization that I have an "attention seeker" in my life.

For those of you who do not know this is a personality disorder, I've included definition and symptoms below.

Attention seeking

Like most personality disorders, attention seeking occurs to different degrees in different people and reveals itself in many ways. When present in excess the short-term benefits are outweighed by long-term unsustainability which can, and often does, lead to disaster.

The need for attention is paramount to the person. He or she will do or say anything to obtain that attention.

In most (although not all) cases, the identified attention seekers as a female whose objective is to demonstrate to the world what a wonderful, kind, caring, compassionate person she is. Bold pronouncements, a prominent position, gushing insincere empathy.

The Attention-Seeker

Motivation: to be the centre of attention

Mindset: control freak, manipulation, narcissism

Malice: medium to high; and when held accountable for their actions, very high

• emotionally immature
• selectively friendly - is sickly sweet to some people, rude and offhand to others, and ignores the rest
• is cold and aggressive towards anyone who sees them for what they really are or exposes their strategies for gaining attention
• over-friendly with their new target, especially in the initial stages of a new working relationship
• over-helpful, with their new target, especially in the initial stages of a new working relationship
• overgenerous, with their new target, especially in the initial stages of a new working relationship
• manipulative of people's perceptions, but in an amateur and childish manner
• manipulative with guilt, but in an amateur and childish manner
• sycophantic, fawning, toadying
• uses flattery to keep a person in authority on side
• everything is a drama, usually a poor-me drama
• prefers not to solve problems in own life so that they can be used and re-used for gaining sympathy and attention
• capitalizes on issues and uses them as a soapbox for gaining attention
• exploits others' suffering and grief as a vehicle for gaining attention
• misappropriates others' statements or behaviors, e.g. anything which can be misconstrued as hostil towards them, for control and attention-seeking
• excusitis, makes excuses for everything ( in order to sometimes justify behaviors)
• shows a lot of indignation, especially when challenged
• lots of self-pity
• often as incredibly miserable, apart from carefully constructed moments of charm when in the act of deceiving
• demanding of others ( more so than of themselves)
• easily provoked
• feigns victim-hood when held accountable, usually by bursting into tears, arguing or claiming they're the one being bullied, harassed, or mistreated
• presents as a false victim when outwitted
• may feign exclusion, isolation or persecution
• malicious
• constantly tries and will do almost anything, or turn conversations so they can be in the spotlight
• may include Munchausen Syndrome
• the focus of their life is to be the centre of attention, even if they are unaware of it.
  

I had another person in my life quite a few months ago who started off doing MANY of these very same things....this was the "friend" of 15 years I had to completely remove from my life because she had been hurting too many people I care about, and being an emotional vampire.

I do not want to remove another person from my life....but I am finding being around them is getting to be very draining.

I care about this person, but I doubt they would even admit to themselves that he/she is behaving like this...which would be the most important first step.

I have been agonizing how to put all this into words that made sense. I do not want to be somebody who jumps to conclusions...but the more I see...the more I see a problem. This is something that I need to mull over much more.....I pray that I am wrong, but I doubt it....

So I will also pray that they gain the help they need, or at least the perspective to see that this may be a problem. It does make me feel pretty helpless though. I know if I told them this they would become VERY agitated and that would get my anxiety disorder acting up...and I want to avoid that as much as possible....if I wasn't on my meds for depression I would have probably gotten right hot with this person already...especially with some of the things that are going on....but for my control I'm glad I am on my pills they help me to think straight and see clearer.

I just hope they see clearer soon too.

Update my settings

Okay I have it set so ANYBODY can comment, you do NOT need to have an account on blogspot The comments will still be screened by me though, just to be sure nobody is posting spam...as long as it is a legit comment I will post it.. even if it may not be complientary to me....

So I invite you throw you two cents at me :)...I can use the money hehehehe!

Just wondering

I was just wondering how many people actually read my blogs? I saw my friend do a type of "roll call" on her blog, and it got me wondering. So if you would be so kind as to post the word "here" that would be great. Just so I can satisfy my curiosity.

And if you would like me to link your blog to my blog...I only got one response from the post asking who would like me too.

thanks again.

Want me to link ya BABY!!???

To anybody who wants it ( out of people I know that is) let me know if you would like your blog linked to mine :) and I'll add you up :) Since I have to rewrite code I'd like to do everybody at once for simplicity's sake...

Thanks :)